Forgive Myself?

     Talking to my "life coach" (I always put it in quotations because I kind of think it's a silly name. Isn't it more like inexpensive therapist?) the other day and I thought I was doing well going through the whole apology letters to people I felt have caused me to be angry today. I wrote those letters and I was feeling pretty good about myself. He was right. It was a huge release to do it. 
     So, when I met up with him (after he'd printed out and read the letters), I was feeling good. I wasn't feeling emotional. We met in the middle of his restaurant prior to the opening. No problem. Just a casual chat about what I'd written. Somewhere in there, the tables turned. I'm not sure what happened but suddenly I was crying. In the middle of a restaurant. That had opened. Swell. 
     Like I said, I'm not even sure where it started. I know I was already upset (internally) because of a couple things I'll touch on later. Somehow we got on the subject (that I was upset about) and then I was gone. 
     Okay, fine. I'll just tell you now. It would make more sense if I do, right? When I was twenty, I got married. I'm pretty sure I've told this story before. Anyway, I got married, had two kids, and got divorced all in about 6 years. Here's what happens when you get divorced when you have little kids. It becomes a game of visitation. It's bad enough when your kids are little (which is why I'm a huge advocate for not getting divorced, especially when your kids are little), but then they grow up, get married, and have kids of their own. And the visitation competition continues.
     It's not bad if your adult child lives out of town. It IS bad if you don't have money to fly out and visit all of the time (or more than once a year). It becomes worse when they come to town and they have to split their time between you and your former spouse. 
     And grandchild birthdays. My grandson turns two this year, right after Christmas. I don't have a lot of family living here in town. Just me and my sons. No reason to have a big birthday party. Nobody to invite. My ex and his wife, on the other hand, have tons of family to invite. Am I jealous? Of course. It's probably dumb. My grandson has no idea that a big birthday is important because it's not. It's not at all. And it's dumb for me to be jealous or upset or whatever. That cute little kid won't care. It's a cake and balloons and a ton of people singing Happy Birthday. And he won't have any idea what it all means. He's 2. 
     Look what talking it out with all of you has done for me. I'll throw that cute kid a party for just me and my sons and whomever shows up. We'll have cake and ice cream and presents and it will just be a celebration. And it doesn't even have to be on his birthday. Because he's 2 and he won't know the difference. That's awesome. I'm good now. Moving on.
     So, because that day I was upset about this particular issue, it brought up regrets. Regrets are a bag of crap that you drag around you like a horrible weight and they don't matter because they are in the past. Yes, I get that. I told my life coach I hang onto my "regrets" because they remind me to not do it again. Right? Isn't that what they do? Well, no. I really don't think they do. Have I learned enough from past mistakes to never do them again? Nope. I can say that I have not. Sadly, I have not. Why? Shoot. I don't know. I'm dumb. I'm human. Bad judgment. It's all dumb. 
     And this is when he told me I had to forgive myself. FORGIVE MYSELF? Are you serious? Yes, your 20 year old self (20-25) was young and she made mistakes. Forgive her. And that was the final blow. Why can't I forgive her? She made a buttload of mistakes (yes. A buttload). She left her two little boys behind to go after what SHE wanted. Would she have done it when she was older? No, she would not have. She got remarried when she was 27 and had two more kids. And she could never imagine leaving her kids behind. She would not have done at 27 what she did when she was 23 or 24 or 25. Sadly, two to four years made that much of a difference. 
     SO, why was she so dumb at that age? Why did she make those mistakes? I look at my children. My daughter is 23, the year I made my first HUGE life changing error. She's making her own choices, and a lot of them I don't agree with. BUT, do I hold a grudge against her? Nope. Not a one. I have talked to her about paying attention to my past mistakes and learn from them but she wants to live her life, experience what she is going to experience, and make her own mistakes. And there is nothing I can do about it. She will learn on her own. Should she know better? Of course. She's not dumb. She's young.
     My youngest is 21. He's a funny kid. He has made many mistakes and I just shake my head. Do I hold a grudge against him? Nope. He's young. He won't always make these mistakes. He'll grow up and he'll learn and chances are he won't make the same mistakes when he's older. 
     My mom doesn't hold my past mistakes against me even though I screwed up more than once. She just kept loving me. I KNOW I hurt her many times over. I know she was worried about me. I know she was disappointed in me. But she's still here. She still loves me. She has thanked me for being me. Do I think she'd do that if she was ashamed of me? Nope. 
     SO, the magic question is "Why do I continue to feel ashamed of the girl I was 30 years ago?" You tell me. It's dumb, right? 
     That young girl made me who I am today. She was funny, cute, sweet, loving, kind, and slightly messed up. But I DID in fact learn from it. There are many things I don't do now that I did then. I am kinder, more loving, honest, more thoughtful, more sweet, (still cute), selfless, and I've turned into a caregiver because of her. She was self-centered. I am not. (atleast I hope I'm not). She walked away from her children when they needed her. I would never do that. Just ask my kids. 
     She just did what she knew to do. She was young. She was dumb. She was probably lost. She was undoubtedly REALLY lost. Poor thing. 
     What would I tell her if I could have met her and talked to her? 
    

   Everything is going to be awesome. 

     Four gorgeous kids, an adorable little grandson who will crack you up all the time. Life will be incredible. You'll get to travel, and live in five different states, and spend time with family, and go to college for Heaven's sake! And paint, and teach, and meet lots of really wonderful people. And make lots of really great friends. And you'll love. Love A LOT. And you will eventually find forever love. I haven't yet, of course. Not forever love. But eventually you will. I will. Your heart will be broken many times. You will cry a lot. You'll be sad. There will be loss. But you will become a survivor. All of this crap you go through will make you stronger. Make you more loving. You will make a difference in someone's life. And your children will love you. 
     And I would hug her for a really long time and we would cry together because we understand eachother, and what we have gone through and what we will go through. Then we'd laugh because we'd be all embarrassed over the fact that we were crying. 
     And then we'd sit down, crack open a Diet Coke and some peanut M&Ms and I'd tell her about her children. And her grandson. It would be amazing. 
     SO, have I forgiven my twenty-something year old self? 

                                   Yes, I have. 

Epiphany

     I started "seeing" a life coach last week. It was just one of those random moments when you are talking to someone you've known for over a year, assuming you know them pretty well, and then discovering something about them you never even guessed. One of my (what I thought) dear friends and I were chatting online one day and he started to ask me how I was doing. It was one of those low days I've had lately and I couldn't hide my mood. That's when he told me he wanted to help me. Suddenly he's telling me that he's a life coach and he has been for almost ten years. I had no idea. This guy owns my favorite pizza place (authentic Italian, no less) and dabbles in several different businesses. I never thought this was one of them. Next thing I know, I have an appointment with him that afternoon. 

     It's awkward to sit down with a friend and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets and fears, especially in person. I know. If they are really your friend, it isn't awkward. So, I guess he wasn't my "friend." He was someone I admired, loved and liked to be around but I never showed him my "real self." I showed him my happy self, the one most people actually see. He never heard about my vulnerable side. I never let him see that. I let very few people see that. I don't like whining and I don't like talking about my problems (even though I really don't have any problems). You understand, right? This blog, right here, is where I put my thoughts, my hurts, my dreams. Everything. I share it with you, dear strangers because I do not fear your judgment, and you are not going to tell me to snap out of it, right? You just read and move on. 

     Not this guy. I thought he'd be more gentle in his approach to me exposing myself. Instead he has become one of those people that just doesn't put up with my crap. I love those people. They make me think.

     So, my first week in a five week plan is to write letters to those I feel have hurt me in some way. 

And apologize. 

Wait. 

You want me to what, exactly? 

      Apologize.  

     Apologize for expecting them to be more than they were. Expecting my dad to be the 60s/70s TV dad I always wanted. Expecting my ex-husband to be a great father, be honest, and want me more than he wanted pornography. Expecting my ex-boyfriend to control his temper. 

     I cannot expect people to be someone more than they actually are. Wow.

     Apologizing to them releases their bond over me and stops me from being the "victim." Playing the victim card.
Blaming them for who I am, or how I feel about myself today. 

Easier said than done.

Or is it?

     So, the other night when I couldn't sleep, I wrote a letter to my dad. Just on my phone. In the dark. While my mom slept in the other bed in our hotel room. I told him that I knew that he had always loved me, I knew that no matter what words he used to upset me, not matter how he treated me when I was growing up, I always knew that he loved me. And I knew that Heavenly Father loved me, so it shouldn't make any difference what words my father used, I should have always known otherwise. I should have always known. 

So, why didn't  I? 

     I chose to listen to what was being said to me. I interpreted what my dad was telling me as "I don't love you," or "You are unloveable." He never said those words. Not in my entire life. He never told me that I was stupid, or ugly, or fat, or unloved. He may have said things in anger, or even just without thinking, but he never said anything I should have interpreted as being unloved. 

    I keep a lot of motivational (feel good) thoughts that I find on the internet, or they just happen to wend their way through my Facebook page. I save them for later use, share them with my friends, or I think they might inspire me later. Yesterday, when I was struggling with "apologizing" to those who hurt me, I came across this:

Number 4 is the one that hit me. 

"4. Where did we get the idea that if we don't forgive people, they suffer?"

Exactly.

Where did we ever get that idea?
How does holding a grudge against someone hurt THEIR feelings? 
And then I felt peace. Seriously. 
A really calm feeling came over me. 
The calm feeling I get when Heavenly Father speaks to me and tells me that whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm thinking, is right.

    And I "got" it. 

     The rest of "Happiness in a Nutshell" is also great and something I want/need to remember. It's all true. 

     I think I passed the test for week number 1 of my 5 week lesson on loving/healing myself. I have a feeling it's only going to get harder as the weeks go on. It may take me 5 days every week to actually understand what my life coach is trying to teach me, but 5 days is better than continuing to beat myself up over something that never actually happened. 

     It's okay. I got this.







    

Attraversiamo

 


One of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. I've always felt a connection with her books. She sometimes writes as though she is in my head, and sometimes she says exactly what I need to hear. This was one of those days (I stole it off of Facebook).

Word of the day...

Oops, I mean: WORD OF THE LIFETIME.

Dear Ones,

A sweet reader named Jackie painted this for me, gave it to me the other night at my event in Cleveland. I love it and I will keep it always.

Readers of EAT PRAY LOVE will remember this as the last word in the book. Italian for "let's cross over" — the most elegant way I can imagine to remind myself to let it go, to put it all behind you, to face the future rather than dwelling in the past, to stand up and try again.

Another way to say it, I just realized, could be: ONWARD — my other favorite word.

Today, let's share some stories of crossing over.

I will start with one from me. Lately I've been really showing up for my work on processing forgiveness. Much of this is inspired by having met Iyanla Vanzant, whose e-course on forgiveness I've been taking all month. 

I had no idea how much work I had to do on this subject, y'all. I mean, I knew I had some garbage in my heart and mind, but I hadn't realized just how MUCH resentment I was carrying around still. As I've done my work on this, I've discovered that what lurks at the very deepest bottom of all my old resentments is usually nothing but a pile of my own shame. (Shame for my own failed relationships, shame for having been stupid or a sucker, shame for my own inadequacies and mediocrity, shame for not having handled things better, shame for still holding on to ancient anger, etc.) 

And instead of trying to force all of those negative feelings out of me (I've never had any luck forcing negative feelings out of me...How 'bout you?)I've been making all kinds of interior space to allow those feelings to be revealed, to give them space to breathe, to accept them as human, and to forgive myself for all my own perceived faults and shortcomings. 

In other words, all my work on forgiving others has unexpectedly turned into a giant exercise of self-empathy. 

Which has, by accidental extension, turned into an exercise in feeling greater empathy for everybody else, as well...stuck as we all are in these crazy-town human minds. 

Which has, ultimately, led to a great and sudden diminishing of old resentments.

Which does, in fact, feel like crossing over.

So that's been nice. (TO SAY THE LEAST.) And I'm grateful. Because, like you, all I ever want is to be more free.

So what about you?

How have you been crossing over lately? Let's share some stories of liberation and its rewards.

And, of course, ATTRAVERSIAMO!
LG

Unlike

Random Things That Make Me Happy

     I remember years ago reading someone's list of "100 things that make me happy" and trying to write my own. It was impossible. I could barely think of twenty. Last night at almost 2AM, I decided to write down things that make me happy, just because I was thinking about them, and I thought it would be another short list. It wasn't. It was really long and just kept pouring out of my head. When I woke up this morning at 6AM, I found that I had even more to add. And I keep adding to it!

     I think I must be happier in my life now than I was years ago when I tried to compile the list originally. I know I was unhappy in my marriage at the time but I still thought I was a happy person. Imagine my surprise now when my list was so easy to write and so easy to add to. This is a time in my life where I think I am at a pretty low point yet I could think of so many things that make me happy. And I could easily add more to the list even as I type this now. Is it because as I have gotten older that I pay more attention to the little things, the every day mundane experiences, than I ever have before? 

What is on your list? I challenge you to write a list of 100+ 

things that make you happy. If your list comes up short, find 

out why. Life is too short to not notice 

                          Every. Beautiful. Moment.  

                      Things that make me happy. 

                       (in no particular order, I swear)

Children's laughter 

A baby's smile 

Hugs

Smell of lavender

Puppy breath 

Sunshine on my face 

Flirting

Singing to the radio 

Sitting on a beach with my toes in the sand 

Going on a cruise

Love

Baby animals 

My children laughing together 

My grandson 

Belly laughs with my friends 

The smell of garlic

Great food

Italy

Sound of waves

Swimming

Roses

Great movies

Hard rain 

Great music 

Singing in my car

Driving fast

Road trips

Disney anything

Holding hands 

Ice cream 

Chocolate 

Being with my kids 

Girl talk

Back massages 

Love notes

A man who can dance 

Pedicures

Smell of leather 

New shoes

Nordstrom's shoe department

Fitting into skinny jeans 

Colored contacts

Dressing up 

Kissing someone I love

Cuddling 

Raspberries 

Comic con

Dancing 

Nature

Silence

Cicadas 

Steak

Sushi

Diet coke

Lemonade 

Palm trees

Crack of a metal bat that announces spring time

Wind chimes 

Birds singing 

Laying in a park in the sunshine 

Watching the stars at night

Thunder and lightening storms 

Power outages

Candlelight 

Deep conversations 

Making love

Sightseeing

Adventures

Getting lost

Epiphanies

Someone who "gets" me

The smell of clean skin

Smell of babies

Being pregnant

Being a mom

Shopping

Spending time with my mom

Skype

Cheese

Kisses on the back of my neck 

Jazz music 

Dentist cleaning 

Cleaning the kitchen 

Reading a good book 

Making someone smile

A child's wave

Being warm in the winter 

When someone says "Me too!"

Christmas lights in the dark

Christmas music

Having money in the bank 

Hotels 

Doing anything with my kids

The "sound" of silence during a snow storm

Feeling healthy 

My bed

Naps

Sincere people

Great sarcasm

Feeling loved

New friends

Old friends 

Green grass

New car smell 

Playing footsie

Spooning 

"Making out"

Connecting deeply with someone

Barbra Streisand songs

My old wedding ring 

Encouraging words

Life coaches

Being in love

Cooking

Earth tones

Painting

Crafts

Gardening

Accomplishments

Singing hymns in church

Planning a trip

Flying somewhere 

Fresh fruit and vegetables

New place to live 

New beginnings

Knowing my children are happy

Weddings 

Art 

Architecture 

Big cities

Small towns

Ferry rides 

Riding a horse

Rivers and streams 

Eastern Tennessee

Florida

San Diego beaches

Rome 

Italian accents

Some men's cologne 

Beards and goatees (but only on men)

Great hair

Grey or white hair on men

Curly hair

Beautiful eyes 

Beautiful  smiles

Empty house and silence

  

Playing cards

Happy people

The zoo

Roller coasters

Clean sheets and a freshly made bed 

The smell of the dryer running

Nice people

Online shopping 

Shopping for other people

Chocolate cake

Seafood

Feeling beautiful

Feeling loved 

Service for others

Cheap gas

Socks

Musicals 

Anticipation of a first kiss

Old movies

Feeling inspired

Babies sleeping

Old Saturday morning cartoons

Selflessness

Old couples holding hands

My dad's smile and laugh

Compliments

Italian food

New "toys" (electronics)

Fresh air

Rental cars

Warms blankets on a cold day

Fire crackling in a fireplace

Campfire

Bacon

Camping breakfast

Smell of coffee

Starbucks

I Mourn

I Mourn

I mourn the loss of my children
with their independence 
and adulthood.
I mourn the loss of their childhood
 and how quickly it passed.
I mourn the loss of their innocence,
and the life experiences they must now have.
I mourn the loss of their need for me.

I mourn for the loss of love 
that was supposed to be forever.
I mourn the loss of love that used to be mine.
I mourn for the heart that now feels empty.
I mourn for a love that is forever gone
Never to return.

I mourn the friend that helped me smile
and brought me comfort when I was sick.
I mourn the time that is lost 
that we spent together
and movies, and dinner, and just being.
No more will they exist 
In an effort to save myself.

I mourn something I thought might be;
love, and laughs, and deep conversation.
I mourn the loss of endless possibilities.
I mourn the loss of future 
deep thoughts, 
and laughs 
and conversations.
I mourn the lost unknown.
What might have been.
And wonder,
why not

I mourn the loss of my home,
wherever that may be.
That feeling is lost 
with no sense of a home in sight.
I mourn for the loss of a sense of purpose.
A reason why I exist.
A future not seen.
No one has need for my heart, 
my love, my care.
A purposeless existence.

Do I Feel That I Am Unworthy?

This article was waaaaay too close for me. It touched on so many things that I am going thru/feeling right now. I feel like I need to tattoo this on my forehead to truly embed it in my head so I can just move forward in my life. 

The One Thing That's Keeping You from the Life You Want

The author of The Seat of the Soul and co-founder of the Seat of the Soul Institute explains how unworthiness keeps us from our happiness.

By Gary Zukav

What is unworthiness? It's the experience of having parts of your personality say, "I'm not worthy." For example, they might say, "I am unworthy of the love that I have in my life, or the wealth that I have." More commonly, they might say, "I am unworthy of the happiness that I feel." Thoughts such as "It's too good to be true," and "This can't last forever because it is too good" are experiences of unworthiness. You feel unworthy of what the universe has given you, you feel that you do not deserve it, that the other shoe will fall, and it is only a matter of time before you will get what you really deserve, which will be painful. 


Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving. It is the feeling that no matter what you do, it is not enough and that you are incurably inadequate, intrinsically and permanently flawed. It is the fear of people seeing you as you really are and the belief that if they did, they would not want anything to do with you. 


Beneath all of this is the experience of powerlessness—of feeling powerless to be a real part of life, to love, to be loved, to affect the world, to be heard, to be worth hearing or to have something worth saying. It is self-loathing, self-hatred. The pain of powerlessness is excruciating. It is the most painful experience in the earth school, and everyone shares it. 


Until recently, the pain of powerlessness has driven our evolution. It has caused us to reach outward continually, relentlessly, to change the world around us. Pursuing external power—the ability to manipulate and control—has been our way of avoiding the pain of powerlessness. Anything that we do to make ourselves feel worthy and safe is a flight from the pain of powerlessness. Every pursuit of external power—every attempt to change the world or a person in order to make yourself feel valuable and safe—is a distraction from the pain of powerlessness. All the distractions in the world cannot uproot the pain of powerlessness inside you. 


Our history is a chronicle of the ways that we have attempted to escape from the pain of powerlessness, or said another way, the ways that we have pursued external power. Tribes fight tribes, siblings fight siblings, nations invade nations, individuals strive to become stronger than one another, or more seductive, educated, wealthy or famous. The list is as long as it is familiar. 


The pursuit of external power surrounds us everywhere. We are continually attempting to mask the pain of powerlessness from ourselves, and others are continually doing the same. Driving every avaricious banker, sexual predator, workaholic, perfectionist and all attempts to exploit anything or anyone is fear of the pain of powerlessness and the need to escape it. 


Our perception is now expanding beyond the five senses. We are becoming able to see the pursuit of external power for what it is and the futility of trying to escape the pain of powerlessness by changing the world. When we look inward, not outward, we can dismantle the parts of our personalities that have controlled us for so long—such as anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, superiority, inferiority. We realize we need to change ourselves instead of the world in order to liberate ourselves once and for always from the tormenting experiences of unworthiness. 

Spiritual partners help one another recognize when a frightened part of the personality is active. They can alert you when you're striving to mask the pain of powerless, for example, by becoming angry, jealous or a victim. When you are not aware that a frightened part of your personality is active, you forget that all is perfect. You forget to relax and enjoy yourself. You become serious, concerned and overwhelmed. But if you were able to say, "I am doing it again! A part of my personality is feeling like the most unworthy person in the universe," then you could all laugh at this. 


The pain of powerlessness is still driving our evolution, but in a different way. Instead of reaching outward to change the world in order to avoid it, we must look inward to experience it, to change ourselves, to create authentic power, and act on the healthiest parts our personality that we can access in the moment. For example, we choose to act with patience when we are angry, or to act with appreciation when we are judging. 


This is a very big change. It is a change in the way that humanity is evolving. Our evolution now requires us to experience consciously all the painful impulses that have created all the painful consequences in our lives and then choose consciously to act instead from the healthiest, most wholesome parts of our personalities that we can access in the moment. 


Each time we do this, we create authentic power. When we create authentic power again and again, we become authentically powerful. Each experience of unworthiness reminds us, if we let it, that now is the time to create authentic power. 


To learn more about worthiness, visit SeatoftheSoul.com and read The Seat of the Soul. You can send questions to Gary Zukav at gary@seatofthesoul.com, and he will answer as many as he can on his website.