Blog Challenge #6: A Vulnerable Post

     I think this one was a little tougher for me because I thought I had already been vulnerable with my personal post. As I said before, I am an open book. What you see is what you get. I don't really hide anything. Just ask me and I'll tell you. 

     Fine, let us revisit #10: My self-esteem. That's about as personal as you can get, don't you think? Revisiting something that I try so hard to ignore is pretty "vulnerable". 

     Being raised in a home where you were never pretty enough, you were overweight, had bad acne, a bad haircut, your hair was too short, or too long, the only girl in the family with thunder thighs (my personal favorite), OR if a guy stopped dating you it was because you made him feel things he didn't want to/shouldn't feel (sexually) and he got scared (college). This makes it my fault that I can't keep a long-term relationship. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be popular (who doesn't?). I wanted to hear that I was beautiful and hey, I wanted to be told that if a guy left you it was because he didn't deserve you. I never did. I kept waiting. I was always insecure about my looks, my life, and my relationships. On the outside it didn't look like it, and no one believed I had low self-esteem. I was loud, friendly, happy. How could I have a low opinion of myself? But, I craved attention. My senior year I had three boyfriends all at the same time. One at my school, one in college, and one at another school in another district. I'm not bragging. I'm not proud. Of course, it all blew up in my face eventually. I deserved it.  I NEEDED to feel loved. I went from one relationship to another. I was never NOT in a relationship. If I didn't have some sort of relationship, I felt empty and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why am I single? It must be that I didn't deserve someone who would love me. Really love me. Like forever. 

      Jump ahead twenty-something years later. I was married to a pornography addict. Now my "story" becomes that I am not attractive enough for my second husband to pay attention to me instead of the computer or tv. Wherever he could find it. Even going so far as to look at it while the kids are in the next room. He even told me at one point that he wasn't attracted to me. It was about me. Too fat, short hair, mother of four kids. The spark has taken a vacation, the thrill is gone. 20+ years of this and you truly believe it is all about you. Something was wrong with me. 

     Add in the next four years with an abusive boyfriend/friend and you are back to when you were growing up. You deserve the abuse. It is something you are doing. You can love someone with every fiber of your being but if they have issues of their own; a low opinion of women, depression, anger issues, low self-esteem, suspicion, jealousy. You become the target. You are their punching bag, literally and figuratively. And all of their behavior is your fault. They will not take the blame. If you had acted differently, if you had done something differently, this never would have happened. 

     And now I find myself single again. It's tough. Once in awhile the old story, the one that was written for me but not by me, pops up in my head and says, "What's wrong with me?" I learned a year ago that I could erase the old story and rewrite a new one. It's hard to let go of 50+ years of fiction. FIFTY YEARS. 

     And it really WAS fiction. All that crap that I was raised to believe was never true. Whether I had long or short hair, acne and no makeup, fat or thin, thunder thighs or not (and I have fully embraced my thighs, thankyouverymuch), I was beautiful. I was loved. It was learning to love myself that was the hard part. I had made many many mistakes in my past, most of them fueled by my self-loathing. Can you imagine if I had grown up differently? Learned about healthy relationships in my youth? Viewed myself with "God's Goggles" my entire life? But I didn't. Would I have grown into the woman I am today? Probably not. And that's okay. I like the woman I am today. I really do. 

     So, yesterday I had one of those POF first dates. He was one of those guys that skipped "Let's get to know each other" (and chat online for a few days) and went right for, "Let's go out." I didn't really want to go out with him. He wasn't my type. But the day he asked me out for a second time I felt vulnerable (there's that word again). I felt lonely. (Beware of feeling sorry for yourself.) So, I said okay to his request but kept it neutral. Coffee. Broad daylight. Here's the funny thing: the date was at 11am. I was required to drive north about twenty miles because he didn't offer to come in this direction. This meant that I should have been in the shower at 9:30 at the latest. I was up at 7:30am. It was possible. And then I got sidetracked by my last blog post. I wanted to get it written and online. And the next thing I knew, it was 10! I had to leave by 10:40 at the latest!! I hadn't even showered!! AND I cared enough to make sure I looked good for this "date." I texted him and asked if we could move it back to 11:30. He was fine with that. I got ready, out the door, arrived at said coffee shop at 11:31. He was no where to be seen. 

    I texted him, "I'm here. Where are you?" No reply. I waited. 11:35. 11:40. I see a car pull up right in front of the coffee shop and I get a text: "Are you inside? I just pulled up." Seriously? Wouldn't you just go inside and check? I texted back, "Uh, yeah." It was the only thing I could think to say. I was past the point of no return. I was annoyed. That still didn't make him come right inside. Nope. He sat in his car for two more minutes. I was already rehearsing what I was going to say. He would have every opportunity to fix it. He didn't take advantage of that opportunity. He walked in wearing an old ratty t-shirt that he had worn in at least three of his pictures on POF. Must be a favorite. I get that. BUT, it is a first date. Isn't the point to impress your date? He was wearing sunglasses. He never took them off. Inside. He walked across the small shop, said hello. Not "I'm sorry I'm late," and make some excuse. Not a word. He hugged me and purred, "Mmmmmm." I stepped back. "Nice to meet you. I'm going to buy myself an iced coffee and go home. You are ten minutes late. I understand that I moved the time to later but..." He just looked at me and said, "Okay. Bye." and walked out.

     Now, this was something new for me. I had never ever stood up for myself like that. Had it been about four months earlier, I would have just put a smile on my face and endured the date, thinking I would never go out with him again. Once he walked out of the coffee shop, I just laughed. A loud belly laugh. I don't know if it was because I was releasing stress or if it was suddenly realizing that I deserved better. I spent the next 10 minutes chatting with the little barista boy about ballroom dancing. Better conversation in ten minutes than I would have had on that entire date had it have happened. I got back out to my car just in time to get a text from Mr. Wonderful: "Good luck dating with that attitude." I laughed again, so hard. I texted him back, "Yeah. You too." and then I blocked him.  

     I felt liberated!! Look what I had done! I had stood up for myself. I had found self-respect and self-love. I realized my own self-worth. It was about time! I had often said "I am lonely but I am not desperate." When I accepted his date, I was most definitely desperate. Why would I accept a date from someone that I knew would not be what I was looking for otherwise? It would not happen again. 

          I still have those days of feeling lonely but they are getting fewer and farther between. Even without a date, or a text, or a phone call from whomever I happen to be attracted to, I am okay. I don't blame myself. I don't wonder "What's wrong with me?" I'm not sitting by the phone. I am enjoying the peace and quiet in my soul, my head, and my heart. I know what I have to offer the next man in my life. And I know I don't need someone to complete me, or fix me, or make me happy. Whomever I let into my heart next will simply add to whom I am now and whom I will become. I have years of adventures, travel, and love ahead of me. The next guy is going to have to be amazing for me to make room for him. 

AFTER the date...