The second time was when he showed up at my father's funeral. I didn't want him there. He had no personal relationship with my dad. I hadn't told him the details of the funeral and neither had his children. He got the information from one of my nieces. Why he wanted to be there, I had no idea. I hadn't cried when my dad died. It's not because I was happy that he'd died. It was because my dad had suffered with dementia for probably ten years and it was his time. He was at peace. But when my husband arrived uninvited to the funeral, I cried. I thought he was there for me. I hugged him, told him I loved him. His words? "I will always love you." BAM He wasn't there for me. He was there to make an appearance. To look good to my family. The switch started to flip that day. It was halfway there. Two weeks later he filed for divorce.
The final trigger that flipped the switch was when I called my husband about a misunderstanding regarding a ticket I had received (dumb Tacoma Narrows Bridge). Suddenly I found myself telling him that it was a mistake. He said, "What is?" "The divorce, the whole thing, it's a mistake." Then he said, "You want to settle out of court?" BAM "No. I don't want a divorce." Dead silence And then the switch flipped for the first time. We were done and I knew it. I wasn't going to beg him anymore. I loved that man but I was not going to beg him to love me back. 22 years was gone. He was in love with someone else. Our marriage no longer existed. All he cared about was settling out of court. It was another year before the divorce was finally over. I never settled, by the way. Switch Flipped.
The Switch for me is something in my head. It's the armor I put on to protect my heart. It's my survival skill. It's self-preservation. Call it whatever you will. It helps me to stop crying. Stop being depressed or blue or whatever. Stop thinking about whatever is upsetting me. It helps me to move on. It helps me to be strong. It's not as easy as it sounds, though. I may go through a day or two of sadness and loss but I finally just stand up, shake it off, and move the freak on. I have to consciously remind myself that the switch has been flipped. I tell myself that I am too important to continue to let myself be hurt. I deserve better. Whatever mantra works at that moment. I say it until I'm "cured" of that hurt.
One of my favorite Switch Flippers is a visual tossing of whatever has upset me. I put whatever thought or love or hurt into a tiny virtual box, pack it up tightly with virtual string and virtual brown paper, say goodbye to whomever it is I have placed into the box, and throw it away. I usually do it epically, like over a bridge or off of a cliff. Something so huge, I can never get that little brown paper package back. Kind of like burning the love letters or pictures of someone you want to forget. Right up there with dancing around a bonfire to cleanse your spirit. I recently had a picture of me and someone I had cared about for a really long time. That picture was important to me and, even though it was small enough to fit in my wallet, it meant everything to me. It symbolized a great time spent together when I thought there was a future for us. I brought it along with me on this last trip up to Washington, knowing full well it was probably going to be the end of a possible future with this person, and I was ready to release my heart from it. Driving back from Washington, once I had Flipped the Switch and realized that this person could no longer have control over my heart, soul, or mind, I literally tossed that picture out of my sunroof and watched it float onto the freeway behind me. I was crossing over the bridge that divides Washington from Oregon. To me it was fitting to leave those thoughts and hurts behind, never to be thought of or be hurt again. I loved that person but our relationship together was toxic. He was toxic. I deserved better. I love how the symbolism of leaving our "relationship" behind in Washington worked so cleanly. I laughed as I released the photo. I said goodbye. It served its purpose. Weight lifted. Happiness found. Switch Flipped.
I perfected the Switch over the last year. Crazy ex-boyfriend was a huge contributor the the strengthening of the Switch. You can only go through so much abuse, anger, verbal and mental beatings, suspicion, and defending yourself, etc, before your defense mechanism kicks in. When you reach that last straw, you know, the one that breaks the camel's back. The one that says "I am done taking this." The final straw was over two weeks ago. Friendship gone. Door shut. Switch flipped. Peace.
And I've had other moments of Flipping the Switch. Whenever I want to move on from someone or something quickly. Generally thinking, "It wasn't meant to be," works extremely well. Or analyzing what wasn't good about the relationship or experience helps me break it down into quicker reasons to Flip the Switch. I have learned that I am more important and deserve better than whatever is upsetting me or hurting me.
Over the last four years, and especially the last year of self-discovery, I have learned to love myself and see that whatever drama or anger or sadness or depression or stress, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, that slams into my heart, soul, mind, and body, is not what I want or deserve. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve everything my little heart desires. We are placed on this earth to be happy. To live epic lives of loving, making ourselves happy and of course, making others happy in the process. We cannot love others if we do not first love ourselves.
Flip the Switch, my friends. We deserve better than what we have been accepting into our lives. I am a warrior of love and light against those negative and toxic forces that seek to drag me down into their personal darkness. Join me. Let us make this world a better place. I don't know about you but I have an adorable little grandson who deserves to be as happy as he can be the rest of his life. Let's do this. Switch Flipped.
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