I was trying, for the past two days, to figure out what my tutorial should be on. I teach painting classes but I didn't really want to explain how to paint (it's just easier with people in front of me and I don't do well making videos). I thought about explaining what I do to help myself be happier throughout the day but I didn't feel any inspiration when I tried to write it. Doesn't mean I don't know how to explain it, just wasn't inspired. Then this morning as I sat on my porch, drinking my morning caffeine and perusing the last two dating sites I have stayed on, it hit me: What not to post on a dating site!
If you've read any of my other posts on my blog, you read about my shoe shopping analogy. Dating is like shopping for shoes: You are looking for the perfect shoes that you want to wear for a really long time, if not forever. Two of the sites I've remained on, Zoosk and POF (after the original four), have a process of elimination. You "flip" through profile pictures to find your perfect "match." Mind you, you're only seeing their picture, not their profile so you are basing your interest off of their looks. Swipe left, nope. You don't want to ever see their face again. Swipe right, you do and you hope they also swipe your face right. If they do, you have a match...and then you hope said match contacts you. Someday. One match contacted me after we were mutually matched to let me know that while he liked my pictures, after reading my profile he didn't think we were a match at all. He's still looking at my pictures. One guy keeps looking at my pictures but not talking to me. He looks several times a day (ew!) so I finally contacted him and asked him if he was bored, hoping that would spark some sort of conversation. Nope, he wrote back and said he just liked my looks (double ew!) so I blocked him. Buh-bye. I already have a stalker. I don't need another.
SO, if you want to be more successful on a dating site, here are my tips:
Start with really great pictures!!!
Most importantly, SMILE. This is your very first impression. It tells the datee (yes, I meant "datee") that you are a happy person (even if you aren't happy all of the time, it gives the impression that you are). People want to find a happy person. You can also see it in their eyes. Real smiles are right up into the eyes. They help create those really awesome smile lines that people mistakenly call "crows feet." We earned those lines with every happy moment in our lives. Flaunt them! If not one of your pictures is a smiling picture, that scares me a little. Coming from someone who dated an abuser, I need to at least THINK you smile once in awhile. It also shows me your teeth. Do you have any? Show me those pearly whites.
Flaunt your best features. Not THOSE features. Seriously, if your best features should be kept in your pants, I'm not interested. You really have to catch my attention at eye level before I ever think of anything below that. Besides, I'm talking about your eyes and your smile. I am attracted to both. I'm looking at those two things before I look to see how tall you are or your weight. If you are wearing sunglasses, I'm going to slide you left or hit that big ol' NO button. Not smiling, same swipe.
Let's see your face. If your main profile picture doesn't show your face at all, I'm not even considering you. When you choose your profile picture, make sure it lines up correctly in the little square so you don't cut off the lower half of your face. Remember, this is the first impression you are giving people so make it a good one. If all I see is the top of your head, I know you have a great head of hair, or the lack thereof. Most cases I don't care if you're bald but I have to see your eyes and your smile too. Don't post a picture of someone famous. Makes no sense. (Yes, I've seen two profile pictures that were either John Wayne or Norman from Psycho. I'm not dating him)
Do not be scary! If your picture looks like a mug shot the FBI hangs in the post office, you are definitely being swiped left. Big giant nope. I've seen some pretty scary profile pictures. Generally they have a white brick wall behind them, and a scowl on their face. Most of the time they are staring straight at the camera...as though they are staring into your soul. SCARY! I'd post some of the pictures here to illustrate but that would just be mean. I think you get the idea. If not, just go on Google and search for FBI mug shots.
Are you ready for your close-up? If your face is so far away that I cannot even make out that you have a nose, swiped left, NO hit. Once again, the point is for the woman or man you are trying to attract to be able to see you...or they won't know if they are attracted to you. Yes, it gives them a full body shot but you have no face. Save the far away, full body shot for one of your other pictures. Remember, this is your profile picture. The one they see when they are first cruising through the profiles. Tinder is the one site you definitely want to have a good profile picture for. That's the biggest one for "shoe shopping." A great profile picture will intrigue them. They'll want to see more and might actually read your profile.
Face forward. "Profile picture" does not actually mean a picture of your profile. I would like to see the front of your face, not the left or right side by itself, even if your left side IS your best side. Swiped left. And please, posting a picture of you flexing your shirtless muscles won't do it for me either. Let me be surprised.
Take a solo selfie. Picture of you with your friends: Which one is actually you? What if I like your friend better than you? That would be embarrassing. I can see the first meeting now: "Wait, I thought you were the tall, blonde one..." Make sure your profile picture is just you. It makes it less confusing.
Post current pictures. Are you posting a picture from your youth? The obvious sign is that you are wearing bell bottoms and boasting an afro. Unless you are trying to bring back the fashion, I'm going to know that your picture is not current. High school senior pictures should be saved for later. You can bring out the old pictures on date number four. She'll get a kick out of it. But right now, we want to see pictures that have been taken of you in the last few months. A lot can change in a year. You may have gained or lost a ton of weight, gotten a hair cut, shaved your face (if you are a man, especially), lost a limb, etc. You get the point. If I am attracted to a picture of a guy from last year and then I meet him and he's significantly different than the guy I thought I was meeting, chances are I will either be pleasantly surprised or there will be no date number 2. Yes, I'm still judging my attraction by your looks, not your personality. I'll decide on the personality after I meet you.
Post pictures without a hat on. Yes, I know you look great in a hat. Baseball hat, beret, etc. And I love when a guy looks great in a hat BUT what do you look like when the hat comes off? What are you hiding under that hat? One guy I chatted with is wearing a hat in every picture. They are GREAT hats (he has massive eyebrows though) but I would like to see him without a hat. Did I go out with him? Nope. Never met him in person. The guy was just creepy in the chats with or without the hat. We never got past messaging back and forth. He was definitely looking for more than my charming personality.
Park the automobile in the garage, not in your profile. Picture of your car? Is your car your best feature? Do you really want to attract someone that will contact you because your car is your profile picture? If you're a great guy, I don't care what you drive. Same thing if you show a picture of a motorcycle, a horse, or your dog.
And post a lot of pictures. Once you get that amazing, smiling profile picture done, take a few more. Find pictures that your kids took of you, or your friends, or your family. I know it's uncomfortable but weed through them and find the best ones. Then post them all. And change them once in awhile. Let viewers see different shots of you. Plus, by changing your pictures, people who have looked at you before might think they've never seen you before. Everyone loves fresh.
Smile naturally. A smile that looks like someone told you to say "cheese" is not natural. Are you laughing? That shows me you like to have fun. Cheesy smile? You're trying too hard. It's not pretty. Relax your smile. Practice in the mirror. Take a million selfies until you get it right. Think of something that makes you happy...and smile. That's the one.
Now For Your Profile
Most of all, keep it positive!! Nobody wants to hear bad news. Tell your future matches the great things about your life. Your kids, your job, your extracurricular activities. Be excited about your life. Leave out the bad stuff. Don't mention your ex-spouse. Don't talk about how you lost your job, how your kids hate you...just keep it positive. Think of it as your resume'. You want to put your best face forward. What makes you happy? Think sunshine and lemonade. Write that down!
What are your personality traits? What do you like to do to relax? Mountain biking, hiking, photography, listening to great music? Put that in there. Are you adventurous? A night owl? An early riser? Love to travel? Write it all down. Are you loud, quiet, hyper, calm, a party animal, or a homebody? The more information, the better. This tells your match if there actually IS a match. I met someone recently that had listed off certain personality traits that he had, letting me know without a doubt who he was. I felt like I matched several if not all of them so I contacted him. We had a 2 1/2 hour date. The jury is still out. (But I really like him)
Check for typos!! I don't know about you but I have a tendency to spell-check things that I'm reading. I don't mean to, it just happens. So if I notice that the person I'm interested in misspells many a word, I'm going to keep looking. I'm not a spelling snob, I just appreciate educated people. You don't have to have a degree. Just know the difference between loose and lose, and there, their, and they're. Please don't use texting jargon when you are writing your profile. "Ur?" "B?" *shudder* Spell out the words, please.
Be honest! Now personally, I think that's just a given. Don't tell us that you are adventurous when we will eventually find out that adventure for you is sitting at home watching Walking Dead. When you finally meet your match and start talking about your adventurous attitude, what experiences will you be able to tell them? Be honest about your height and weight: Don't say you are 6'1" when you're really 5'10". It makes a huge difference to the girl who is 5'8". Few extra pounds? Compared to what? Few actually means three. So, if you weigh 260 and you're less than 6' tall, is that really just a few extra pounds? I guess it depends on if it's muscle weight or just plain "one too many drive-thru's".
Be safe! Remember, you're not going to fall in love with the first date you have. If you do, congratulations!!! I envy you. Otherwise, date a lot of different people. It doesn't make you a serial dater. It makes you smart. Talk to them online a little bit before you even hand out your phone number. Meet in a public place preferably during the day. Try coffee in a busy little cafe'. Get to know someone before you jump into a relationship with them. Go out with them a few times. You never truly know someone until you spend 24 hours with them...a few times. Watch for warning signs. How do they treat a server in a restaurant? Road rage much? Just pay attention to the subtle details. And how do they talk to you online before you even meet them? Is there a hint that all they are looking for is a booty call? I guess if that's what you are looking for, you've gotten yourself an easy hook-up. Do they start making inappropriate comments during chat that makes you nervous? Listen to your instincts. And run away.
Have fun with it! I find that the more entertaining the profile write-up is, the more I want to meet the writer. Boring profile says boring date. Don't be too wordy. Be concise. You might lose the reader if you say too much. Cut to the chase. Tell just enough to get them interested. Save the details for chatting later. Just have a great time and don't take yourself too seriously. Everyone wants to have fun. Happy people attract happy people. Be happy!!
