***Addendum** (Updated October 7th)
Said stalker seems to think that this whole thing has not affected me at all. I lost my friend. This was someone who has been in my life for four years. He's been involved in every facet of my life. I didn't just let go of four years of abuse. I lost someone who was important to me for four years, practically my whole life, even throughout the crap he put me through. Had he not been important to me, I would have walked away the first time he ever picked a fight with me over religion. Told me my birthday was just another day of the week. Picked a fight on Christmas. Got mad at me because I didn't need him to leave work early because I had cut my foot. Or the time he got mad because I didn't need to wake him up when I went to the ER with heart issues. I would have walked away the first time he kicked in the cabinet doors in our bathroom. Or kicked a hole in the bedroom door. Or shoved me into the wall hard enough to leave an indent in the sheet rock and a bruise so big on my arm that I had to wear long sleeves in the summer. Or sent me nasty emails and text messages when I was at work. Or decided at the last minute he wasn't going to help me with a school presentation he promised he'd help me with so that I got a zero for my grade. Or shoved me to the ground in the parking garage at work so that I slammed my head into the cement. (This was the first time I filed a police report.) By this time I had been dating him for 2 1/2 years.
Let us not forget June of 2013 when he got mad because he didn't think I was paying enough attention to him while he was out of town. And when he assumed I was picking him up from the airport (when he had never actually asked me if I would), and I couldn't because I had an appointment, he lost his ever loving mind. It was midnight on my birthday and suddenly I'm receiving alerts from Amazon, my bank account, my email addresses, my cell phone account, and Netflix all telling me that someone has logged into my accounts and is making changes. He locked me out of Amazon and ordered an iPad mini plus the supplies that go with it all using my debit card on file. (I need to add here that Amazon is really amazing at fixing stuff like this almost immediately. The order was canceled/no money lost). He locked me out of Netflix and attempted to order gift cards using my debit card on file. (Thank you Netflix for being so diligent in getting everything switched back to normal). He even changed the language on Netflix to Spanish...because I can speak Spanish? Nope. (He really should have been more creative and changed the language to Chinese) He attempted to hack into my bank account but he didn't know the password so his attempt failed, thankfully, and I received an immediate notification. He even went so far as to create a new Facebook account in my name and friend request me. Seriously, I was friend requested...by me. Luckily he was crazy enough to use my email address to start it and I began to get those emails also. He hacked into my email addresses and began reading my emails looking for something suspicious. As all of this was happening, I was frantically chasing after him online changing everything back and changing every single password into something he could never even guess. Then he sent me messages admitting he had done it all. I spent the next two days in a police station filing a report against him, trying to get an order of protection against him. They wouldn't do it. He wasn't violent enough. Don't they know that this is how women are killed by their spouses, boyfriends, etc? Not violent enough? How violent does he have to be before it is enough?
And yet, even then, I did not learn. I should have walked away right then and there and never looked back.
He has packed up his belongings and threatened to leave so many times, it was more packing than he did when we actually moved. He continuously threatened to take things away from me that he gave me because to him "THINGS" were more important than a human. Than the heart of the woman he supposedly loved. His way of controlling things. In his mind. When I could FINALLY walk away and stand on my own two feet, even THEN I never felt safe.
And now, even though I have told him to stop contacting me or my family or my friends, or even ex-friends, or I would contact the police, he STILL CONTACTS ME. Even after his Bishop tells him to stop contacting me twice in twenty-four hours, he still does it. He creates a fake profile on POF with a fake picture, fake description, fake name, fake age and starts a conversation with me pretending to be a nice guy. And thinks it is okay. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Is he for REAL?
And, the thing is, I have NEVER mentioned his name in any post, whether here or on Facebook. Because I don't want to cause OTHERS to look at him badly. Only those in my family and those closest friends even know who I am talking about. Does he do the same for me?
I lost my movie buddy, my Comic Con buddy, my sushi buddy, my Walking Dead buddy. I lost someone I could talk to about anything. If I was upset about something, he was the first person I called because I knew he'd be there. I lost SO MUCH MORE than he thinks I realize. I lost my best friend. And more.
But I need to remember all of this so I don't do it again.
Why did I stay? I couldn't tell you. Nor can any woman involved in an abusive relationship. I think it's because I am not sure I don't deserve it. I've spent the last year trying to fix not just four years of abuse, but a lifetime of abuse from practically every male influence in my life. SO, when the ex-boyfriend tells me all of my relationship failures are my fault, why not believe him? He would tell me that the common denominator in my failed relationships was me. It must be true. Why should I deserve a loving, honest, sweet man? WHY SHOULD I? We attract what we feel we deserve. When he tells me that any issues my children have is my fault, why shouldn't I believe him? I've spent the last year trying to change that mindset. Yet, one blow-up from him brings everything rushing back. Every old story that was written for me, but not by me. It must all be true. Just when I think I have healed and worked towards seeing the light inside of me, he reminds me that I must be garbage. It must be true.
And that is why I must walk away for the last time. It's survival. He will never change. I'm sure even now he believes I will let him back into my life and forgive him. Again. It is not going to happen. EVER. Because he will never change. There will always be something I am doing wrong. The eggshells will continue to be laid out before me, waiting for me to walk on them. I have told him a million times over that if he was sweet all of the time, because when he is sweet he is amazing, I would marry him. When he is good to me, he is wonderful. But Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dance around me so often that I cannot exist in that same space with them. He will not and cannot promise me he won't hurt me, and he has told me that many times. And I have told him that I need that promise. He will not change because he does not see that there is a problem. He continues to blame me for his behavior. So, if I am to survive any longer I must walk away for the last time. When my family and friends tell me they fear for my life, it's time.
There is a commercial running right now during football regarding domestic violence and rape. I've never been a victim of rape but, because of my life with the crazy ex-boyfriend, I am an authority on domestic violence.
http://youtu.be/I6zKqx5srts
Dear Ex-Boyfriend, seek help. I know you are reading this. Read it again and again until you understand. Before you start a new relationship. Before you damage another love. Before you hurt one more love. Before you help bring life into this world and pass on what you have been taught that causes you to be this horrible person, seek help. Stop the abuse now. I know you can be a really wonderful man. If I know that, someone else will also. But, before you seek the love and attention that you crave so desperately, seek help. I am sorry that you feel you can only be in this type of relationship. That, after watching the abusive relationship your parents have, you think it must be the only way to love. Stop the abuse now, before it's too late.
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