This New Political Clime

I had hoped that today would be one where angry words,  accusational posts, and articles of hate would have ceased. I should have known better. Another day (or week or month) where I am going to have to skim past my friends angry and hateful posts because people have forgotten to be KIND and loving to each other. Because it seems that hate and fear now rule the media and social network. And reading hate, fear, and anger make me sick to my stomach because I know that I became friends with these people because there was a time when I witnessed joy and love and kindness in them.

Kids, when will it stop? When will we realize that a president cannot protect our families? Our daughters and our sons? A government official cannot cause hate and divisiveness to come into our homes. He/she cannot bring it into our schools. He cannot turn on our televisions and teach our children hate and fear. When will we realize that our children are not born to hate. They do not grow up learning hate because of who's in charge In the White House. They do not learn fear there either. WE are responsible for teaching who our children grow up loving or hating, not anyone else. WE bring hate and fear into our homes with what we say and do and teach. If we hate other people for their political views, our children will too. If we hate other people because their religious beliefs are different than ours, our children will too. WE are responsible. No. One. Else.
If you actually believe this president will cause your children to be in danger, then you have given up the responsibility of raising your children. If you believe that his "warmongering" and "hate towards women, LGBT, Hispanics, Muslims" etc. will be the end of our nation, then you need to look in the mirror.
WHO is in charge of your home?
WHO is in charge of keeping your children safe?
WHO is in charge of your life?
WHO is in charge of your heart, your mind, your ability to show love and kindness to another human being?
Not any president whether man or woman. Not any government leader.
YOU are.
 Just you.
So if you are angry and hurt and fearful and divisive, you are showing your children that that is how it is going to be. And how it should be.
Please stop. Stop the hate. Stop the fear.
Instead spread kindness and love to your fellow human being.
It starts with us.
 It always has.
Not some guy in the white building in another state.
This hate and fear and evil that I see spread across the media and coming from my friends is not who we are.
Please. Just stop.
Stop for a moment and listen to your heart.
Is this who you are?
Is this what you want for your children?
It's up to you. Not anyone else.
Make. It. Stop.

Shower Epiphany: Being a Nice Person vs Flirting

           I posted on Facebook recently that I had received a rather lengthy email from an old friend who was concerned that my feelings for him were more than just "friends" status. I was really surprised by this email because I hadn't given any hint during the random times we'd spent together in two weeks that I wanted to be more than friends. Because I didn't.

     One of my Facebook friends commented that I must have been flirting with him.

Hmmmm. Nope.

     You see, this old friend was my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one I've mentioned in previous posts. Why would I even consider going into a relationship with him again that was anything more than just friends?  Some might wonder why I would even want to be friends with him. Because, I'm a nice person. I forgive easily. No, really. I do. I can be trampled over and over again and still stand up and say, "Okay. One more chance." It's what I do. I did it for 22 years (even doing it now, three years later) with my ex-husband. I love so I forgive.

     Anyway, Comic Con was approaching. I go every single time with my youngest son, Luke. It's our thing. But Luke has become a social butterfly so he likes to go wander Comic Con by himself, or with his friends (who wants to hang out with their MOM?), and I knew I would be left alone to wander Comic Con in my little Steampunk outfits. I knew it wouldn't be as much fun alone. It's always more fun with someone who also wants to be there as much as you do. I don't have any other Comic Con friends. You know, the ones who get soooo excited about being there that they buy their tickets as soon as they go on sale...6 months ahead of time.  And I knew the ex-boyfriend was one of those people who did. We had a common interest: Comic Con. Since the first one three years ago that only Luke and I had attended, we had gone to every single one together, the ex-boyfriend and I. That was why I contacted him after a no-contact zone of six months. So I'd have someone to wander Comic Con with. And so that, knowing him, he'd have someone to go to Comic Con with also.  That was the only reason. Nothing more.

     Let me first preface this whole thing (wait, I didn't really preface it, did I?) by saying that I am not lonely. I don't feel alone. At all. It's weird. For a really long time I had felt lonely. I perused dating sites every six months, hoping to find that one person who'd fix my loneliness. Guess what? I fixed it by myself.  Seriously. Didn't need some guy to do it for me. Imagine that. AND I am really confortable in my single status. Really. That scares me a little bit too, but that's a blog post for another day.

     So, two weeks ago I contacted the ex-boyfriend via email and asked him if he was going to Comic Con. He replied that he was and would be interested in doing what we've always done at Comic Cons before: wander together. Between that contact and Comic Con, we've gone to two movies together and a lunch (and I paid for myself which makes them NOT DATES), and the local Italian Festival. Once again, I paid for myself. Once again, not a date. Then we wandered Comic Con. The ex-boyfriend did not fund one part of my personal Comic Con experience. NOT DATING.

     And so, imagine my surprise when I get the lengthy email the day after Comic Con ends telling me that we could only be friends. That he didn't want me relying on him for movies and dinners. That I should also be seeing my other friends and "movie buddies".  And not be surprised if he distances himself when he becomes interested in someone else.

     HUH?

     Yeah. Me too.

    So, back to my initial epiphany: Being Nice vs Flirting.

     I'm a nice person. I treat all humans, male or female, with the same niceness. If you are friendly or sarcastic, BONUS!! We will get along perfectly. If you're nice to me, I am automatically nice back. That's why I've always been in customer service. It's what I do.

     When I worked at the front desk at my hotel, more than once I was told (jokingly) to stop flirting with the guests. It's because I am friendly. I'll act interested in what you have to say. I will laugh at your jokes. It's my job to make you feel good and walk away happier than you were when you first started talking to me.

    Is that flirting?

    Or am I just being nice?

     So is this where the world has gone? Have we forgotten what it's like to be friendly to people? So much so, that when someone is friendly to us, we think they are flirting? Or other people think we're flirting with them?

     My Facebook friend said that he found it hard to believe that I wasn't flirting with said ex-boyfriend.

     I cannot tell you when the last time was that I actually flirted with someone. I almost think I have forgotten how to flirt. Seriously. It's been so long.

     So the other morning when I was in the shower (because that is where all serious thinking - and karaoke - is done), it hit me: Was my ex-boyfriend so un-used to people being nice to him that when someone is, he thinks they're interested in him? Is that why he thought I was wanting to be more than friends? Because I was nice to him?

***Insert eye roll here***

     And is that why he never once asked me how I'd been or what I'd been up to for the last six months? Or showed any interest in my life? Or even smiled the first or second time he saw me after six months? (in fact, he just looked plain pissed) Because he was afraid I'd think he was interested in me?

***Insert another eye roll here***

     Is that where the world has gone? You can't be nice to someone without them thinking you're seriously interested in them?

     That's just sad.

     NEWSFLASH:

     Being nice to someone is not always flirting.

     Sometimes it just is what it is.

     I suppose there are those who are so blind to flirting that they don't notice it when someone actually is interested in them. They have their buddies punching them in the shoulder, "Dude. She was totally flirting with you!" and they still have no clue. (OR, there are those that assume EVERYONE is flirting with them. Big ego much?)

     And there are those, like me, who are just being themselves. Being nice to other people simply for the sake of being nice. No intentions. No ulterior motives.

Just. Being. Nice.

     Maybe, WORLD, if everyone started being a little nicer to those around them, there'd be less wars. Less homelessness. Less hunger. Less anger. Less loneliness. Less confusion. Less judgement. Less hate. Less of everything that is sad and bad.

     Maybe, just maybe, there would be more peace. Imagine that.

You know those little kids who smile at you in the grocery store checkout line simply because you're looking at them?

Do you suppose their flirting with you?

Doubtful.

   
Maybe we need to be a little more like them.

A New Adventure Takes Place...(or "Has she lost her every-loving mind?")

     Over three years ago when I started my new job at the Marriott, I thought I had the coolest job in the world. I remember walking the back hallways where only employees could go and seeing how everything runs behind the scenes. To me, this was an amazing place to be. I loved my job. It was actually fun to go to work and be around happy, fun people. Those were the people I worked with! We were friends! We would laugh over things we dealt with that only we understood, what we experienced. Non-hotel people just didn't get it.  I was excited to go to work more days than not. Even the cranky, entitled guests didn't phase me. It was their issues and had nothing to do with me. Work became my escape from a scary, depressing home life.

     And then I was promoted last December to restaurant supervisor. I was so proud of my new position and the fact that someone thought I could handle a position I'd never even considered taking on. The job was exhausting but I loved it. Loved my co-workers and my employees. I felt like I had a purpose, like I was making a difference. I was proud of my work. I was proud of me. Loved making guests happy when they came into my restaurant, bar, ordered from room service, bought a coffee at Starbucks. I was proud to be in the position I was in.

      I was never bored at work. We welcomed the days or a week of lulls between busy conventions and meetings, because when we were busy, we were really slammed. It was exhausting. Until three months ago, the exhaustion wasn't a bad thing. Have a couple of days off, or a couple quiet, low occupancy days at work, and you recover and were ready for the next slam. We were a team. We worked together, especially during hard times, or when we were short-staffed and made it all work. Those were fulfilling days. I loved being part of a team. Somewhere in the last few months, that opinion, that pride shifted. Going to work was no longer fun. At least more times than not, I didn't want to be there. School was suffering. Creativity was gone. I know, isn't that normal for a "job'? Who really wants to work? Isn't that why it's called "work" and not play? But that wasn't it. That shouldn't be it.

     I was in New York visiting my oldest son and his family for my 53rd (yes, I said it. I'm 53!) birthday last June and somehow it became a time of reevaluation of my current life. I had ten days where I had stepped away from my home, my job. I'm not sure what triggered it. Maybe because it was time. Maybe it was because I was another year older and I was stuck. I felt stuck. I always said that I felt like I was standing on a cliff waiting for someone to build a bridge to the other side. Even before getting this position. Somewhere after my divorce. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going. I'd lived in Utah for three years, not the place I ever thought I'd spend a year of my life, let alone three. I was planning on moving into a new place because the old place seemed to have become a dark spot in my life and Luke's. Bad ju-ju so to speak. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. I felt like I was lost. I felt like I was just hanging there, with no where to land. It was time. Major changes had to be made.

     I came home from New York and decided that I would be making a pilgrimage next May to Spain. One more thing that I wasn't sure how it had come into my life plan, but it had. I had watched a movie last year called "The Way," about a man who goes to Spain to pick up the dead body of his son who had been walking the Camino de Santiago, but that's a whole 'nother story for another blog post. I knew it was something I absolutely would be doing. I had to do it. Until then, I knew I would stay at my job until next May to save up money and then I would quit to walk the Camino de Santiago for 45 days (because I figured they'd probably never give me a month and a half off for "vacation"). After that, I'd figure it out. Wherever life led me. Or Heavenly Father. You know.

     Then about 5 weeks ago, after an altercation with an employee that was so out of the blue, so unneeded, so ridiculous, it hit me. I couldn't do it anymore. There wasn't one more day, one more hour that I could continue as restaurant supervisor. Funny thing is, I had been warned by this same employee last November that taking this job would be a mistake. She said it was a hard job, one with very little satisfaction and even less pay. She was telling me as a friend, because we were friends at the time. Anyway, this altercation sent me home that night to make a very hard decision. After 9 months of no respect, hearing "You're working alone tonight?", or "Do you know what you're doing?" I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. An ulcer that had been long dormant and caused as a result of the ex-boyfriend, was flaring up again. I spent many nights crying after work, during work. Not because of angry guests or problems at home. It was because of what I was experiencing right in my own office, my place of work. 75% of the time, depending on whom you were working with, it was a very hostile work environment. Being me, I was taking it personally, and I was taking it home with me.

     I'm pretty laid back. Really. I feel I expect very little from my employees other than doing the job you're paid to do. Work ethic. Most of the time, I prefer laughing with my employees and co-workers, even when we're busy. Especially when we're busy. I feel that part of gaining respect from your employees is that they like you a little bit too. Having fun at work, even while doing your job, makes it easier to clock in. Even when we're slammed from a convention, we could still have fun. That was part of being a team. I saw a sign once: "Being part of a team means making sure everyone is on the bus, not being thrown under it." I was being thrown under the bus way too often.

     That night after the altercation, I laid awake until 5:30 in the morning. I was upset. I was physically sick. I cried off and on for hours. I really didn't take what she said personally. It was that she had cornered me in my office and yelled at me, not over work related things. She was angry over personal things. She said I had changed since getting this position. It was about un-friending her on Facebook, telling her what to do at work (essentially asking her to do her job), "dating" her ex-husband (three dates...over a year ago). Nothing to do with work. Absolutely nothing to do with work. What got me was that it was SO personal. The last straw. I couldn't trust the people I worked with. Backstabbing, gossipy, under-the-bus throwing, lack of respect. Things that had been happening for so long, long before I was hired, that it had become acceptable behavior. Not just to me but other departments as well. This wasn't a job I could stay at. Not even until my trek across Spain. Not even until my one year mark in December. Realization hit. It hit hard. I was done.

     Two days later I was back at work. The two days off had given me time to think and time to talk to Luke to make sure he was okay with my decision. This was his future also. I was quitting a job that helped me contribute to the household. I was still getting spousal support but, without a full time job, things would be really tight. Strangely enough, neither of us were worried about it. We weren't stressed about it. We both knew it was the right decision. Just in case, so I wasn't rushing into anything that I would regret later, I waited two more days of work before sending my boss an email that would end my job as the restaurant supervisor. I told no one. Didn't tell my family, didn't post the announcement on Facebook, didn't hint at it to anyone, didn't tell my co-workers. I kept it quiet. I wanted to make sure it was the right decision. And I cried as I typed up my resignation letter. It wasn't an easy decision to make. Not at all. I loved working for the Marriott. My boss had planned an important trip to North Carolina mid-August. I told him I would wait until he got back from vacation. Then a few days later, when word was out, my co-supervisor mentioned that she had a family vacation that she had planned and she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to do it. I said I would wait until she got back. Essentially I gave a five week notice. I am that nice. It's what I do.

     I realized throughout all of this that my true passion, writing, was something I hadn't done since last November. I had stopped feeling the joy. Stopped feeling inspired. Was there a correlation? Probably. That's when I decided that what I really wanted to do was find a job I could do from home. With that, I could finish college, pursue my writing goals, and even have time for much-needed creative pursuits. With that, I could also avoid the back-stabbing, screaming, angry, rude, drama-filled, throw her under the bus, gossipy co-workers. I could sit at home and do what I had always intended to do: Do your job and go home. No drama. Nothing more than a job. I would figure out how much work I needed to do, how much income I needed to have to be able to pay the bills, and find that job. Every Facebook meme that passed my way mentioning making that risky step, pursuing the dream, or being fearless spoke to me. And I felt at peace. I knew I was making the right decision.

      So, without fanfare, after five weeks of knowing I was leaving, yesterday was my last day as restaurant supervisor at the Marriott. Those that liked me told me how much they would miss me and how much they wished I wasn't leaving. One of my employees bought me lunch, another bought me a Starbucks lemonade as a way of saying goodbye. I was hugged, told I was loved, and wished well by so many. Those that didn't like me never said a word. Just asked when my last day was. Luckily, those employees/co-workers were the minority. Four, maybe five people. That said a lot about who I was. Because a part of me really still loves that place, I went on "pool status," meaning that if they need me in the restaurant department, whether running trays in room service, covering a hostess shift when they are short-staffed, or filling in as "lead" when a supervisor or manager needs time off, I would be there. The fact that they would rather put me on pool status than lose me completely also said a lot about who I am. And I took great pleasure in telling those four/maybe five people who didn't like me that I was going on pool status. (insert evil grin here)

      So, today is more than just another day off. I am officially unemployed. I haven't really had time to fully pursue a new job. I've applied at a few places, even have a virtual interview with one at-home job (that I'm not sure I really want). I still have my painting instruction classes at Michael's and I can increase my schedule there. I haven't fully unpacked my boxes since moving into my new apartment almost a month ago. Today I have cleaned, listened to inspiring podcasts by my favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, relaxed, and hung out here on Blogger for the first time since last November, writing my heart out. I don't think that it has completely hit me that I don't have a job. Give me a few more days. Right now it feels like another day off from work. Except that I'm not dreading clocking in tomorrow. Tomorrow is kind of another day off, I guess. It is finals week in my Spanish class so I have that. I still have unpacking. And so many creative things I am going to do. The weight has lifted.

      Look out world, here I come.

Epiphany

     I started "seeing" a life coach last week. It was just one of those random moments when you are talking to someone you've known for over a year, assuming you know them pretty well, and then discovering something about them you never even guessed. One of my (what I thought) dear friends and I were chatting online one day and he started to ask me how I was doing. It was one of those low days I've had lately and I couldn't hide my mood. That's when he told me he wanted to help me. Suddenly he's telling me that he's a life coach and he has been for almost ten years. I had no idea. This guy owns my favorite pizza place (authentic Italian, no less) and dabbles in several different businesses. I never thought this was one of them. Next thing I know, I have an appointment with him that afternoon. 

     It's awkward to sit down with a friend and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets and fears, especially in person. I know. If they are really your friend, it isn't awkward. So, I guess he wasn't my "friend." He was someone I admired, loved and liked to be around but I never showed him my "real self." I showed him my happy self, the one most people actually see. He never heard about my vulnerable side. I never let him see that. I let very few people see that. I don't like whining and I don't like talking about my problems (even though I really don't have any problems). You understand, right? This blog, right here, is where I put my thoughts, my hurts, my dreams. Everything. I share it with you, dear strangers because I do not fear your judgment, and you are not going to tell me to snap out of it, right? You just read and move on. 

     Not this guy. I thought he'd be more gentle in his approach to me exposing myself. Instead he has become one of those people that just doesn't put up with my crap. I love those people. They make me think.

     So, my first week in a five week plan is to write letters to those I feel have hurt me in some way. 

And apologize. 

Wait. 

You want me to what, exactly? 

      Apologize.  

     Apologize for expecting them to be more than they were. Expecting my dad to be the 60s/70s TV dad I always wanted. Expecting my ex-husband to be a great father, be honest, and want me more than he wanted pornography. Expecting my ex-boyfriend to control his temper. 

     I cannot expect people to be someone more than they actually are. Wow.

     Apologizing to them releases their bond over me and stops me from being the "victim." Playing the victim card.
Blaming them for who I am, or how I feel about myself today. 

Easier said than done.

Or is it?

     So, the other night when I couldn't sleep, I wrote a letter to my dad. Just on my phone. In the dark. While my mom slept in the other bed in our hotel room. I told him that I knew that he had always loved me, I knew that no matter what words he used to upset me, not matter how he treated me when I was growing up, I always knew that he loved me. And I knew that Heavenly Father loved me, so it shouldn't make any difference what words my father used, I should have always known otherwise. I should have always known. 

So, why didn't  I? 

     I chose to listen to what was being said to me. I interpreted what my dad was telling me as "I don't love you," or "You are unloveable." He never said those words. Not in my entire life. He never told me that I was stupid, or ugly, or fat, or unloved. He may have said things in anger, or even just without thinking, but he never said anything I should have interpreted as being unloved. 

    I keep a lot of motivational (feel good) thoughts that I find on the internet, or they just happen to wend their way through my Facebook page. I save them for later use, share them with my friends, or I think they might inspire me later. Yesterday, when I was struggling with "apologizing" to those who hurt me, I came across this:

Number 4 is the one that hit me. 

"4. Where did we get the idea that if we don't forgive people, they suffer?"

Exactly.

Where did we ever get that idea?
How does holding a grudge against someone hurt THEIR feelings? 
And then I felt peace. Seriously. 
A really calm feeling came over me. 
The calm feeling I get when Heavenly Father speaks to me and tells me that whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm thinking, is right.

    And I "got" it. 

     The rest of "Happiness in a Nutshell" is also great and something I want/need to remember. It's all true. 

     I think I passed the test for week number 1 of my 5 week lesson on loving/healing myself. I have a feeling it's only going to get harder as the weeks go on. It may take me 5 days every week to actually understand what my life coach is trying to teach me, but 5 days is better than continuing to beat myself up over something that never actually happened. 

     It's okay. I got this.







    

Random Things That Make Me Happy

     I remember years ago reading someone's list of "100 things that make me happy" and trying to write my own. It was impossible. I could barely think of twenty. Last night at almost 2AM, I decided to write down things that make me happy, just because I was thinking about them, and I thought it would be another short list. It wasn't. It was really long and just kept pouring out of my head. When I woke up this morning at 6AM, I found that I had even more to add. And I keep adding to it!

     I think I must be happier in my life now than I was years ago when I tried to compile the list originally. I know I was unhappy in my marriage at the time but I still thought I was a happy person. Imagine my surprise now when my list was so easy to write and so easy to add to. This is a time in my life where I think I am at a pretty low point yet I could think of so many things that make me happy. And I could easily add more to the list even as I type this now. Is it because as I have gotten older that I pay more attention to the little things, the every day mundane experiences, than I ever have before? 

What is on your list? I challenge you to write a list of 100+ 

things that make you happy. If your list comes up short, find 

out why. Life is too short to not notice 

                          Every. Beautiful. Moment.  

                      Things that make me happy. 

                       (in no particular order, I swear)

Children's laughter 

A baby's smile 

Hugs

Smell of lavender

Puppy breath 

Sunshine on my face 

Flirting

Singing to the radio 

Sitting on a beach with my toes in the sand 

Going on a cruise

Love

Baby animals 

My children laughing together 

My grandson 

Belly laughs with my friends 

The smell of garlic

Great food

Italy

Sound of waves

Swimming

Roses

Great movies

Hard rain 

Great music 

Singing in my car

Driving fast

Road trips

Disney anything

Holding hands 

Ice cream 

Chocolate 

Being with my kids 

Girl talk

Back massages 

Love notes

A man who can dance 

Pedicures

Smell of leather 

New shoes

Nordstrom's shoe department

Fitting into skinny jeans 

Colored contacts

Dressing up 

Kissing someone I love

Cuddling 

Raspberries 

Comic con

Dancing 

Nature

Silence

Cicadas 

Steak

Sushi

Diet coke

Lemonade 

Palm trees

Crack of a metal bat that announces spring time

Wind chimes 

Birds singing 

Laying in a park in the sunshine 

Watching the stars at night

Thunder and lightening storms 

Power outages

Candlelight 

Deep conversations 

Making love

Sightseeing

Adventures

Getting lost

Epiphanies

Someone who "gets" me

The smell of clean skin

Smell of babies

Being pregnant

Being a mom

Shopping

Spending time with my mom

Skype

Cheese

Kisses on the back of my neck 

Jazz music 

Dentist cleaning 

Cleaning the kitchen 

Reading a good book 

Making someone smile

A child's wave

Being warm in the winter 

When someone says "Me too!"

Christmas lights in the dark

Christmas music

Having money in the bank 

Hotels 

Doing anything with my kids

The "sound" of silence during a snow storm

Feeling healthy 

My bed

Naps

Sincere people

Great sarcasm

Feeling loved

New friends

Old friends 

Green grass

New car smell 

Playing footsie

Spooning 

"Making out"

Connecting deeply with someone

Barbra Streisand songs

My old wedding ring 

Encouraging words

Life coaches

Being in love

Cooking

Earth tones

Painting

Crafts

Gardening

Accomplishments

Singing hymns in church

Planning a trip

Flying somewhere 

Fresh fruit and vegetables

New place to live 

New beginnings

Knowing my children are happy

Weddings 

Art 

Architecture 

Big cities

Small towns

Ferry rides 

Riding a horse

Rivers and streams 

Eastern Tennessee

Florida

San Diego beaches

Rome 

Italian accents

Some men's cologne 

Beards and goatees (but only on men)

Great hair

Grey or white hair on men

Curly hair

Beautiful eyes 

Beautiful  smiles

Empty house and silence

  

Playing cards

Happy people

The zoo

Roller coasters

Clean sheets and a freshly made bed 

The smell of the dryer running

Nice people

Online shopping 

Shopping for other people

Chocolate cake

Seafood

Feeling beautiful

Feeling loved 

Service for others

Cheap gas

Socks

Musicals 

Anticipation of a first kiss

Old movies

Feeling inspired

Babies sleeping

Old Saturday morning cartoons

Selflessness

Old couples holding hands

My dad's smile and laugh

Compliments

Italian food

New "toys" (electronics)

Fresh air

Rental cars

Warms blankets on a cold day

Fire crackling in a fireplace

Campfire

Bacon

Camping breakfast

Smell of coffee

Starbucks

I Mourn

I Mourn

I mourn the loss of my children
with their independence 
and adulthood.
I mourn the loss of their childhood
 and how quickly it passed.
I mourn the loss of their innocence,
and the life experiences they must now have.
I mourn the loss of their need for me.

I mourn for the loss of love 
that was supposed to be forever.
I mourn the loss of love that used to be mine.
I mourn for the heart that now feels empty.
I mourn for a love that is forever gone
Never to return.

I mourn the friend that helped me smile
and brought me comfort when I was sick.
I mourn the time that is lost 
that we spent together
and movies, and dinner, and just being.
No more will they exist 
In an effort to save myself.

I mourn something I thought might be;
love, and laughs, and deep conversation.
I mourn the loss of endless possibilities.
I mourn the loss of future 
deep thoughts, 
and laughs 
and conversations.
I mourn the lost unknown.
What might have been.
And wonder,
why not

I mourn the loss of my home,
wherever that may be.
That feeling is lost 
with no sense of a home in sight.
I mourn for the loss of a sense of purpose.
A reason why I exist.
A future not seen.
No one has need for my heart, 
my love, my care.
A purposeless existence.

Do I Feel That I Am Unworthy?

This article was waaaaay too close for me. It touched on so many things that I am going thru/feeling right now. I feel like I need to tattoo this on my forehead to truly embed it in my head so I can just move forward in my life. 

The One Thing That's Keeping You from the Life You Want

The author of The Seat of the Soul and co-founder of the Seat of the Soul Institute explains how unworthiness keeps us from our happiness.

By Gary Zukav

What is unworthiness? It's the experience of having parts of your personality say, "I'm not worthy." For example, they might say, "I am unworthy of the love that I have in my life, or the wealth that I have." More commonly, they might say, "I am unworthy of the happiness that I feel." Thoughts such as "It's too good to be true," and "This can't last forever because it is too good" are experiences of unworthiness. You feel unworthy of what the universe has given you, you feel that you do not deserve it, that the other shoe will fall, and it is only a matter of time before you will get what you really deserve, which will be painful. 


Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving. It is the feeling that no matter what you do, it is not enough and that you are incurably inadequate, intrinsically and permanently flawed. It is the fear of people seeing you as you really are and the belief that if they did, they would not want anything to do with you. 


Beneath all of this is the experience of powerlessness—of feeling powerless to be a real part of life, to love, to be loved, to affect the world, to be heard, to be worth hearing or to have something worth saying. It is self-loathing, self-hatred. The pain of powerlessness is excruciating. It is the most painful experience in the earth school, and everyone shares it. 


Until recently, the pain of powerlessness has driven our evolution. It has caused us to reach outward continually, relentlessly, to change the world around us. Pursuing external power—the ability to manipulate and control—has been our way of avoiding the pain of powerlessness. Anything that we do to make ourselves feel worthy and safe is a flight from the pain of powerlessness. Every pursuit of external power—every attempt to change the world or a person in order to make yourself feel valuable and safe—is a distraction from the pain of powerlessness. All the distractions in the world cannot uproot the pain of powerlessness inside you. 


Our history is a chronicle of the ways that we have attempted to escape from the pain of powerlessness, or said another way, the ways that we have pursued external power. Tribes fight tribes, siblings fight siblings, nations invade nations, individuals strive to become stronger than one another, or more seductive, educated, wealthy or famous. The list is as long as it is familiar. 


The pursuit of external power surrounds us everywhere. We are continually attempting to mask the pain of powerlessness from ourselves, and others are continually doing the same. Driving every avaricious banker, sexual predator, workaholic, perfectionist and all attempts to exploit anything or anyone is fear of the pain of powerlessness and the need to escape it. 


Our perception is now expanding beyond the five senses. We are becoming able to see the pursuit of external power for what it is and the futility of trying to escape the pain of powerlessness by changing the world. When we look inward, not outward, we can dismantle the parts of our personalities that have controlled us for so long—such as anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, superiority, inferiority. We realize we need to change ourselves instead of the world in order to liberate ourselves once and for always from the tormenting experiences of unworthiness. 

Spiritual partners help one another recognize when a frightened part of the personality is active. They can alert you when you're striving to mask the pain of powerless, for example, by becoming angry, jealous or a victim. When you are not aware that a frightened part of your personality is active, you forget that all is perfect. You forget to relax and enjoy yourself. You become serious, concerned and overwhelmed. But if you were able to say, "I am doing it again! A part of my personality is feeling like the most unworthy person in the universe," then you could all laugh at this. 


The pain of powerlessness is still driving our evolution, but in a different way. Instead of reaching outward to change the world in order to avoid it, we must look inward to experience it, to change ourselves, to create authentic power, and act on the healthiest parts our personality that we can access in the moment. For example, we choose to act with patience when we are angry, or to act with appreciation when we are judging. 


This is a very big change. It is a change in the way that humanity is evolving. Our evolution now requires us to experience consciously all the painful impulses that have created all the painful consequences in our lives and then choose consciously to act instead from the healthiest, most wholesome parts of our personalities that we can access in the moment. 


Each time we do this, we create authentic power. When we create authentic power again and again, we become authentically powerful. Each experience of unworthiness reminds us, if we let it, that now is the time to create authentic power. 


To learn more about worthiness, visit SeatoftheSoul.com and read The Seat of the Soul. You can send questions to Gary Zukav at gary@seatofthesoul.com, and he will answer as many as he can on his website.