A little over a year ago I posted here that I had a stalker. It wasn't a proud moment in my life but I felt like it needed to be made public in an effort to get the blackness of it out of my head, and to help others who may also have gotten themselves into this situation. Well, I'm back in this situation again. The really stupid part of it all is that it is the exact same person it was last time.
After said stalker put me through the ringer in June 2013, I decided that it was best to forgive the anxiety they had caused me and let them back into my life. I am a nice person. I don't like enemies and I don't like anyone to be mad at me or view me in a bad light. This person had been in my life for three years prior to the stalking post of June 2013, and having them as a "friend" seemed like an easy thing to do, BUT I never totally trusted this person and always kept them at arm's length. When you've been in an abusive relationship with someone, you never totally trust them. Always waiting for the bomb to drop again. That's what I've been doing for the last year. Just waiting.
The trigger for him this time was really ridiculous. I wasn't spending enough time with him as far as he was concerned. We were FRIENDS. How much time are you supposed to spend with friends? Are you supposed to text them all day every day? If you don't answer a text within at least twenty minutes, does that mean you are ignoring them? Because, heaven forbid you might actually be busy and unable to text back. Are you supposed to see them more than once a week? Are there actual FRIEND RULES? I didn't think there were. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really know how to be a friend. Maybe I've been doing it wrong my entire life. He felt I wasn't initiating text conversations. I wasn't talking to him all day every day. He accused me of lying by omission. (What was I omitting?) He is always happier if he can accuse me of lying. Either way, in his eyes I have violated the terms and conditions of the Friend Rules. Because of this, he has initiated full on bullying and threatening. It began with an email. Then another email. I responded to the first email - why I felt a need to defend myself for something I wasn't even doing, I don't know. Once again, I thought it would do some good. I began to ignore the next two emails because I knew it wouldn't do me any good to respond. When he gets worked up and starts accusing me, I have no defense. Nothing I can say will matter. He won't listen. You cannot reason with a mad dog.
If he senses a change in the force - i.e. I begin to make subtle changes to my life - it must be because I am doing something wrong. Something behind his back. Isn't the point of life to continuously improve who you are? In the last year, I have attended two self-help seminars to do just that. My stalker went to one of those seminars with me. I invited him in an effort to help him be a happier person. Did he learn anything? I'm going to assume that it's a big giant NO. I've lost 12 pounds in the last four months. Must be doing it because I'm seeing someone. Could it be that I was tired of feeling exhausted and unhealthy? When I started posting "selfies" on FB, he asked me who was taking the pictures. Seriously? SELFIE. By the way, he's been blocked on my FB since I labeled him my stalker a year ago. The guy now has THREE FB profiles. When he sent me a message on FB this morning, I discovered the third profile and blocked it also. That was the only way he was able to see my updated profile selfies. He would save them on his phone and text them to me, asking me who took them. Even as I type this, I realize how really stupid it is on my part to even have remained friends with him after the incident last June 2013. What the heck was I thinking?
And it's not like we haven't had small incidents of his temper flare-ups in the last year, or even in the past four years of our relationship, because we have. This is not the first time. He did really well for a while but they started up again a couple of months ago. He began panicking because he realized I might be moving away. THEN what control will be have over my life? I had him house-sit my dog (and my house) while I was home for a family reunion. WHY! Because I needed someone to watch my dog. He and I were friends. I thought I could trust him to do it. WRONG. He went through my drawers. He went through my closet. The day after I got back home, he proceeded to ask me questions about things he had found that he thought were questionable. I had to defend myself, which is ridiculous!! It's MY HOUSE with MY STUFF. I owe no explanation! He wrote me a huge lecturing letter and hid it in my drawer. Then he started sending me text messages asking probing questions. I'd had enough. I made him meet me in a park and I lectured him (like a little kid) until he listened to me and apologized. I thought it was over. Then there was the concert he took me to in August. He bought me tickets to Paul McCartney for my birthday. Could it have just been an enjoyable night? Nope. It turned into him accusing me of things again while we stood in line for the concert. The same things I thought we had already gotten passed. I finally had enough and walked right out of the line. He followed me, apologized (for twenty minutes-he doesn't know how to be concise), and we ended up being twenty minutes late for the concert. It's been quiet for a couple of months. Until two days ago. And then it began all over again.
This guy never talks to your face about things that are important. I have experienced and lived through four years of accusational text messages, emails, and letters. Seriously. No matter how many times I told him I wouldn't talk about anything serious if it wasn't face to face, he keeps going back to his old habits. He can't talk about anything serious to my face because he knows that I can defend myself better in an argument if it is face to face (I have been told by two different legal people, including my ex-husband's lawyer, that I would make a great lawyer. I stick to the facts.). In an email or text he thinks he has control. I. Keep. Every. Written. Word. This is to my benefit that he does this. I have it all on record. Then he began contacting old friends, posting his version of my blog on his third Facebook page (where he tagged me, posted blatant lies about our relationship and who I am), tried to contact me on Facetime late last night, threatened me, called me and left angry messages, etc because I refused to respond to his original accusations three days ago.
And the thing about having friends that become your enemies: They have just enough personal information about you that they feel they have ammunition against you. They are bullies. So, suddenly my past becomes fodder to destroy who I am now. Two divorces? Must be my fault. Former boyfriends? They left me. I am the problem. Or, OR, I've just made bad choices, or attracted the wrong people into my life. We attract what we think we deserve. Either way, the past is the past, not the present. This person lives in the past and worries about the future. He never lives in the moment.
In his mind, I've had multiple relationships in the last four years when instead I have had only one, and it was him. Now he publicly claims that we have been dating the entire time since March of 2013 when he moved out. We have not. I have not had a relationship of any kind since March of 2013. My dating experience began a few months ago. When he and I were FRIENDS.
Here is what could have prevented this whole mess from happening, (besides never speaking to him originally. EVER): Four days ago, had he just come to me as a mature adult and told me of his concerns instead of accusing me of things that never happened, this whole mess never would have happened. Had he listened to what I had to say and trusted that I was not lying, this would never have happened. He knew that I would not respond to emails or texts that were serious in nature, yet when I refused to respond, it caused him to escalate into bullying and threats. Then he told me this was all my fault BECAUSE I didn't respond to emails (that he knew I would never respond to anyway). Accusations, arguing, and bullying are not acceptable in ANY relationship, friendship or love.
I have reached a point in my life where I NEED happiness, I NEED fun, I NEED to live stress free, I NEED to love and be loved. Call it self-preservation or whatever. My children are demanding that I discontinue any further contact with this person, and have been demanding it for at least four years, friendship or not. It is all lost. Four years of anger, bullying, accusations, character defamation have all reached the end. It was not enough to love this person, be concerned for their well-being, encourage them, see them for who they COULD be. I could never live up to their expectations of how they felt our relationship SHOULD be. What I could give was never enough. He wanted more. Admittedly obsessed with me, yet I could never be enough. Have I learned my lesson? After four years I believe I finally have.
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