Early Morning Thoughts (Or thank you, dog, for waking me up)

     I'm laying here, wide awake, because the dog decided she needed to chase a cat she heard outside. How do they hear a cat walking by? Seriously. Anyway, I hate waking up before I need to because my brain starts working and digging out the old "stories" for early morning perusing, and then I end up staying awake until it's time to really get out of bed. "Come on, you got four hours of sleep. Let's talk!" And I think I was even dreaming about being a pirate before I woke up. So random. Kinda fun.

     So my brain starts beating me up. Same crap as before. "You're not worthy," "You're unloveable," etc. 

     And then I had this total moment of clarity. 

     The usual thought popped into my head, "What is wrong with ME?" 

     And I had no answer.

     Because there is nothing wrong with me. 

     

     It was as simple as that. 

     There is nothing wrong with me. 

     I don't think it is vain, or cocky, or narcissistic to think that. Trust me, I have seen my flaws. I know what and where they are. But when it comes down to loving myself, or whether or not I am deserving of someone loving me, there is no reason why it shouldn't just BE. I was placed here on this earth to love and be loved. To be happy. To truly live. I am a soul living in a body, not just a body with a soul. I am more than what you see. I am not damaged or broken like a car or a piece of glass. I have made mistakes and behaved stupidly. I have had a billion regrets. But I have loved every part of me back together and moved onward. I know who I am inside. The parts of me that nobody sees. The parts of me that my children know and love me because of it. 

     I can be small and vulnerable, but I am ridiculously strong when I need to be. I am love and devotion. I am art. I am spiritual. I am peace. I am a caregiver. I am gentle and kind. I am warmth. I am sweetness. And more often than not, I am a little too loud when I laugh, and can be slightly inappropriate at times.  All of these parts are what makes me who I am. I was designed this way. For a reason. 

     I don't know the answer to everything. But I do know that when my head asks me, "What is wrong with me," the answer will always be, "There is nothing wrong with me!" And I will believe it. 

   

     

A Stroll in the Woods or Where I Found My Peace

     

      After my faster-than-the-speed-of-light bad date on October 20th, I left the restaurant and headed east into the mountains. I was seriously needing some nature time. I wanted to take pictures of the fall leaves, and I knew that spending time in the quiet of nature would be cleansing for my heart, my head, and my soul. I was craving it. I drove around until I found access to a trail, grabbed my water bottle and my phone, and headed up. 

I wasn't wearing hiking shoes, or even tennis shoes, of any kind. I had on the shoes that I had worn all over Rome, and they were frequently my "date" shoes. They are the most comfortable shoes I own. No tread here. They are most definitely not hiking shoes. 

     There was only one vehicle parked in the lot so I knew I had the place almost to myself. Perfect. I am a self-proclaimed "tough broad" so I wasn't worried that I was hiking alone. (My friends were concerned though!) I was more concerned about the spiders hanging from the trees as I walked through than I was any possible predators. 

     
(I let him live. This was his home, not mine. However, if he showed up in mine, he was most definitely toast.)










     There were two paths. One headed around the woods out into the open and stayed very level. I watched a speed-walking couple head in that direction and started to follow them. No challenge that I could see. I wanted a challenge. Plus I wanted solitude. Some place with less walkers. I headed in the other direction and took the path (road) less traveled which headed uphill through some trees. This trail was covered with leaves, while the other was clear, and looked like no one had taken it for at least a day. I thought if I headed up into the woods instead of following the easy path I might miss a better view.

 I wound thru trees and rocks heading up into the hills. I didn't know what I would find, or how far it was to the top. I wasn't in any hurry. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a soft breeze blowing through the branches. I stopped once in awhile to rest and think. Mostly I stopped because I was out of breath! Not a hiker. Not used to walking uphill. I was really glad that I was by myself. It could have been embarrassing had I been with an experienced hiker. Either way, the woods were amazing. The sound, the smell. It was beautiful. 

     I just kept following the path even though it led me over large rocks and under low branches. Trust me, I tread carefully, watching each step. There was no moment where I thought I should go back. The top was my goal.

     

     

The path became more rocky and more steep. But the view was incredible.

My goal was the top. 


I know, right? 
Aaaahhhhmazing...

And then I reached this spot. It was a lot of loose rock and shale. I carefully crossed over the top of it and started to head higher up the path. The path that headed higher into the woods was smooth, soft dirt. No switchbacks. Just straight up. And then I stopped and sat down right in the middle of the path.

     I remember a moment in my life when I was 17. I had been playing "handball," throwing a tennis ball against our brick wall in the driveway, when the ball went up onto the roof. I was home alone. I didn't think twice. I wanted that ball back. I climbed the metal trellis that ran up next to the front porch and got on the roof. No problem. Got the ball. No problem. Then went to climb back down. Problem. I couldn't bring myself to take that first step back onto the trellis. It required that I turn myself around, facing backwards to the edge and lower myself down. I was afraid. I stood on the roof and began plotting my way down. Climbing back down the trellis was not an option. The only way down was to jump off of the roof. 
     I started flashing back to the TV shows of that time period that I watched: Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman. They could jump. They always landed safely. Why couldn't I? Funny thing is, I thought I could jump and land safely, but I didn't have the courage to climb down the trellis. In reality, that would have been the safer choice. Obviously I wasn't thinking in reality. 
     I stared down at the ground and plotted which way I should jump to get the safest landing. Between the porch roof and the chain link fence that ran around are yard, there was about a five foot space. I would have to jump across that space and clear the fence to land safely on the grass. I could hear the music from The Bionic Woman playing in my head. It was my theme song. With the bravery of Jaime Sommers, I lept. 

     I don't know how to do the collapse-softly-when-you-land thing. I landed hard. I managed to clear the sidewalk, and the chain link fence but I heard, and felt, my foot crack when I landed. I sat down on the grass, looked around to make sure no one had seen me land, and limped into the house. After a couple of weeks limping at school, I was fine. It was only a crack in my foot. 

       So, as I sat there on that trail looking back down the rocks I had just climbed over, I plotted the continuation of my climb up the mountain. I was thinking about how they tell you not to look back at your past mistakes, but to look forward instead and plot your course. I felt as though my looking back at where I had come from up this trail, and in my life, had helped me become who I was today. My past experiences had made me strong. It was okay to look back, as long as there are no regrets. You can't change the past, you can only grow from it. I have definitely grown from it. 
      My head kept telling me to climb up, keep going. I wanted to be the fearless woman I always claimed to be. I was afraid I would be disappointed in myself if I stopped where I was and didn't continue on. I wanted no regrets.

How far I'd come

How far I'd reached.

     Then I listened to my heart. My soul was telling me that I had gone far enough and it would be okay to stop where I was and head back down. I had already conquered the woods, and the trail I had followed up. It was enough. I should be proud of where I had gone so far. And I did it alone. If your soul says "Yeaaahhh, you should stop here," you should probably listen. I wasn't wearing the right shoes to hike up a mountain with slippery leaves, rocks, and dirt. I went as far as my comfortable touring shoes could go, and then I stopped. 
      I stood up on the trail to head back down, and my feet started to slip on the soft dirt. There was no hiking back down the 6 foot stretch to the rocks I had crossed over. I sat back down on my backside and just slid down the short steep trail on my rear end and my feet. I had made the right choice. I listened to my heart and my soul. They never steer me wrong. They know what I am able to do, and they know what is dangerous and should be avoided, in any experience. 
     The hike was gorgeous anyway. I was not disappointed the entire trip. It cleared my head of junk. It helped me listen to my soul and my heart. The sound of the crickets, the leaves falling from the trees, the wind through the branches. The traffic is a good distance away so it is only a memory.

      I sat on a rock when I got closer to the bottom and captured as much of the beauty and experience as I could.

        I hated leaving the peace and quiet of this place and going back to reality. I live right next to the freeway! Even though I have gotten used to the noise of the freeway, it is still there. In my house, there is no such thing as quiet. I had found it here. 

     This was Heaven. 

     

More stuff about dating...(Or Serial Dating as a Profession)

It was brought to my attention a couple of days ago that I was being accused of being a "serial dater." I know it was said in anger, loneliness, and pain (by crazy ex-boyfriend, no less), and initially I laughed at the accusation. In my mind a serial dater dates and dates and dates (yes, I could have said "goes on numerous dates" but it was more fun the other way) without any intention of finding Mr(s) Right. They date for the sake of dating. I mean, come on. It's fun to date, isn't it? You get to meet all sorts of new people, pick and choose who you want to go out with, AND hopefully it's all paid for by the other person. It's the best kind of shoe shopping. Isn't that what "dating" is? 
     Me? Seriously? I HATE dating. Honestly. I do not enjoy it, no matter what you may think. You all saw my post from the shortest date ever. That's what you risk happening when you agree to go out with someone you've never met. There is that initial dread on the day of the date. For me it happens while I am getting ready. What to wear, what to wear, what to wear. I can tell when I don't really want to go. I know this ahead of time. I have even postponed dates before (in my defense I have gone on the postponed date at a later time). But, as was the case with the Loser in Layton (Great name for him. Wish I'd thought of it earlier), I agreed to go on the date at a weak moment. I was in a bad mood when he asked me. I was feeling lonely. I didn't really want to go. I was already mentally prepared for it to fail before I even got there. Imagine my relief when I didn't have to endure one to two hours of a conversation with someone I didn't want to go out with in the first place. Maybe that is why I laughed so hysterically. It was pure relief. 
     So first you have the initial dread. The next step comes when you are about to enter the establishment where you are meeting that stranger. I generally pull up in my car, apply Carmex (the lip gloss of champions), take a deep breath, take note of the nervous stomach (blech), and head inside. Then comes the fun and uncomfortable scanning of the room, hoping that whomever you make eye contact with is exactly what they looked like in their pictures or, if not, better looking than their pictures. You also hope they are looking back at you. I prefer to get there first to have the upper hand but it doesn't always turn out that way. 
      Then there is the instant click. Sorry guys, I have to have it. With my ex-husband, there was the instant click. I loved that man for twenty years. It works for me. It tells me that there is a strong possibility for a long, loving, fun relationship. For me, the click has to be there. It's not something you can fake. It's not something you find later after weeks, months, years of dating..which is why it's called an INSTANT click and not a delayed reaction. So, if I look at the mystery date and don't feel that click, I start thinking about how soon I can politely call it a day.  
     I had two dates (yes, I said two) the other day where I felt no click. Almost instantly I was plotting my escape. The first guy sensed it and, at the end of the two hour (too long) date, he politely said, "If you want to hang out again, let me know." He knew and I knew that it wasn't there. Phew.  Easy out. The second date didn't get the hint even though I spent the entire time folding and refolding my straw paper. After an hour there was still no click. He was a nice guy and had great stories but I felt nothing. At the end of the date he handed me his card and told me to text him so he'd have my number and we could get together again. I didn't. He sent me a message later on the dating site letting me know that I had caught myself a fish (POF). I wrote him back and let him know that while I knew he was a nice guy, we had nothing in common and I wished him good luck in his search. He told me he loved my eyes and we could still be friends. See? Nice guy. Not enough to make me want to go out with him again though. See, even though they are undoubtedly paying for the date, I see no reason to waste their time further. It's wasting my time also. I believe a serial dater would have no problem with that. 

"A 'serial dater' is a person who has a large number of short term romantic, physical or sexual relationships, but seems unable to commit or remain in a romance relationship for any length of time.

Serial daters replace the comfort and intimacy of a 'serious relationship' with a patchwork of relationships, often getting physical relations or intimacy, excitement or variety, friendship, and companionship from different people." http://www.datingonline.org/advice/what-is-a-serial-dater/

       Serial daters are also known as Players. They are like little bumble bees touching here and there and moving on to the next willing victim, getting as much "pollen" as they can along the way, without making any real commitment. I am not one of those. Unlike a player, I AM looking for a commitment. My dating profile even says so. I am actively looking for a relationship. I'm looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Wonderful, etc. If I wasn't, it would say "Dating, no commitment." I do not go from date to date, getting as much as I can from them. I am looking. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? If you don't find the one for you, you keep looking. If the click isn't there, I don't go out with them any further. Even the nice guys.
     Have I felt any "clicks" since I've jumped back into the dating world? Yes. Exactly twice. What happened? Well, first guy was actually already in a relationship. It's okay. Wasn't meant to be. We're still friends. Sometimes being friends is better. Sometimes. 
     Second guy: Jury is still out. We clicked before we even met. All I saw were a few pictures and his profile write-up. I don't know what it was. There was just something about him that I needed to get to know better so I went so far as to pay for my subscription on the dating site just so I could talk to him. I asked him out. We chatted a little bit online, then on text. Conversations with him are hilarious. They're deep. We talked about everything. We laughed. That was all before we ever met in person. And then two days later I walked away from that 2 1/2 hour time-went-ridiculously-slow date feeling pumped. Happy. Excited. Positive. Uplifted. I looked at him across the top of my car and said, "I had a really great time. I like you!" He liked me back. So much so that our date made him late for an appointment.  But, he's a busy guy. He has had personal stuff come up. He's a popular guy in the business world. He postponed our next date. He didn't text as much. My friends told me not to text him. Just wait. I waited. I gave up. He texted. Second date: Perfect. BBQ, fancy cheese, bread and olive oil, jazz playing in the background. Did I mention perfect? Perfect gentleman. Tons of laughs, deep conversation, we talked about everything. He quoted Monty Python, a weakness of mine. I have NEVER been out with someone who quotes Monty Python (watch the movie "Sliding Doors" and you'll see what I mean). Most of all, I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I was just me: Open, authentic, bare, trusting, and vulnerable. Kind of like what I am doing on here. I didn't worry about what he might think of me. I was really, authentically me. I could get used to this. I really really like this guy. 
     Dating when you are older is so lame and awkward. Nothing is obvious. Nobody speaks their true feelings. Everyone seems to be afraid of being honest, open, and authentic when it comes to telling someone how you feel. Could I just text the guy and say "Hey, I really like you and I'd like to see where this goes,"? Nope. It might scare him away. He might be a commitment-phobe. OR, he might already be in a relationship. *ahem* 

      
       

     

Blog Challenge #6: A Vulnerable Post

     I think this one was a little tougher for me because I thought I had already been vulnerable with my personal post. As I said before, I am an open book. What you see is what you get. I don't really hide anything. Just ask me and I'll tell you. 

     Fine, let us revisit #10: My self-esteem. That's about as personal as you can get, don't you think? Revisiting something that I try so hard to ignore is pretty "vulnerable". 

     Being raised in a home where you were never pretty enough, you were overweight, had bad acne, a bad haircut, your hair was too short, or too long, the only girl in the family with thunder thighs (my personal favorite), OR if a guy stopped dating you it was because you made him feel things he didn't want to/shouldn't feel (sexually) and he got scared (college). This makes it my fault that I can't keep a long-term relationship. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be popular (who doesn't?). I wanted to hear that I was beautiful and hey, I wanted to be told that if a guy left you it was because he didn't deserve you. I never did. I kept waiting. I was always insecure about my looks, my life, and my relationships. On the outside it didn't look like it, and no one believed I had low self-esteem. I was loud, friendly, happy. How could I have a low opinion of myself? But, I craved attention. My senior year I had three boyfriends all at the same time. One at my school, one in college, and one at another school in another district. I'm not bragging. I'm not proud. Of course, it all blew up in my face eventually. I deserved it.  I NEEDED to feel loved. I went from one relationship to another. I was never NOT in a relationship. If I didn't have some sort of relationship, I felt empty and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why am I single? It must be that I didn't deserve someone who would love me. Really love me. Like forever. 

      Jump ahead twenty-something years later. I was married to a pornography addict. Now my "story" becomes that I am not attractive enough for my second husband to pay attention to me instead of the computer or tv. Wherever he could find it. Even going so far as to look at it while the kids are in the next room. He even told me at one point that he wasn't attracted to me. It was about me. Too fat, short hair, mother of four kids. The spark has taken a vacation, the thrill is gone. 20+ years of this and you truly believe it is all about you. Something was wrong with me. 

     Add in the next four years with an abusive boyfriend/friend and you are back to when you were growing up. You deserve the abuse. It is something you are doing. You can love someone with every fiber of your being but if they have issues of their own; a low opinion of women, depression, anger issues, low self-esteem, suspicion, jealousy. You become the target. You are their punching bag, literally and figuratively. And all of their behavior is your fault. They will not take the blame. If you had acted differently, if you had done something differently, this never would have happened. 

     And now I find myself single again. It's tough. Once in awhile the old story, the one that was written for me but not by me, pops up in my head and says, "What's wrong with me?" I learned a year ago that I could erase the old story and rewrite a new one. It's hard to let go of 50+ years of fiction. FIFTY YEARS. 

     And it really WAS fiction. All that crap that I was raised to believe was never true. Whether I had long or short hair, acne and no makeup, fat or thin, thunder thighs or not (and I have fully embraced my thighs, thankyouverymuch), I was beautiful. I was loved. It was learning to love myself that was the hard part. I had made many many mistakes in my past, most of them fueled by my self-loathing. Can you imagine if I had grown up differently? Learned about healthy relationships in my youth? Viewed myself with "God's Goggles" my entire life? But I didn't. Would I have grown into the woman I am today? Probably not. And that's okay. I like the woman I am today. I really do. 

     So, yesterday I had one of those POF first dates. He was one of those guys that skipped "Let's get to know each other" (and chat online for a few days) and went right for, "Let's go out." I didn't really want to go out with him. He wasn't my type. But the day he asked me out for a second time I felt vulnerable (there's that word again). I felt lonely. (Beware of feeling sorry for yourself.) So, I said okay to his request but kept it neutral. Coffee. Broad daylight. Here's the funny thing: the date was at 11am. I was required to drive north about twenty miles because he didn't offer to come in this direction. This meant that I should have been in the shower at 9:30 at the latest. I was up at 7:30am. It was possible. And then I got sidetracked by my last blog post. I wanted to get it written and online. And the next thing I knew, it was 10! I had to leave by 10:40 at the latest!! I hadn't even showered!! AND I cared enough to make sure I looked good for this "date." I texted him and asked if we could move it back to 11:30. He was fine with that. I got ready, out the door, arrived at said coffee shop at 11:31. He was no where to be seen. 

    I texted him, "I'm here. Where are you?" No reply. I waited. 11:35. 11:40. I see a car pull up right in front of the coffee shop and I get a text: "Are you inside? I just pulled up." Seriously? Wouldn't you just go inside and check? I texted back, "Uh, yeah." It was the only thing I could think to say. I was past the point of no return. I was annoyed. That still didn't make him come right inside. Nope. He sat in his car for two more minutes. I was already rehearsing what I was going to say. He would have every opportunity to fix it. He didn't take advantage of that opportunity. He walked in wearing an old ratty t-shirt that he had worn in at least three of his pictures on POF. Must be a favorite. I get that. BUT, it is a first date. Isn't the point to impress your date? He was wearing sunglasses. He never took them off. Inside. He walked across the small shop, said hello. Not "I'm sorry I'm late," and make some excuse. Not a word. He hugged me and purred, "Mmmmmm." I stepped back. "Nice to meet you. I'm going to buy myself an iced coffee and go home. You are ten minutes late. I understand that I moved the time to later but..." He just looked at me and said, "Okay. Bye." and walked out.

     Now, this was something new for me. I had never ever stood up for myself like that. Had it been about four months earlier, I would have just put a smile on my face and endured the date, thinking I would never go out with him again. Once he walked out of the coffee shop, I just laughed. A loud belly laugh. I don't know if it was because I was releasing stress or if it was suddenly realizing that I deserved better. I spent the next 10 minutes chatting with the little barista boy about ballroom dancing. Better conversation in ten minutes than I would have had on that entire date had it have happened. I got back out to my car just in time to get a text from Mr. Wonderful: "Good luck dating with that attitude." I laughed again, so hard. I texted him back, "Yeah. You too." and then I blocked him.  

     I felt liberated!! Look what I had done! I had stood up for myself. I had found self-respect and self-love. I realized my own self-worth. It was about time! I had often said "I am lonely but I am not desperate." When I accepted his date, I was most definitely desperate. Why would I accept a date from someone that I knew would not be what I was looking for otherwise? It would not happen again. 

          I still have those days of feeling lonely but they are getting fewer and farther between. Even without a date, or a text, or a phone call from whomever I happen to be attracted to, I am okay. I don't blame myself. I don't wonder "What's wrong with me?" I'm not sitting by the phone. I am enjoying the peace and quiet in my soul, my head, and my heart. I know what I have to offer the next man in my life. And I know I don't need someone to complete me, or fix me, or make me happy. Whomever I let into my heart next will simply add to whom I am now and whom I will become. I have years of adventures, travel, and love ahead of me. The next guy is going to have to be amazing for me to make room for him. 

AFTER the date...

Blog Challenge #5: A Helpful Post

     I have a Facebook account. The same account I've had for probably 10 years. I really keep it to stay in touch with family, since mine are spread all over the United States, and old friends. Once in awhile I gain a new friend and they get added to the mix. Do I talk to all of them? No. Some of them I haven't seen in years. Some of them I've never even met in person. But I like them and what they have to say, and what they contribute to my life so I keep them. If I don't then they probably aren't my friends anymore. I really try to avoid negative energy. 

     In the last few months I have made it a daily habit to post as many positive things as possible. They help me keep pushing forward even though sometimes I'd rather just climb back in bed.  As I mentioned before, I have been told by some people that I post too much on Facebook which is why I write on my blog so much now.  Where else am I going to empty the thoughts in my head? It's my virtual diary. I share positive things that slide through my feed on Facebook to encourage others to have a brighter day. I know what struggles a lot of my friends are going through, and suspect struggles on those who do not mention it. I have had some of my friends tell me that they appreciate my positive posts so I know I'm doing the right thing. 

     SO, my helpful post, as part of the Blog Challenge, is a few positive messages that have touched my heart and helped me when I needed it most. 

          Every morning I try to start the day on a happy note. Reading through positive quotes on Facebook is one of the ways I do it (avoiding the icky). It's my morning "newspaper."  I don't just jump out of bed right away either (unless the dog is insistent on it). I wake up slowly, perusing through my mail, Facebook, the dumb dating sites, and I play a couple of games of Dice With Friends. This is my wake up time and it usually starts at 8:30am. The slow rising time also gives me time to think about the experiences I had the day before and to delete from my mind those that might have upset me a little. I think about those things that made me smile and laugh, and who I might have also helped to smile and laugh. By the time I'm up and getting my breakfast together, I am ready to start the day. If the sun is out, and sometimes even when it's not, I sit out on my porch in my little lawn chair and drink my morning caffeine. It is there with the dog that I listen to the birds, look at the trees and my rose bushes, and just "chill," listening to my thoughts, breathing in the gratitude deeply. I used to hate working afternoons at my job because it ate up so much of the day. Lately I've been enjoying these slow, conscious mornings. Sometimes my son will wake up early (rarely) and he'll come out and join me, and there we will chat about his experiences and bond for the day. Beginning my day this way is more "sparkly" than jumping out of bed and rushing through the day. I find that I enjoy my day and my job more. 

     This one says it all. "Just breathe." I know I personally forget to breathe. I come from a family of women who breathe shallowly. If you hear me suddenly let out a sigh, it's not because I'm tired or annoyed. It's because I have forgotten to breathe and suddenly I'm remembering. I sometimes rush throughout the day helping guests at my hotel job, helping customers at my craft store job, teaching a painting or drawing class, doing homework, running errands, cleaning the house, take care of the dog...GASP! I forgot to stop, listen to my heart, count my blessings, and. Just. Breathe. 

     I love this one especially. I like to believe that this is me. That this was written about me. I've been through a lot of trials, errors, and experiences but I feel like those have helped me grow into the more happy, loving person I am today. I have learned from them. I have learned that I want to be happy.  I have learned what I don't want to be anymore. I was tired of being angry. My boss told me a while back, "We love the cheerful, peppy Sheri. We don't want the old cranky Sheri to come back." I had kind of left my hotel job back in May to work as a manager of a sandwich shop. I technically went on "pool status" which means that they call me when they need me. When I left the sandwich manager job (because my boss was toxic), I needed a full time job again. I went back to my manager at my hotel job and asked them if I could have my job back. That was his reply. Old cranky Sheri was not welcome. He said that even if I wasn't rude to guests, my mood was toxic to my co-workers. What a wake-up call. I wasn't in a bad mood every day but it was enough for them to almost not take me back. Is that the person I want to be?

     I have figured out that happy people aren't just happy on the outside. I can fake being happy. Sometimes I do. It's just the nice thing to do. But I'd prefer to be happy in every inch of my body. In "Eat, Pray, Love," Katut asks Liz if she is happy, even in her liver. I want to be happy even in my liver. It's amazing how that affects other people. They notice you more. They notice your smile. The sparkle in your eyes. They want to talk to you, they are drawn to you. AND, BONUS HERE: You have made them happy. You might even have made their day. Can you believe that you have that much affect on another person!? The power you and I have over another conscious being. It's amazing.

     You can fake a smile but it doesn't go all the way up into your eyes. We earned those smile lines, ladies. I have been so happy lately, even into my liver, that I have actual smile creases around my mouth. Seriously! I'm so proud of all of the lines on my face that have been brought on by smiling! Because before, I had creases between my eyes from anger, and frown lines on my face from being sad. 

     What do you want to project to others? That you are crabby, angry, rude, hateful, mean, blah blah blah?  Is that the power you want to pass on to other people? 

     OR do you want to use your power for good? With great power comes great responsibility. How are you going to use YOUR power? 

     

Blog Challenge #4: Personal Post (or Ten Things You Don't Know About Me)

         This one was hard for me. I just assume people already know everything about me because I am really an open book. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, my shoe shopping profile is completely honest, and what you see is what you get. So I guess my honesty would be number 1:

1.      Ask me a question and I'll answer it truthfully. I can't lie. I'm horrible at it. BUT, if you don't ask me, I'm not going to just confess. Doesn't make me a liar. Just don't see the point in telling you something that may upset you or something that is none of your business. All of us want to be seen in the best light. In my teens I always knew that my parents would find out and I'd get in trouble. My mom always knew when I was lying. She was scary good. I picked that skill up when I had kids of my own. Now I'm the scary good one.  I  was really good at lying when I was in my twenties. I did it a lot. I saw what it did to my family when I was in my twenties and I didn't want it to continue. So, if you want to know something about me, just ask.
2.          When I was growing up I wanted to be an actress. I took drama in school, auditioned for plays in college, and moved to California when I was 25 to seek fame and fortune. I was an extra in several TV shows and a couple movies, a production assistant in a couple shows, got to see all of the behind-the-scenes goings-on, met a lot of really famous people (which gives you the opportunity to see if said famous person is a nice person, or a complete jerk. Ask me! I have great stories), and realized that I was not cut out to be rich and famous. 
3.      Okay, fine. Who did I meet? As I said, I have great stories. Tom Selleck: met him at the final wrap party for Magnum PI. That man is amazing. His brothers are also. Great family. I shook his hand, told him it was an honor to meet him, and secretly drooled inside. Mel Gibson: I loved that man (before he was crazy). I had the opportunity to get on the set of Lethal Weapon 2. Mind you I was 26, tall, thin, long hair. I actually got a double-take from Mel Gibson. (I still giggle inside when I think about it) Then he found me watching a scene he wasn't in. Had I really thought ahead of time, I would have had my phone number written on a piece of paper and handed it to him. But I didn't think ahead of time. Anyway, he talked to me about camera work and then stepped in front of me. I was one foot away from being able to touch that gorgeous hair. But, I didn't want to be arrested so I resisted. Best story ever. Jack Nicholson: I got to be an extra on "The Two Jakes" for a couple of scenes. That man is so strange BUT he has the BEST stories. And he was a nice guy. That was a great experience. I met Janet Jackson before she was really famous. She was nice. Got hugs from John Schneider every time I saw him. Wonderful man. And met many others with names you probably wouldn't recognize but I remember them. Great year and a half of my life. 
4.       (this is harder than I thought) I flunked 7th grade math because I chose to doodle on all of my papers instead of actually doing the work. Couldn't help it. I am a doodler. If I am talking on the phone, I am probably drawing squares or flowers (depending on my mood) on the nearest piece of paper. Even now, painting is the most relaxing thing I can do for myself. It's my soul letting go of the body that is holding onto it. I had a company years ago and I made porcelain dolls. The company name was Creative Outlets. The name spoke volumes to me. Anyway, I had to take 7th grade math over again in 9th grade with a bunch of 7th graders. Talk about embarrassing!!
5.      I didn't get my driver's license until I was 23. I was already married and the mother of a gorgeous little boy. I never got my license before this because I never needed to. When they offered driver's ed in high school, I was a cheerleader (I know you're surprised to hear that one) and I was busy after school so I couldn't take it. I always had someone to drive me around. My mom, family, friends, boyfriends. It was never necessary. When I went to college, a friend let me drive his Subaru on a long, dark stretch of I-15. When I lived in Utah when I was 20, a friend let me borrow his Ford Falcon (it had red hub caps). I almost smashed into a curb making a wide left turn. He was extremely trusting. So, when I decided to get my driver's license, I had to take driver's ed at the local high school with a bunch of teenagers. They thought I was their age. When they found out I wasn't, they called me mom. I'm glad I didn't get my license before then. I consider myself a pretty good driver, albeit fast. I love to drive. 
6.       My favorite scent in the whole wide world (yes, really) is lavender. Not the fake stuff they concoct in a lab, but the real smell. I can tell the difference. I never liked lavender because all I was smelling was the fake stuff. Then I did a craft show in the middle of a lavender farm and discovered its wonderfulness. Lavender relaxes me when I'm stressed. It sends me to my happy place. Oh, and while I'm at it, while I love roses (the kind I grow in my garden), I prefer daisies. You know, in case someone ever thinks to get me flowers. Daisies are happy flowers. 
7.      I have had every color of hair possible. I was born blonde then my hair went dark when I got into my teens. High school I was blonde, then I went brunette, really REALLY blonde (after a brief unintended stint at orange hair), black, and then I was a redhead for about 15 years. I have had blue-black hair for only about 6 months. I was getting compared to Sharon Osborne at work when I had red hair and I decided I didn't want to hear that anymore so I went black. I think it looks pretty good if I do say so myself. 
8.      I can sing. My two sisters have beautiful voices also and the three of us together are amazing. If my mom had only thought to exploit us when we were young, we could have been the next Andrew's Sisters. I've done a couple solos (only because I get so nervous when I sing alone in public), a couple of duets with my (ex) husband, and a lot of singing along with Barbra Streisand, Karen Carpenter, Pink, and great disco songs from the seventies. If you pass me in my car you'll witness it. I can't drive without singing. Road trips with my daughter consist of a lot of singing. She's got a gorgeous voice also. Together we are pretty epic. Typical road trip with my daughter...
9.      I want to be a travel writer. I know, I think I said that before in an earlier blog. Actually, I want to get PAID to travel and travel writing, or being a tour guide, seem to be the way to do it. I've also applied a couple of times to be a flight attendant but I think you'd see the inside of a tin can more than you would see the world. I want to see the world. Right now the path is: Save money; travel; save money; travel. I am a plane ticket away from going anywhere I want to go. 
10.      This one is the hardest one for me which is why I saved it for the last: I have really horrible self-esteem. It's better than it was 10 years ago, even better than 20 years ago, but it's still there. That's why dating is really hard for me. I wonder if I will ever be in love again. If there is one date with a guy I think I like, and then he never speaks to me again, I start wondering what the heck I said or did wrong. Not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Not blonde enough? Hair not long enough? Three dates and then no call? What the heck? I blame myself. I have to actually remind myself that it wasn't about me. It was their choice...and it was probably a good idea that they didn't call again. When I look in the mirror I have to force myself to see the beautiful side of me, not the flaws. If I don't get hired for a job, I pick myself and the interview process apart. I don't actually think I deserve a sweet, nice, honest, good-looking guy. That's the hardest part for me. They'll never choose me. They will go out with me once or twice, but they will always choose someone else. SO, I fight my daily mental self-abuse on a daily basis. It's a constant struggle between my old thought process and my new thought process. Someday I hope to completely erase the old thought process but, until then, I'll just keep waking up each day with positive thoughts, being happy, being nice to other people, and I'll keep looking for Mr. Wonderful. 

Blogger Challenge #3: A Tutorial Post (or What Not To Post On A Dating Site)

          I was trying, for the past two days, to figure out what my tutorial should be on. I teach painting classes but I didn't really want to explain how to paint (it's just easier with people in front of me and I don't do well making videos). I thought about explaining what I do to help myself be happier throughout the day but I didn't feel any inspiration when I tried to write it. Doesn't mean I don't know how to explain it, just wasn't inspired. Then this morning as I sat on my porch, drinking my morning caffeine and perusing the last two dating sites I have stayed on, it hit me: What not to post on a dating site! 

     If you've read any of my other posts on my blog, you read about my shoe shopping analogy. Dating is like shopping for shoes: You are looking for the perfect shoes that you want to wear for a really long time, if not forever. Two of the sites I've remained on, Zoosk and POF (after the original four), have a process of elimination. You "flip" through profile pictures to find your perfect "match." Mind you, you're only seeing their picture, not their profile so you are basing your interest off of their looks. Swipe left, nope. You don't want to ever see their face again. Swipe right, you do and you hope they also swipe your face right. If they do, you have a match...and then you hope said match contacts you. Someday. One match contacted me after we were mutually matched to let me know that while he liked my pictures, after reading my profile he didn't think we were a match at all. He's still looking at my pictures. One guy keeps looking at my pictures but not talking to me. He looks several times a day (ew!) so I finally contacted him and asked him if he was bored, hoping that would spark some sort of conversation. Nope, he wrote back and said he just liked my looks (double ew!) so I blocked him. Buh-bye. I already have a stalker. I don't need another. 

     SO, if you want to be more successful on a dating site, here are my tips:

                      Start with really great pictures!!!

Most importantly, SMILE. This is your very first impression. It tells the datee (yes, I meant "datee") that you are a happy person (even if you aren't happy all of the time, it gives the impression that you are).  People want to find a happy person. You can also see it in their eyes. Real smiles are right up into the eyes. They help create those really awesome smile lines that people mistakenly call "crows feet." We earned those lines with every happy moment in our lives. Flaunt them! If not one of your pictures is a smiling picture, that scares me a little. Coming from someone who dated an abuser, I need to at least THINK you smile once in awhile. It also shows me your teeth. Do you have any? Show me those pearly whites. 

Flaunt your best features. Not THOSE features. Seriously, if your best features should be kept in your pants, I'm not interested. You really have to catch my attention at eye level before I ever think of anything below that. Besides, I'm talking about your eyes and your smile. I am attracted to both. I'm looking at those two things before I look to see how tall you are or your weight. If you are wearing sunglasses, I'm going to slide you left or hit that big ol' NO button. Not smiling, same swipe.

Let's see your face. If your main profile picture doesn't show your face at all, I'm not even considering you. When you choose your profile picture, make sure it lines up correctly in the little square so you don't cut off the lower half of your face. Remember, this is the first impression you are giving people so make it a good one. If all I see is the top of your head, I know you have a great head of hair, or the lack thereof. Most cases I don't care if you're bald but I have to see your eyes and your smile too. Don't post a picture of someone famous. Makes no sense. (Yes, I've seen two profile pictures that were either John Wayne or Norman from Psycho. I'm not dating him)

Do not be scary! If your picture looks like a mug shot the FBI hangs in the post office, you are definitely being swiped left. Big giant nope. I've seen some pretty scary profile pictures. Generally they have a white brick wall behind them, and a scowl on their face. Most of the time they are staring straight at the camera...as though they are staring into your soul. SCARY!  I'd post some of the pictures here to illustrate but that would just be mean. I think you get the idea. If not, just go on Google and search for FBI mug shots. 

Are you ready for your close-up? If your face is so far away that I cannot even make out that you have a nose, swiped left, NO hit. Once again, the point is for the woman or man you are trying to attract to be able to see you...or they won't know if they are attracted to you. Yes, it gives them a full body shot but you have no face. Save the far away, full body shot for one of your other pictures. Remember, this is your profile picture. The one they see when they are first cruising through the profiles. Tinder is the one site you definitely want to have a good profile picture for. That's the biggest one for "shoe shopping." A great profile picture will intrigue them. They'll want to see more and might actually read your profile.  

Face forward. "Profile picture" does not actually mean a picture of your profile. I would like to see the front of your face, not the left or right side by itself, even if your left side IS your best side. Swiped left. And please, posting a picture of you flexing your shirtless muscles won't do it for me either. Let me be surprised. 

Take a solo selfie. Picture of you with your friends: Which one is actually you? What if I like your friend better than you? That would be embarrassing. I can see the first meeting now: "Wait, I thought you were the tall, blonde one..." Make sure your profile picture is just you. It makes it less confusing. 

Post current pictures. Are you posting a picture from your youth? The obvious sign is that you are wearing bell bottoms and boasting an afro. Unless you are trying to bring back the fashion, I'm going to know that your picture is not current. High school senior pictures should be saved for later. You can bring out the old pictures on date number four. She'll get a kick out of it. But right now, we want to see pictures that have been taken of you in the last few months. A lot can change in a year. You may have gained or lost a ton of weight, gotten a hair cut, shaved your face (if you are a man, especially), lost a limb, etc. You get the point. If I am attracted to a picture of a guy from last year and then I meet him and he's significantly different than the guy I thought I was meeting, chances are I will either be pleasantly surprised or there will be no date number 2. Yes, I'm still judging my attraction by your looks, not your personality. I'll decide on the personality after I meet you. 

Post pictures without a hat on. Yes, I know you look great in a hat. Baseball hat, beret, etc. And I love when a guy looks great in a hat BUT what do you look like when the hat comes off? What are you hiding under that hat? One guy I chatted with is wearing a hat in every picture. They are GREAT hats (he has massive eyebrows though) but I would like to see him without a hat. Did I go out with him? Nope. Never met him in person. The guy was just creepy in the chats with or without the hat. We never got past messaging back and forth. He was definitely looking for more than my charming personality. 

Park the automobile in the garage, not in your profile. Picture of your car? Is your car your best feature? Do you really want to attract someone that will contact you because your car is your profile picture? If you're a great guy, I don't care what you drive. Same thing if you show a picture of a motorcycle, a horse, or your dog. 

And post a lot of pictures. Once you get that amazing, smiling profile picture done, take a few more. Find pictures that your kids took of you, or your friends, or your family. I know it's uncomfortable but weed through them and find the best ones. Then post them all. And change them once in awhile. Let viewers see different shots of you. Plus, by changing your pictures, people who have looked at you before might think they've never seen you before. Everyone loves fresh.

Smile naturally. A smile that looks like someone told you to say "cheese" is not natural. Are you laughing? That shows me you like to have fun. Cheesy smile? You're trying too hard.  It's not pretty. Relax your smile. Practice in the mirror. Take a million selfies until you get it right. Think of something that makes you happy...and smile. That's the one.

Now For Your Profile 

Most of all, keep it positive!! Nobody wants to hear bad news. Tell your future matches the great things about your life. Your kids, your job, your extracurricular activities. Be excited about your life. Leave out the bad stuff. Don't mention your ex-spouse. Don't talk about how you lost your job, how your kids hate you...just keep it positive. Think of it as your resume'. You want to put your best face forward. What makes you happy? Think sunshine and lemonade. Write that down! 

What are your personality traits? What do you like to do to relax? Mountain biking, hiking, photography, listening to great music? Put that in there. Are you adventurous? A night owl? An early riser? Love to travel? Write it all down. Are you loud, quiet, hyper, calm, a party animal, or a homebody? The more information, the better. This tells your match if there actually IS a match. I met someone recently that had listed off certain personality traits that he had, letting me know without a doubt who he was. I felt like I matched several if not all of them so I contacted him. We had a 2 1/2 hour date. The jury is still out. (But I really like him)

Check for typos!! I don't know about you but I have a tendency to spell-check things that I'm reading. I don't mean to, it just happens. So if I notice that the person I'm interested in misspells many a word, I'm going to keep looking. I'm not a spelling snob, I just appreciate educated people. You don't have to have a degree. Just know the difference between loose and lose, and there, their, and they're. Please don't use texting jargon when you are writing your profile. "Ur?" "B?" *shudder* Spell out the words, please. 

Be honest! Now personally, I think that's just a given. Don't tell us that you are adventurous when we will eventually find out that adventure for you is sitting at home watching Walking Dead. When you finally meet your match and start talking about your adventurous attitude, what experiences will you be able to tell them? Be honest about your height and weight: Don't say you are 6'1" when you're really 5'10". It makes a huge difference to the girl who is 5'8". Few extra pounds? Compared to what? Few actually means three. So, if you weigh 260 and you're less than 6' tall, is that really just a few extra pounds? I guess it depends on if it's muscle weight or just plain "one too many drive-thru's". 

Be safe! Remember, you're not going to fall in love with the first date you have. If you do, congratulations!!! I envy you. Otherwise, date a lot of different people. It doesn't make you a serial dater. It makes you smart. Talk to them online a little bit before you even hand out your phone number. Meet in a public place preferably during the day. Try coffee in a busy little cafe'. Get to know someone before you jump into a relationship with them. Go out with them a few times. You never truly know someone until you spend 24 hours with them...a few times. Watch for warning signs. How do they treat a server in a restaurant? Road rage much? Just pay attention to the subtle details. And how do they talk to you online before you even meet them? Is there a hint that all they are looking for is a booty call? I guess if that's what you are looking for, you've gotten yourself an easy hook-up. Do they start making inappropriate comments during chat that makes you nervous? Listen to your instincts. And run away. 

Have fun with it! I find that the more entertaining the profile write-up is, the more I want to meet the writer. Boring profile says boring date. Don't be too wordy. Be concise. You might lose the reader if you say too much. Cut to the chase. Tell just enough to get them interested. Save the details for chatting later. Just have a great time and don't take yourself too seriously. Everyone wants to have fun. Happy people attract happy people. Be happy!!