....other than the intimacy which, when it happened, was amazing, I miss the deep relationship connection you get with a committed spouse or significant other. Yes, we had our problems. OBVIOUSLY. We aren't married anymore. But, there was a part of my marriage that is seriously lacking in my life right now.
From the moment we met, we had a connection. It was in Palm Springs, California, at the Single Adult Conference, 1989. I had decided at the last minute to go after being inactive from the church for about two years. Call it inspiration. I don't know. But I went. Okay fine, back story: After not going to church for about two years, I decided to go and ended up meeting my new roommate (a girl) and a bunch of twenty-something guys that ended up being more brothers than anything else. I was sitting in a meeting at church shortly after one of the "brothers" insisted I go to the Single Adult Conference contemplating whether or not I should actually go. I had just started a new job, moved into a new apartment, short on cash, didn't know anyone, etc. I had plenty of excuses to not go but, as I sat in that meeting trying to decide, a little voice in my head said, "You might meet your husband there." Crap. I'm pretty sure in my head I even said the word "CRAP." So, I went. I got a ride with one of my "brothers" and we headed up after work Friday night. When we arrived, there was registration and assigning you to cabins. I just remember thinking that there was no one there that I would even date. I started wondering why I was even there.
The next morning we all gathered for a devotional. The musical number was sung by this guy. He was overweight and dressed strangely (it was the 80's after all, but he seemed to have no sense of fashion, mixing several different styles all at once) and seemed to think that he was pretty funny. I didn't think much of him...until he opened his mouth and sang. Even now, 25 years later I remember the feeling I experienced when he sang. Even now, it makes me cry (or maybe I'm just tired, hungry, and extremely stressed). I always loved telling this story. You know, "The Story of How We Met." Best story. EVER. You know in the movies when the two lovers meet for the first time and the rest of the room goes dark except the two lovers, and the light practically beams down on just the two of them? It was kind of like that. It was just me staring at him singing, knowing that the song he was singing was just for me. It was called "The Test" by Janice Kapp Perry.
The Test
Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn't he who worked the miracles
send light into your eyes
Tell me friend if you understand.
Why doesn't he with power to raise the dead just make
you whole again?
It would be so easy for him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why.
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply.
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial we would be blessed
But this life is the test.
Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing does the
crippling thorn remain?
Help me see if you understand.
Why doesn't he who heal the lame man
come with healing in his wings?
It would be so easy for him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial
We would be blessed.
But this life is the test.
Tell me love why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms and ask
the question why?
Help me know so I can go on.
How when your love in faith sustain me,
Can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry.
Though pangs of grief within my soul arise,
The whisperings of the spirit still my cries.
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial we would be blessed.
But this life is the test.
After the song ended, the world went back to normal and it was me sitting with everyone else. I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to focus on the rest of the meeting. After it was over, I found the soloist and told him that I loved the song and how it made me cry. He just thanked me. That was it. No epic connection, just "thanks." I didn't think much more about it and went to spend the afternoon out by the pool....and there he was. What happened in between the moment he showed up at the pool with his roommate and the actual moment we started talking does not matter. We talked non-stop the rest of the day. That night he kissed me on the cheek and practically ran away and I thought I'd never see him again. The next day he was right back again. He ended up calling me every day, left notes on my apartment door, showed up at random times to see me (even seeing me without makeup and he still came back), and a month later we were engaged. We had that instant connection and I felt like I'd spent my whole life looking for him. Once I found him, I was done searching. We were inseparable from that moment until...until the end of the marriage 20 years later, I guess.
My point being, because I always have a point, is that I miss that connection. That person you can always count on. You can comfortably sit in front of the TV, or reading together in bed and never say a word, and it's okay. You've had a bad day and that other person is there to make the day better. You always have them to talk to. Even when you have an argument, it's not the end of the world. You know they're always going to be there. They see all of your flaws and love you anyway. They see your wake-up-in-the-morning face and they still come back every night to wake up with you again. There is that trust that you know they love you and they'll be there when you need them, or even when you don't need them. They are there through bills, crying babies, sickness, dog poo, burnt dinners, speeding tickets, bad gas, bad breath, and weight gain. Even when you are tired and can barely kiss them goodnight, they keep coming back. Unconditional love. Holding hands as you sit in a movie, walk down the street, watch TV. (By the way, the most personal connection between two people is holding hands.) Laughing over jokes only you know. Talking about "stuff." Being there for each other. That's what I miss. You can't find that easily anymore. I've been on too many first dates lately and, as far as I can tell, it could possibly be a long while before I find that connection again. Yes, marriage and relationships are tough but being alone is much, much worse.
You could sense from this blog that I miss my husband. Here's the thing, I LOVED my husband. I miss the connection that we had. BUT, the man I loved for twenty years is long gone. The man he has become is unrecognizable. Will I find a connection like that again? I believe so. Other people have it. Why wouldn't I? Did I give up that opportunity when my marriage ended? Not a chance.
Why doesn't he who worked the miracles
send light into your eyes
Tell me friend if you understand.
Why doesn't he with power to raise the dead just make
you whole again?
It would be so easy for him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why.
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply.
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial we would be blessed
But this life is the test.
Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing does the
crippling thorn remain?
Help me see if you understand.
Why doesn't he who heal the lame man
come with healing in his wings?
It would be so easy for him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say that we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial
We would be blessed.
But this life is the test.
Tell me love why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms and ask
the question why?
Help me know so I can go on.
How when your love in faith sustain me,
Can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry.
Though pangs of grief within my soul arise,
The whisperings of the spirit still my cries.
Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?
Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't he say we could live with him
Forever more, well and whole,
If we but patiently endure?
After the trial we would be blessed.
But this life is the test.
After the song ended, the world went back to normal and it was me sitting with everyone else. I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to focus on the rest of the meeting. After it was over, I found the soloist and told him that I loved the song and how it made me cry. He just thanked me. That was it. No epic connection, just "thanks." I didn't think much more about it and went to spend the afternoon out by the pool....and there he was. What happened in between the moment he showed up at the pool with his roommate and the actual moment we started talking does not matter. We talked non-stop the rest of the day. That night he kissed me on the cheek and practically ran away and I thought I'd never see him again. The next day he was right back again. He ended up calling me every day, left notes on my apartment door, showed up at random times to see me (even seeing me without makeup and he still came back), and a month later we were engaged. We had that instant connection and I felt like I'd spent my whole life looking for him. Once I found him, I was done searching. We were inseparable from that moment until...until the end of the marriage 20 years later, I guess.
My point being, because I always have a point, is that I miss that connection. That person you can always count on. You can comfortably sit in front of the TV, or reading together in bed and never say a word, and it's okay. You've had a bad day and that other person is there to make the day better. You always have them to talk to. Even when you have an argument, it's not the end of the world. You know they're always going to be there. They see all of your flaws and love you anyway. They see your wake-up-in-the-morning face and they still come back every night to wake up with you again. There is that trust that you know they love you and they'll be there when you need them, or even when you don't need them. They are there through bills, crying babies, sickness, dog poo, burnt dinners, speeding tickets, bad gas, bad breath, and weight gain. Even when you are tired and can barely kiss them goodnight, they keep coming back. Unconditional love. Holding hands as you sit in a movie, walk down the street, watch TV. (By the way, the most personal connection between two people is holding hands.) Laughing over jokes only you know. Talking about "stuff." Being there for each other. That's what I miss. You can't find that easily anymore. I've been on too many first dates lately and, as far as I can tell, it could possibly be a long while before I find that connection again. Yes, marriage and relationships are tough but being alone is much, much worse.
You could sense from this blog that I miss my husband. Here's the thing, I LOVED my husband. I miss the connection that we had. BUT, the man I loved for twenty years is long gone. The man he has become is unrecognizable. Will I find a connection like that again? I believe so. Other people have it. Why wouldn't I? Did I give up that opportunity when my marriage ended? Not a chance.
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