***Addendum** (Updated October 7th)
Said stalker seems to think that this whole thing has not affected me at all. I lost my friend. This was someone who has been in my life for four years. He's been involved in every facet of my life. I didn't just let go of four years of abuse. I lost someone who was important to me for four years, practically my whole life, even throughout the crap he put me through. Had he not been important to me, I would have walked away the first time he ever picked a fight with me over religion. Told me my birthday was just another day of the week. Picked a fight on Christmas. Got mad at me because I didn't need him to leave work early because I had cut my foot. Or the time he got mad because I didn't need to wake him up when I went to the ER with heart issues. I would have walked away the first time he kicked in the cabinet doors in our bathroom. Or kicked a hole in the bedroom door. Or shoved me into the wall hard enough to leave an indent in the sheet rock and a bruise so big on my arm that I had to wear long sleeves in the summer. Or sent me nasty emails and text messages when I was at work. Or decided at the last minute he wasn't going to help me with a school presentation he promised he'd help me with so that I got a zero for my grade. Or shoved me to the ground in the parking garage at work so that I slammed my head into the cement. (This was the first time I filed a police report.) By this time I had been dating him for 2 1/2 years.
Let us not forget June of 2013 when he got mad because he didn't think I was paying enough attention to him while he was out of town. And when he assumed I was picking him up from the airport (when he had never actually asked me if I would), and I couldn't because I had an appointment, he lost his ever loving mind. It was midnight on my birthday and suddenly I'm receiving alerts from Amazon, my bank account, my email addresses, my cell phone account, and Netflix all telling me that someone has logged into my accounts and is making changes. He locked me out of Amazon and ordered an iPad mini plus the supplies that go with it all using my debit card on file. (I need to add here that Amazon is really amazing at fixing stuff like this almost immediately. The order was canceled/no money lost). He locked me out of Netflix and attempted to order gift cards using my debit card on file. (Thank you Netflix for being so diligent in getting everything switched back to normal). He even changed the language on Netflix to Spanish...because I can speak Spanish? Nope. (He really should have been more creative and changed the language to Chinese) He attempted to hack into my bank account but he didn't know the password so his attempt failed, thankfully, and I received an immediate notification. He even went so far as to create a new Facebook account in my name and friend request me. Seriously, I was friend requested...by me. Luckily he was crazy enough to use my email address to start it and I began to get those emails also. He hacked into my email addresses and began reading my emails looking for something suspicious. As all of this was happening, I was frantically chasing after him online changing everything back and changing every single password into something he could never even guess. Then he sent me messages admitting he had done it all. I spent the next two days in a police station filing a report against him, trying to get an order of protection against him. They wouldn't do it. He wasn't violent enough. Don't they know that this is how women are killed by their spouses, boyfriends, etc? Not violent enough? How violent does he have to be before it is enough?
And yet, even then, I did not learn. I should have walked away right then and there and never looked back.
He has packed up his belongings and threatened to leave so many times, it was more packing than he did when we actually moved. He continuously threatened to take things away from me that he gave me because to him "THINGS" were more important than a human. Than the heart of the woman he supposedly loved. His way of controlling things. In his mind. When I could FINALLY walk away and stand on my own two feet, even THEN I never felt safe.
And now, even though I have told him to stop contacting me or my family or my friends, or even ex-friends, or I would contact the police, he STILL CONTACTS ME. Even after his Bishop tells him to stop contacting me twice in twenty-four hours, he still does it. He creates a fake profile on POF with a fake picture, fake description, fake name, fake age and starts a conversation with me pretending to be a nice guy. And thinks it is okay. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Is he for REAL?
And, the thing is, I have NEVER mentioned his name in any post, whether here or on Facebook. Because I don't want to cause OTHERS to look at him badly. Only those in my family and those closest friends even know who I am talking about. Does he do the same for me?
I lost my movie buddy, my Comic Con buddy, my sushi buddy, my Walking Dead buddy. I lost someone I could talk to about anything. If I was upset about something, he was the first person I called because I knew he'd be there. I lost SO MUCH MORE than he thinks I realize. I lost my best friend. And more.
But I need to remember all of this so I don't do it again.
Why did I stay? I couldn't tell you. Nor can any woman involved in an abusive relationship. I think it's because I am not sure I don't deserve it. I've spent the last year trying to fix not just four years of abuse, but a lifetime of abuse from practically every male influence in my life. SO, when the ex-boyfriend tells me all of my relationship failures are my fault, why not believe him? He would tell me that the common denominator in my failed relationships was me. It must be true. Why should I deserve a loving, honest, sweet man? WHY SHOULD I? We attract what we feel we deserve. When he tells me that any issues my children have is my fault, why shouldn't I believe him? I've spent the last year trying to change that mindset. Yet, one blow-up from him brings everything rushing back. Every old story that was written for me, but not by me. It must all be true. Just when I think I have healed and worked towards seeing the light inside of me, he reminds me that I must be garbage. It must be true.
And that is why I must walk away for the last time. It's survival. He will never change. I'm sure even now he believes I will let him back into my life and forgive him. Again. It is not going to happen. EVER. Because he will never change. There will always be something I am doing wrong. The eggshells will continue to be laid out before me, waiting for me to walk on them. I have told him a million times over that if he was sweet all of the time, because when he is sweet he is amazing, I would marry him. When he is good to me, he is wonderful. But Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dance around me so often that I cannot exist in that same space with them. He will not and cannot promise me he won't hurt me, and he has told me that many times. And I have told him that I need that promise. He will not change because he does not see that there is a problem. He continues to blame me for his behavior. So, if I am to survive any longer I must walk away for the last time. When my family and friends tell me they fear for my life, it's time.
There is a commercial running right now during football regarding domestic violence and rape. I've never been a victim of rape but, because of my life with the crazy ex-boyfriend, I am an authority on domestic violence.
http://youtu.be/I6zKqx5srts
Dear Ex-Boyfriend, seek help. I know you are reading this. Read it again and again until you understand. Before you start a new relationship. Before you damage another love. Before you hurt one more love. Before you help bring life into this world and pass on what you have been taught that causes you to be this horrible person, seek help. Stop the abuse now. I know you can be a really wonderful man. If I know that, someone else will also. But, before you seek the love and attention that you crave so desperately, seek help. I am sorry that you feel you can only be in this type of relationship. That, after watching the abusive relationship your parents have, you think it must be the only way to love. Stop the abuse now, before it's too late.
Showing posts with label psycho. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psycho. Show all posts
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Have I Learned My Lesson This Time? (Please do not read if you don't want to hear me vent, or get doused with drama)
A little over a year ago I posted here that I had a stalker. It wasn't a proud moment in my life but I felt like it needed to be made public in an effort to get the blackness of it out of my head, and to help others who may also have gotten themselves into this situation. Well, I'm back in this situation again. The really stupid part of it all is that it is the exact same person it was last time.
After said stalker put me through the ringer in June 2013, I decided that it was best to forgive the anxiety they had caused me and let them back into my life. I am a nice person. I don't like enemies and I don't like anyone to be mad at me or view me in a bad light. This person had been in my life for three years prior to the stalking post of June 2013, and having them as a "friend" seemed like an easy thing to do, BUT I never totally trusted this person and always kept them at arm's length. When you've been in an abusive relationship with someone, you never totally trust them. Always waiting for the bomb to drop again. That's what I've been doing for the last year. Just waiting.
The trigger for him this time was really ridiculous. I wasn't spending enough time with him as far as he was concerned. We were FRIENDS. How much time are you supposed to spend with friends? Are you supposed to text them all day every day? If you don't answer a text within at least twenty minutes, does that mean you are ignoring them? Because, heaven forbid you might actually be busy and unable to text back. Are you supposed to see them more than once a week? Are there actual FRIEND RULES? I didn't think there were. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really know how to be a friend. Maybe I've been doing it wrong my entire life. He felt I wasn't initiating text conversations. I wasn't talking to him all day every day. He accused me of lying by omission. (What was I omitting?) He is always happier if he can accuse me of lying. Either way, in his eyes I have violated the terms and conditions of the Friend Rules. Because of this, he has initiated full on bullying and threatening. It began with an email. Then another email. I responded to the first email - why I felt a need to defend myself for something I wasn't even doing, I don't know. Once again, I thought it would do some good. I began to ignore the next two emails because I knew it wouldn't do me any good to respond. When he gets worked up and starts accusing me, I have no defense. Nothing I can say will matter. He won't listen. You cannot reason with a mad dog.
If he senses a change in the force - i.e. I begin to make subtle changes to my life - it must be because I am doing something wrong. Something behind his back. Isn't the point of life to continuously improve who you are? In the last year, I have attended two self-help seminars to do just that. My stalker went to one of those seminars with me. I invited him in an effort to help him be a happier person. Did he learn anything? I'm going to assume that it's a big giant NO. I've lost 12 pounds in the last four months. Must be doing it because I'm seeing someone. Could it be that I was tired of feeling exhausted and unhealthy? When I started posting "selfies" on FB, he asked me who was taking the pictures. Seriously? SELFIE. By the way, he's been blocked on my FB since I labeled him my stalker a year ago. The guy now has THREE FB profiles. When he sent me a message on FB this morning, I discovered the third profile and blocked it also. That was the only way he was able to see my updated profile selfies. He would save them on his phone and text them to me, asking me who took them. Even as I type this, I realize how really stupid it is on my part to even have remained friends with him after the incident last June 2013. What the heck was I thinking?
And it's not like we haven't had small incidents of his temper flare-ups in the last year, or even in the past four years of our relationship, because we have. This is not the first time. He did really well for a while but they started up again a couple of months ago. He began panicking because he realized I might be moving away. THEN what control will be have over my life? I had him house-sit my dog (and my house) while I was home for a family reunion. WHY! Because I needed someone to watch my dog. He and I were friends. I thought I could trust him to do it. WRONG. He went through my drawers. He went through my closet. The day after I got back home, he proceeded to ask me questions about things he had found that he thought were questionable. I had to defend myself, which is ridiculous!! It's MY HOUSE with MY STUFF. I owe no explanation! He wrote me a huge lecturing letter and hid it in my drawer. Then he started sending me text messages asking probing questions. I'd had enough. I made him meet me in a park and I lectured him (like a little kid) until he listened to me and apologized. I thought it was over. Then there was the concert he took me to in August. He bought me tickets to Paul McCartney for my birthday. Could it have just been an enjoyable night? Nope. It turned into him accusing me of things again while we stood in line for the concert. The same things I thought we had already gotten passed. I finally had enough and walked right out of the line. He followed me, apologized (for twenty minutes-he doesn't know how to be concise), and we ended up being twenty minutes late for the concert. It's been quiet for a couple of months. Until two days ago. And then it began all over again.
This guy never talks to your face about things that are important. I have experienced and lived through four years of accusational text messages, emails, and letters. Seriously. No matter how many times I told him I wouldn't talk about anything serious if it wasn't face to face, he keeps going back to his old habits. He can't talk about anything serious to my face because he knows that I can defend myself better in an argument if it is face to face (I have been told by two different legal people, including my ex-husband's lawyer, that I would make a great lawyer. I stick to the facts.). In an email or text he thinks he has control. I. Keep. Every. Written. Word. This is to my benefit that he does this. I have it all on record. Then he began contacting old friends, posting his version of my blog on his third Facebook page (where he tagged me, posted blatant lies about our relationship and who I am), tried to contact me on Facetime late last night, threatened me, called me and left angry messages, etc because I refused to respond to his original accusations three days ago.
And the thing about having friends that become your enemies: They have just enough personal information about you that they feel they have ammunition against you. They are bullies. So, suddenly my past becomes fodder to destroy who I am now. Two divorces? Must be my fault. Former boyfriends? They left me. I am the problem. Or, OR, I've just made bad choices, or attracted the wrong people into my life. We attract what we think we deserve. Either way, the past is the past, not the present. This person lives in the past and worries about the future. He never lives in the moment.
In his mind, I've had multiple relationships in the last four years when instead I have had only one, and it was him. Now he publicly claims that we have been dating the entire time since March of 2013 when he moved out. We have not. I have not had a relationship of any kind since March of 2013. My dating experience began a few months ago. When he and I were FRIENDS.
Here is what could have prevented this whole mess from happening, (besides never speaking to him originally. EVER): Four days ago, had he just come to me as a mature adult and told me of his concerns instead of accusing me of things that never happened, this whole mess never would have happened. Had he listened to what I had to say and trusted that I was not lying, this would never have happened. He knew that I would not respond to emails or texts that were serious in nature, yet when I refused to respond, it caused him to escalate into bullying and threats. Then he told me this was all my fault BECAUSE I didn't respond to emails (that he knew I would never respond to anyway). Accusations, arguing, and bullying are not acceptable in ANY relationship, friendship or love.
I have reached a point in my life where I NEED happiness, I NEED fun, I NEED to live stress free, I NEED to love and be loved. Call it self-preservation or whatever. My children are demanding that I discontinue any further contact with this person, and have been demanding it for at least four years, friendship or not. It is all lost. Four years of anger, bullying, accusations, character defamation have all reached the end. It was not enough to love this person, be concerned for their well-being, encourage them, see them for who they COULD be. I could never live up to their expectations of how they felt our relationship SHOULD be. What I could give was never enough. He wanted more. Admittedly obsessed with me, yet I could never be enough. Have I learned my lesson? After four years I believe I finally have.
After said stalker put me through the ringer in June 2013, I decided that it was best to forgive the anxiety they had caused me and let them back into my life. I am a nice person. I don't like enemies and I don't like anyone to be mad at me or view me in a bad light. This person had been in my life for three years prior to the stalking post of June 2013, and having them as a "friend" seemed like an easy thing to do, BUT I never totally trusted this person and always kept them at arm's length. When you've been in an abusive relationship with someone, you never totally trust them. Always waiting for the bomb to drop again. That's what I've been doing for the last year. Just waiting.
The trigger for him this time was really ridiculous. I wasn't spending enough time with him as far as he was concerned. We were FRIENDS. How much time are you supposed to spend with friends? Are you supposed to text them all day every day? If you don't answer a text within at least twenty minutes, does that mean you are ignoring them? Because, heaven forbid you might actually be busy and unable to text back. Are you supposed to see them more than once a week? Are there actual FRIEND RULES? I didn't think there were. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really know how to be a friend. Maybe I've been doing it wrong my entire life. He felt I wasn't initiating text conversations. I wasn't talking to him all day every day. He accused me of lying by omission. (What was I omitting?) He is always happier if he can accuse me of lying. Either way, in his eyes I have violated the terms and conditions of the Friend Rules. Because of this, he has initiated full on bullying and threatening. It began with an email. Then another email. I responded to the first email - why I felt a need to defend myself for something I wasn't even doing, I don't know. Once again, I thought it would do some good. I began to ignore the next two emails because I knew it wouldn't do me any good to respond. When he gets worked up and starts accusing me, I have no defense. Nothing I can say will matter. He won't listen. You cannot reason with a mad dog.
If he senses a change in the force - i.e. I begin to make subtle changes to my life - it must be because I am doing something wrong. Something behind his back. Isn't the point of life to continuously improve who you are? In the last year, I have attended two self-help seminars to do just that. My stalker went to one of those seminars with me. I invited him in an effort to help him be a happier person. Did he learn anything? I'm going to assume that it's a big giant NO. I've lost 12 pounds in the last four months. Must be doing it because I'm seeing someone. Could it be that I was tired of feeling exhausted and unhealthy? When I started posting "selfies" on FB, he asked me who was taking the pictures. Seriously? SELFIE. By the way, he's been blocked on my FB since I labeled him my stalker a year ago. The guy now has THREE FB profiles. When he sent me a message on FB this morning, I discovered the third profile and blocked it also. That was the only way he was able to see my updated profile selfies. He would save them on his phone and text them to me, asking me who took them. Even as I type this, I realize how really stupid it is on my part to even have remained friends with him after the incident last June 2013. What the heck was I thinking?
And it's not like we haven't had small incidents of his temper flare-ups in the last year, or even in the past four years of our relationship, because we have. This is not the first time. He did really well for a while but they started up again a couple of months ago. He began panicking because he realized I might be moving away. THEN what control will be have over my life? I had him house-sit my dog (and my house) while I was home for a family reunion. WHY! Because I needed someone to watch my dog. He and I were friends. I thought I could trust him to do it. WRONG. He went through my drawers. He went through my closet. The day after I got back home, he proceeded to ask me questions about things he had found that he thought were questionable. I had to defend myself, which is ridiculous!! It's MY HOUSE with MY STUFF. I owe no explanation! He wrote me a huge lecturing letter and hid it in my drawer. Then he started sending me text messages asking probing questions. I'd had enough. I made him meet me in a park and I lectured him (like a little kid) until he listened to me and apologized. I thought it was over. Then there was the concert he took me to in August. He bought me tickets to Paul McCartney for my birthday. Could it have just been an enjoyable night? Nope. It turned into him accusing me of things again while we stood in line for the concert. The same things I thought we had already gotten passed. I finally had enough and walked right out of the line. He followed me, apologized (for twenty minutes-he doesn't know how to be concise), and we ended up being twenty minutes late for the concert. It's been quiet for a couple of months. Until two days ago. And then it began all over again.
This guy never talks to your face about things that are important. I have experienced and lived through four years of accusational text messages, emails, and letters. Seriously. No matter how many times I told him I wouldn't talk about anything serious if it wasn't face to face, he keeps going back to his old habits. He can't talk about anything serious to my face because he knows that I can defend myself better in an argument if it is face to face (I have been told by two different legal people, including my ex-husband's lawyer, that I would make a great lawyer. I stick to the facts.). In an email or text he thinks he has control. I. Keep. Every. Written. Word. This is to my benefit that he does this. I have it all on record. Then he began contacting old friends, posting his version of my blog on his third Facebook page (where he tagged me, posted blatant lies about our relationship and who I am), tried to contact me on Facetime late last night, threatened me, called me and left angry messages, etc because I refused to respond to his original accusations three days ago.
And the thing about having friends that become your enemies: They have just enough personal information about you that they feel they have ammunition against you. They are bullies. So, suddenly my past becomes fodder to destroy who I am now. Two divorces? Must be my fault. Former boyfriends? They left me. I am the problem. Or, OR, I've just made bad choices, or attracted the wrong people into my life. We attract what we think we deserve. Either way, the past is the past, not the present. This person lives in the past and worries about the future. He never lives in the moment.
In his mind, I've had multiple relationships in the last four years when instead I have had only one, and it was him. Now he publicly claims that we have been dating the entire time since March of 2013 when he moved out. We have not. I have not had a relationship of any kind since March of 2013. My dating experience began a few months ago. When he and I were FRIENDS.
Here is what could have prevented this whole mess from happening, (besides never speaking to him originally. EVER): Four days ago, had he just come to me as a mature adult and told me of his concerns instead of accusing me of things that never happened, this whole mess never would have happened. Had he listened to what I had to say and trusted that I was not lying, this would never have happened. He knew that I would not respond to emails or texts that were serious in nature, yet when I refused to respond, it caused him to escalate into bullying and threats. Then he told me this was all my fault BECAUSE I didn't respond to emails (that he knew I would never respond to anyway). Accusations, arguing, and bullying are not acceptable in ANY relationship, friendship or love.
I have reached a point in my life where I NEED happiness, I NEED fun, I NEED to live stress free, I NEED to love and be loved. Call it self-preservation or whatever. My children are demanding that I discontinue any further contact with this person, and have been demanding it for at least four years, friendship or not. It is all lost. Four years of anger, bullying, accusations, character defamation have all reached the end. It was not enough to love this person, be concerned for their well-being, encourage them, see them for who they COULD be. I could never live up to their expectations of how they felt our relationship SHOULD be. What I could give was never enough. He wanted more. Admittedly obsessed with me, yet I could never be enough. Have I learned my lesson? After four years I believe I finally have.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Because I have a stalker....
I have had to change my passwords on EVERYTHING. I have had to cancel my debit cards. I have had to block. I have had to buy a taser (actually, my daughter bought me one). I have had to buy mace. I will probably have to cancel my email address (that I've had for years) and change to a new one. I've had to lock all my windows when normally I would leave them open on a hot summer night (and day). I can't take my dog for 10pm runs. I check around corners when I'm about to unlock my front door. I am paranoid. I have had to spend two days in a police station and the courthouse. I got 4 days behind in my homework. I don't enjoy life. I worry that my car will get keyed or the tires cut. I sit low in my lounge chair on the back deck so I can't be seen above the railing by passers-by.
So much for being "Fearless Over 50" but I am trying. I think I changed the name of my blog because I wanted to remind myself that I will be...fearless. I think I'm going to get a tattoo that says "Fearless", right on my arm, to remind me when I get afraid. I am afraid now.
I dread dating because I have come to realize that I have a pattern. I choose abusers. Whether they are obvious (the recent one) or subtle (my ex-husband).
I have to have therapy. I was told by the victim's advocate that I have PTSD. I will be single for a really long time.
But I have my children. And my wonderful grandson. They make me feel loved and cherished and really funny. Not that I feel funny, but they help me feel like I can make people laugh. My youngest has become my protector-ish. (He still needs to be reminded to lock the front door) And my oldest, who has never been that involved in my personal life (I don't blame him!), is now getting involved in even little things like telling me how to block someone. My daughter has rescued me so many times in the last two weeks just by being here to be my guardian. She is tougher than I. She continues to remind me that this is not my fault.
But I am still afraid. I am afraid I will let my guard down and there he'll be. 9 months and I can move away. Stuck with a stupid apartment lease that won't let me leave. Somewhere with beaches and palm trees and peace.
Thinking about this always makes me sick to my stomach so I think I will stop for now.
So much for being "Fearless Over 50" but I am trying. I think I changed the name of my blog because I wanted to remind myself that I will be...fearless. I think I'm going to get a tattoo that says "Fearless", right on my arm, to remind me when I get afraid. I am afraid now.
I dread dating because I have come to realize that I have a pattern. I choose abusers. Whether they are obvious (the recent one) or subtle (my ex-husband).
I have to have therapy. I was told by the victim's advocate that I have PTSD. I will be single for a really long time.
But I have my children. And my wonderful grandson. They make me feel loved and cherished and really funny. Not that I feel funny, but they help me feel like I can make people laugh. My youngest has become my protector-ish. (He still needs to be reminded to lock the front door) And my oldest, who has never been that involved in my personal life (I don't blame him!), is now getting involved in even little things like telling me how to block someone. My daughter has rescued me so many times in the last two weeks just by being here to be my guardian. She is tougher than I. She continues to remind me that this is not my fault.
But I am still afraid. I am afraid I will let my guard down and there he'll be. 9 months and I can move away. Stuck with a stupid apartment lease that won't let me leave. Somewhere with beaches and palm trees and peace.
Thinking about this always makes me sick to my stomach so I think I will stop for now.
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