I have had to change my passwords on EVERYTHING. I have had to cancel my debit cards. I have had to block. I have had to buy a taser (actually, my daughter bought me one). I have had to buy mace. I will probably have to cancel my email address (that I've had for years) and change to a new one. I've had to lock all my windows when normally I would leave them open on a hot summer night (and day). I can't take my dog for 10pm runs. I check around corners when I'm about to unlock my front door. I am paranoid. I have had to spend two days in a police station and the courthouse. I got 4 days behind in my homework. I don't enjoy life. I worry that my car will get keyed or the tires cut. I sit low in my lounge chair on the back deck so I can't be seen above the railing by passers-by.
So much for being "Fearless Over 50" but I am trying. I think I changed the name of my blog because I wanted to remind myself that I will be...fearless. I think I'm going to get a tattoo that says "Fearless", right on my arm, to remind me when I get afraid. I am afraid now.
I dread dating because I have come to realize that I have a pattern. I choose abusers. Whether they are obvious (the recent one) or subtle (my ex-husband).
I have to have therapy. I was told by the victim's advocate that I have PTSD. I will be single for a really long time.
But I have my children. And my wonderful grandson. They make me feel loved and cherished and really funny. Not that I feel funny, but they help me feel like I can make people laugh. My youngest has become my protector-ish. (He still needs to be reminded to lock the front door) And my oldest, who has never been that involved in my personal life (I don't blame him!), is now getting involved in even little things like telling me how to block someone. My daughter has rescued me so many times in the last two weeks just by being here to be my guardian. She is tougher than I. She continues to remind me that this is not my fault.
But I am still afraid. I am afraid I will let my guard down and there he'll be. 9 months and I can move away. Stuck with a stupid apartment lease that won't let me leave. Somewhere with beaches and palm trees and peace.
Thinking about this always makes me sick to my stomach so I think I will stop for now.
