Does Dating Need to be THAT Complicated? (or Why I'm Taking A Break) (...and yes, I'm rambling again)

     

     Seriously. Does dating need to be that hard? Shouldn't it just be effortless? I know marriage and relationships can be tricky but should it start out that way when you first start talking to someone? I really don't think so. 

    I like witty banter as much as the next person. I practice it every time I work at the hotel. Some people get it, some don't. And that's okay! But, in relationships and dating (or vice versa) I'm looking for someone that GETS it. GETS ME. And that is hard to find. Really. It is. There are a lot of people like me, and most of my friends are exactly like me when it comes to having sarcasm just roll off of the tongue naturally, like a second language. In fact, I tell people that I speak sarcasm as a second language, and those that understand it are thrilled to find someone else who does also. People like us are hard to find. We come from our own little island. We enjoy life. We laugh at our own jokes. We find ourselves extremely funny. And we are really disappointed when we talk to someone and they don't see the humor in whatever we said.

    The other night I was particularly snarky at work. Luckily, everyone else I worked with was feeling the exact same way. Maybe it was something in the air, or maybe it was our negative (yet extremely humorous) attitude was being piped in thru the air conditioning vent above our heads and spreading to everyone at the front desk. Either way, it was really a fun night to be working at the Marriott. We all spoke the same language. Sometimes the guest we checked in or spoke to was speaking it also. Those that weren't came under our scrutiny after they walked away. We have our own little island of Sarcasmics and if you don't speak the language, you aren't allowed off of the boat onto the dock. 

      The reason I bring this up, and remember I always have a point, is a conversation I had the other night with a prospective date. I've never met the guy in person. We have only ever chatted on a dating site and then it moved to texting. He lives in another state so the chances of us ever actually meeting in person are pretty slim. 

      I got home from work the other night and he began texting me, asking how work was. I had gotten off work early and I was ready to call it a night. He decided he "wanted to hear my voice." We had been texting. I really don't like talking on the phone. Too many variables. In texting you can just stop texting and then say you fell asleep, or your phone died, or you had something you had to do. In talking on the phone, you are pretty trapped. PLUS, when you text, you can get other stuff done at the same time because that person isn't expecting you to respond immediately after they ask you a question. It's a sad state of affairs, where our communication has gone, but I prefer to just text. Sometimes I don't have time to actually talk. It means sitting down and focusing only on the conversation. Multi-tasking is really hard to do when you are trying to carry on a conversation. 

     Aaaaaanyway, he called. 10pm. He called. Ugh. I was tired. It had been a really long day. I just wanted to settle down with a good e-book or phone game and fall asleep. We'd been texting. He knew I was there. I couldn't NOT answer. I had to. SIX HOURS LATER....you get the picture. We talked for six hours. Seriously. Now, that should say something right? Who talks to a complete stranger for six hours? I guess I do. Once again, this is what dating is about: Getting to know someone. Deciding if you want to keep "wearing those shoes." This is where my complaint about dating being so complicated comes in. He didn't always GET me. Throughout the six hours of chatting, he didn't always speak the same language I did.

     I'm not a fan of texting or emailing sarcasm. You need the tone of voice, right? You need to HEAR the sarcasm dripping off of the tongue. It gets lost in translation in the written word unless the person you're talking (texting, writing) to speaks the same language, then it's hysterical. RIGHT? I guess not. He spoke sarcasm. He didn't understand it though. There is a difference. You can speak Italian (or Spanish or Chinese or whatever foreign language you like to think you can speak). You know a few words so you know when to ask for the bathroom, or say hello and goodbye, or when you need them to bring you the check after a meal. But if an Italian suddenly decides to carry on a conversation with you in full-blown Italian, you can get lost. You can take it wrong. Phone call guy got lost. He sometimes took what I said wrong. I spent so much time explaining what I was saying. "No, I didn't mean that." No, I wasn't serious." "No, I wasn't saying you were boring. I was kidding. If I really thought you were boring, I wouldn't have said anything at all." Oh. My. Gosh. So exhausting. 

     And he was a self-admitted Type A personality. I know I'm not. Not even close. I sometimes have control issues. I've been told I would have made a great lawyer even. But, for the most part I am a follower, not a leader. Being in charge makes me a little nervous. When he told me he was, I laughed because I wasn't surprised. At all. He had a tendency to argue, calling it "clarifying" himself. Even when I wasn't saying anything worth arguing about, he had to argue. I almost felt sometimes like he was picking a fight. Like he thrived on arguing. And then he called it "witty banter." "You said on your profile that you like witty banter." I do. I did say that. Witty banter isn't arguing. Not in my book. Is it in anyone else's book? Witty banter is talking humorously back and forth, with barely a pause in conversation. I've had that. Recently even. It never involved arguing. It's fun, not stressful. It's what makes for great conversation if you aren't looking to be serious. And, after living with someone for three years who thrived on arguing, I can't do arguing anymore. Not even when they think it's witty banter. 

      AND it getting to know each other, I hate this question: "What do you do for fun?" Oh, shoot. Fun? Define fun. I am far from being a boring person, and I can have fun in anything I am doing. That's pretty easy, as far as I am concerned. But, I never define my fun. Ummmm, hmmmm. Yeah. That. I....read. I....I paint. I....I like to write. I....don't know how to answer that. I don't ski. I don't play a sport. Of any kind. I like to watch sports. Does that count? I like movies. And...spending time with my kids. And...

    Second question that I discovered I am not fond of: "What do you do to stay in shape?" *Insert hysterical laughter here* I then had to explain that I don't work out. I don't run. He asked, "Do you walk?" Huh? Yeah....every day. "Do you at least go for walks to exercise?" Hmmm, no. "Then how do you stay in shape? How is your stamina?" Um, EXCUSE ME? "If you had to run around the block, would you be out of breath?" *insert hysterical laughter here too*  Well, I see no reason to run around the block...but if I had to run from zombies, or a guy with a knife, I think I could do it. I'm not just going to walk outside and say, "HEY! I think I'll go run around the block!" And I told him all of that. He laughed. Don't think he was impressed. 

     He didn't believe me when I said I could determine within the first five minutes whether or not a date was going to lead to more than one date. I can. It's true. I haven't been wrong yet. If I don't feel that "click" (you know) instantly, I probably won't go out with them again. It doesn't mean they aren't really nice guys. It doesn't mean they won't make some woman really happy. I can just tell it won't be me. Within the first five minutes. Really. 

     I like to sit across from my date and think, "Do I really want to look at this face every day for the rest of my life?" If the answer is no then there is really no point. But, it's not just the face. More importantly, it's the conversation. Are there the uncomfortable pauses in conversation? Yes? You have your answer. 

     I couldn't even tell you what we talked about for six hours. It was a long enough conversation that we decided it was our second date (the first date was texting for a long period of time). The first hour he pummeled me with interview questions. Then suddenly he's telling me that I wasn't talking. Wait... What? I just spent the last hour answering your questions. How wasn't I talking? sigh So, I started coming up with interview questions for him. AND he kept complaining how my phone kept cutting out or getting so quiet he couldn't hear me. The entire six hours. Oh. My. Gosh. Exhausting. I didn't call you, bud. You called me. I was perfectly happy with texting. sigh But, yes, the conversation lasted over 6 hours. 

       He even browsed through my Facebook photos while we were talking. (Are we friends on Facebook? Nope. That made me a little nervous. So much so that last night I went through most of my photos and made them really REALLY private.) He never ended up friend requesting me, and I don't know his last name so I can't locate him. Kind of creepy.

     Finally, at almost 4:30am, I HAD to get off of the phone. It was my call. He had work in two hours and he didn't care (of course, he works from home. He can nap). I had work the next afternoon. I didn't want to waste the day sleeping. Still felt pretty groggy the next day, even after 6 hours of sleep. I'm too old for slumber parties, I guess. 

     I think the hardest part was that it just seemed so hard to carry on a conversation because he didn't always understand my language. Yes, even after 6 hours on the phone. I've had conversations with recent dates where it was simply effortless the entire time, from beginning to end, filled with sarcasm because we both spoke the exact same language. I wasn't exhausted after those conversations. It was easy. I was left wanting more. Whomever I was talking to got me. I have to have that. It's a requirement for me. 

     I'm sure this six-hour-phone-call-guy is a really great guy. I talked to him for six hours. I got the impression he was. But was he MY great guy? He lives in another state. It's really doubtful. I'm willing to keep trying on those shoes until I know for sure but I am paying full attention to his insistence on "clarifying" himself, and the fact that he just didn't speak my language. It's part of shoe shopping. It's what you do. 

     On a side note, after thirty days of trying out dating sites, I'm taking a break. It's time. Two dating sites (the other two didn't last long enough to count) for thirty days equalled about six actual first dates. And a few that said we'd go out and then kind of disappeared. Funny men. Zoosk was shut down three days before the actual deadline. I think I got both bored and annoyed. It's like going into the same shoe store every day and seeing the exact same shoes every single time. And those shoes just don't ever fit right. Even after thirty days. 

     Don't worry, though. I DID find one pair that I really like. Witty banter included. He gets me. No "clarifying." No having to defend myself or explain what I meant. No uncomfortable pauses in conversation. Five minute rule achieved and I really knew for sure that there was going to be a second date. I'm not saying that I want to marry him or even make a commitment to him. It's waaaay too soon to ever say that. There is still so much that I don't know about him yet. But I am willing to find out. I want to take these shiny, comfy new shoes and walk around the store for a little while to see how they fit before I buy them and take them home. And that says a lot.  

     Yes, relationships can complicate your life. They can make life pretty messy. But, really, life would be so dull if there were no complications. Do you want a dull life? I know I don't. A good relationship adds a little spark to your day. It's that person who makes you laugh even when you aren't in the mood. Who makes you smile with just a simple random text. It's someone to talk to when life is tough. They listen to you when you need to talk. And love you even when you don't feel lovable.  When you're mad, or sad, or blue, or messy, or stinky, or fat, or thin, or bald, or wrinkly, they are still there. It's that person that is there when you are so old you can barely walk, or feed yourself, or remember their name. They love you anyway. They tie your shoes, button your collar, push your wheelchair, hold your hand when it's trembling. It's reality. It's knowing that even when you don't look like a model when you wake up in the morning, before you put on your makeup or style your hair, even then they are still there, loving you even more than they did the day before. That's a relationship worth waiting for. We're not getting any younger, kids. I'd say if you found her then it's worth the complication, don't you? 

     

Dating Sites vs Single's Dances

     

I attended a single's dance the other night. Don't get all excited. It wasn't that amazing. Can I ask you something? Why do people go to a "single's dance" with a date? What's the point? Isn't the point of going to a single's dance to stop being single? How are we supposed to do that if half of the attendees are in a relationship? I even met a couple that was married. MARRIED. At a single's dance. *insert exasperated sigh here*

     Anyway, it was a Halloween dance. I LOVE dressing up. Comic Con is like my drug of choice. Give me an excuse to put on a costume and wander among other costumed revelers and I'm a happy camper. But I digress. I met up with a couple of my new single friends at the dance, and I was dressed like this:

     Cute, right?  I was rather proud of it, if I do say so myself. Put this baby all together myself, right down to newly decorated purse and hat. Gosh, I do love dressing up! Steampunk has become my costume of choice. If I could dress like this all of the time, life would be more fun. I wonder if the Marriott would care if I added pocket watches and cogs to my standard (boring) uniform. Throw in a pirate hat and an awesome wig and we are set. 

     I have been to one of these single's dances before but it was last winter sometime. Had an oddly strange time so I never went back. Plus I hate going to this types of things by myself. I didn't know anyone back then so I felt awkward there. Now that I have single friends my own age (don't ask), I will be attending these more often. 

     The point of this particular blog and, as I've said before, I always have a point, is the uncomfortableness of attending a dance vs being a part of the single's world. At my age. But, I LOVE dancing. It's my favorite form of exercise. I always have fun and I never get tired of it. Finding a guy that also loves to dance AND can actually dance is rather hard to do. These are the best places to find said guy. But, once in awhile you end up sitting on the sidelines. Now, I could have just gone out and danced by myself. No big deal. Who would have noticed anyway? I could have danced with one of my newfound friends. I could have asked someone to dance. But sometimes I just wanted to sit down and people watch, one of my favorites thing to do. And at a costumed event, you have plenty to look at. 

     In the old days sitting on the sidelines was a sad thing to do. You know, wall flowers. Sitting on the side waiting for someone to ask you to dance. And they never do. And the popular people are never wall flowers it seems. This time I was sitting down on my own terms. I really didn't want to dance at that moment which is why I sat down. Had Mr. Amazing come by and asked, of course I would have said yes. I don't think he was there though. I think he was somewhere else, dressed up in his pirate costume, having a good time. Anyway, I just sat there, watching the dancers. I was really okay with it. 

But it reminded me of dating sites...

     My favorite thing to talk about: Dating sites. OY. A month ago I joined four dating sites because a friend said I should date around instead of being focused on one guy. Within two days I had dropped two of the sites. *shudder* When I've signed up in the past, I generally give myself thirty days. If I don't have any success, I bail. Give up. Quit. Yesterday I dropped out of POF after thirty days with no dating success stories. I had made some "friends" but in general, it was a bust. Zoosk has one week left and then I'm done. Anyone that matters already has my phone number. Anyone after that isn't worth staying for. 

     SO, in dating sites you create a profile, put up some pictures (preferably good pictures, not pictures of your dog, your kids, or your car), and then you wait. 

• You have your cruisers: The ones that look at your pictures and "wink" at you. They just keep coming back to look at your profile. Every day. All day. Not a word. No message. What response do they expect from this? I don't get it. 
• You have your "chatters," the ones who just want to talk but never actually meet in person. They'll chat for weeks. Once again, what do they expect from this? 
• And you have your pushers: "You're really cute. Let's meet!" They scare me. 

     Let me have happy medium: Chat for a couple of days, meet. Not too pushy, not too chatty, just right. I met him. He's amazing. 

     Once you have your pictures and profile all set up, you sit on your "chair" on the sidelines and wait for someone to stop and talk to you. In some cases, you could be sitting there for a really long time. One of them finally comes and talks to you and asks you to "dance." You dance with them for a few songs and this is when you decide if you want to keep dancing with them, or call it quits. 
     
     At the Halloween dance, I danced with one guy who stopped by my chair as I sat and asked if I was alone. The guy had an amazing mullet. Seriously...it wasn't his costume. He was dressed as a lion, I think, and the mullet merely added to his costume. He seemed like a nice guy: Chatty, not bad looking (hard to tell when he had face paint on-I'm guessing), didn't dance badly. But after three dances in a row he asked if I wanted to keep dancing or if I was done. "I'm done," popped out of my mouth. (Dang that tourettes! My filter has really just faded away anymore.) I danced with one of my friends about 6 times, one of my other friends (a woman) about three times (because we can), danced alone during a line dance (love them), and I danced with a monk. Yes, a monk. My first. I was sitting on the sidelines again and he asked me to dance. Two dances. I'm done. No click, people. You know how I need that click.

     Three hours at a dance is the equivalent of thirty days on a dating site for me, I guess. No prospects. Walk away. You sit there, waiting for someone to ask you out on a date, just like waiting for them to ask you to dance. It can be really tough and sad and depressing...if you let it be. But I didn't. Even on the dating sites. At first it was annoying and even depressing, but now I just think it's kind of silly. 

     What are these people looking for? "People" meaning men. Did I mention how dating at my age is so strange? I'm sure that's because it's really not supposed to even be happening. In theory, people my age are all married. Happily. That's the plan, right? But, some of us aren't. For one reason or another, it didn't work as planned. The schematic failed miserably. None of us sat down thirty years ago and thought, "When I'm fifty, I'm going to be single. That sounds like a fun plan." If they did, they never actually ever got married. Ever. It's not fun. It even sucks sometimes. It's lonely. 

     So, what are these people looking for? You know, the ones that wink, or look, or chat for weeks on end, but never actually commit to committing? We do this "dance" for days or weeks but they never decide on making it a permanent arrangement. The winkers keep winking. The chatters keep flirting. The players keep playing. 

     Those of us with everything wonderful to offer just sit on our sidelines, waiting to be asked to dance.

Blogger Challenge #3: A Tutorial Post (or What Not To Post On A Dating Site)

          I was trying, for the past two days, to figure out what my tutorial should be on. I teach painting classes but I didn't really want to explain how to paint (it's just easier with people in front of me and I don't do well making videos). I thought about explaining what I do to help myself be happier throughout the day but I didn't feel any inspiration when I tried to write it. Doesn't mean I don't know how to explain it, just wasn't inspired. Then this morning as I sat on my porch, drinking my morning caffeine and perusing the last two dating sites I have stayed on, it hit me: What not to post on a dating site! 

     If you've read any of my other posts on my blog, you read about my shoe shopping analogy. Dating is like shopping for shoes: You are looking for the perfect shoes that you want to wear for a really long time, if not forever. Two of the sites I've remained on, Zoosk and POF (after the original four), have a process of elimination. You "flip" through profile pictures to find your perfect "match." Mind you, you're only seeing their picture, not their profile so you are basing your interest off of their looks. Swipe left, nope. You don't want to ever see their face again. Swipe right, you do and you hope they also swipe your face right. If they do, you have a match...and then you hope said match contacts you. Someday. One match contacted me after we were mutually matched to let me know that while he liked my pictures, after reading my profile he didn't think we were a match at all. He's still looking at my pictures. One guy keeps looking at my pictures but not talking to me. He looks several times a day (ew!) so I finally contacted him and asked him if he was bored, hoping that would spark some sort of conversation. Nope, he wrote back and said he just liked my looks (double ew!) so I blocked him. Buh-bye. I already have a stalker. I don't need another. 

     SO, if you want to be more successful on a dating site, here are my tips:

                      Start with really great pictures!!!

Most importantly, SMILE. This is your very first impression. It tells the datee (yes, I meant "datee") that you are a happy person (even if you aren't happy all of the time, it gives the impression that you are).  People want to find a happy person. You can also see it in their eyes. Real smiles are right up into the eyes. They help create those really awesome smile lines that people mistakenly call "crows feet." We earned those lines with every happy moment in our lives. Flaunt them! If not one of your pictures is a smiling picture, that scares me a little. Coming from someone who dated an abuser, I need to at least THINK you smile once in awhile. It also shows me your teeth. Do you have any? Show me those pearly whites. 

Flaunt your best features. Not THOSE features. Seriously, if your best features should be kept in your pants, I'm not interested. You really have to catch my attention at eye level before I ever think of anything below that. Besides, I'm talking about your eyes and your smile. I am attracted to both. I'm looking at those two things before I look to see how tall you are or your weight. If you are wearing sunglasses, I'm going to slide you left or hit that big ol' NO button. Not smiling, same swipe.

Let's see your face. If your main profile picture doesn't show your face at all, I'm not even considering you. When you choose your profile picture, make sure it lines up correctly in the little square so you don't cut off the lower half of your face. Remember, this is the first impression you are giving people so make it a good one. If all I see is the top of your head, I know you have a great head of hair, or the lack thereof. Most cases I don't care if you're bald but I have to see your eyes and your smile too. Don't post a picture of someone famous. Makes no sense. (Yes, I've seen two profile pictures that were either John Wayne or Norman from Psycho. I'm not dating him)

Do not be scary! If your picture looks like a mug shot the FBI hangs in the post office, you are definitely being swiped left. Big giant nope. I've seen some pretty scary profile pictures. Generally they have a white brick wall behind them, and a scowl on their face. Most of the time they are staring straight at the camera...as though they are staring into your soul. SCARY!  I'd post some of the pictures here to illustrate but that would just be mean. I think you get the idea. If not, just go on Google and search for FBI mug shots. 

Are you ready for your close-up? If your face is so far away that I cannot even make out that you have a nose, swiped left, NO hit. Once again, the point is for the woman or man you are trying to attract to be able to see you...or they won't know if they are attracted to you. Yes, it gives them a full body shot but you have no face. Save the far away, full body shot for one of your other pictures. Remember, this is your profile picture. The one they see when they are first cruising through the profiles. Tinder is the one site you definitely want to have a good profile picture for. That's the biggest one for "shoe shopping." A great profile picture will intrigue them. They'll want to see more and might actually read your profile.  

Face forward. "Profile picture" does not actually mean a picture of your profile. I would like to see the front of your face, not the left or right side by itself, even if your left side IS your best side. Swiped left. And please, posting a picture of you flexing your shirtless muscles won't do it for me either. Let me be surprised. 

Take a solo selfie. Picture of you with your friends: Which one is actually you? What if I like your friend better than you? That would be embarrassing. I can see the first meeting now: "Wait, I thought you were the tall, blonde one..." Make sure your profile picture is just you. It makes it less confusing. 

Post current pictures. Are you posting a picture from your youth? The obvious sign is that you are wearing bell bottoms and boasting an afro. Unless you are trying to bring back the fashion, I'm going to know that your picture is not current. High school senior pictures should be saved for later. You can bring out the old pictures on date number four. She'll get a kick out of it. But right now, we want to see pictures that have been taken of you in the last few months. A lot can change in a year. You may have gained or lost a ton of weight, gotten a hair cut, shaved your face (if you are a man, especially), lost a limb, etc. You get the point. If I am attracted to a picture of a guy from last year and then I meet him and he's significantly different than the guy I thought I was meeting, chances are I will either be pleasantly surprised or there will be no date number 2. Yes, I'm still judging my attraction by your looks, not your personality. I'll decide on the personality after I meet you. 

Post pictures without a hat on. Yes, I know you look great in a hat. Baseball hat, beret, etc. And I love when a guy looks great in a hat BUT what do you look like when the hat comes off? What are you hiding under that hat? One guy I chatted with is wearing a hat in every picture. They are GREAT hats (he has massive eyebrows though) but I would like to see him without a hat. Did I go out with him? Nope. Never met him in person. The guy was just creepy in the chats with or without the hat. We never got past messaging back and forth. He was definitely looking for more than my charming personality. 

Park the automobile in the garage, not in your profile. Picture of your car? Is your car your best feature? Do you really want to attract someone that will contact you because your car is your profile picture? If you're a great guy, I don't care what you drive. Same thing if you show a picture of a motorcycle, a horse, or your dog. 

And post a lot of pictures. Once you get that amazing, smiling profile picture done, take a few more. Find pictures that your kids took of you, or your friends, or your family. I know it's uncomfortable but weed through them and find the best ones. Then post them all. And change them once in awhile. Let viewers see different shots of you. Plus, by changing your pictures, people who have looked at you before might think they've never seen you before. Everyone loves fresh.

Smile naturally. A smile that looks like someone told you to say "cheese" is not natural. Are you laughing? That shows me you like to have fun. Cheesy smile? You're trying too hard.  It's not pretty. Relax your smile. Practice in the mirror. Take a million selfies until you get it right. Think of something that makes you happy...and smile. That's the one.

Now For Your Profile 

Most of all, keep it positive!! Nobody wants to hear bad news. Tell your future matches the great things about your life. Your kids, your job, your extracurricular activities. Be excited about your life. Leave out the bad stuff. Don't mention your ex-spouse. Don't talk about how you lost your job, how your kids hate you...just keep it positive. Think of it as your resume'. You want to put your best face forward. What makes you happy? Think sunshine and lemonade. Write that down! 

What are your personality traits? What do you like to do to relax? Mountain biking, hiking, photography, listening to great music? Put that in there. Are you adventurous? A night owl? An early riser? Love to travel? Write it all down. Are you loud, quiet, hyper, calm, a party animal, or a homebody? The more information, the better. This tells your match if there actually IS a match. I met someone recently that had listed off certain personality traits that he had, letting me know without a doubt who he was. I felt like I matched several if not all of them so I contacted him. We had a 2 1/2 hour date. The jury is still out. (But I really like him)

Check for typos!! I don't know about you but I have a tendency to spell-check things that I'm reading. I don't mean to, it just happens. So if I notice that the person I'm interested in misspells many a word, I'm going to keep looking. I'm not a spelling snob, I just appreciate educated people. You don't have to have a degree. Just know the difference between loose and lose, and there, their, and they're. Please don't use texting jargon when you are writing your profile. "Ur?" "B?" *shudder* Spell out the words, please. 

Be honest! Now personally, I think that's just a given. Don't tell us that you are adventurous when we will eventually find out that adventure for you is sitting at home watching Walking Dead. When you finally meet your match and start talking about your adventurous attitude, what experiences will you be able to tell them? Be honest about your height and weight: Don't say you are 6'1" when you're really 5'10". It makes a huge difference to the girl who is 5'8". Few extra pounds? Compared to what? Few actually means three. So, if you weigh 260 and you're less than 6' tall, is that really just a few extra pounds? I guess it depends on if it's muscle weight or just plain "one too many drive-thru's". 

Be safe! Remember, you're not going to fall in love with the first date you have. If you do, congratulations!!! I envy you. Otherwise, date a lot of different people. It doesn't make you a serial dater. It makes you smart. Talk to them online a little bit before you even hand out your phone number. Meet in a public place preferably during the day. Try coffee in a busy little cafe'. Get to know someone before you jump into a relationship with them. Go out with them a few times. You never truly know someone until you spend 24 hours with them...a few times. Watch for warning signs. How do they treat a server in a restaurant? Road rage much? Just pay attention to the subtle details. And how do they talk to you online before you even meet them? Is there a hint that all they are looking for is a booty call? I guess if that's what you are looking for, you've gotten yourself an easy hook-up. Do they start making inappropriate comments during chat that makes you nervous? Listen to your instincts. And run away. 

Have fun with it! I find that the more entertaining the profile write-up is, the more I want to meet the writer. Boring profile says boring date. Don't be too wordy. Be concise. You might lose the reader if you say too much. Cut to the chase. Tell just enough to get them interested. Save the details for chatting later. Just have a great time and don't take yourself too seriously. Everyone wants to have fun. Happy people attract happy people. Be happy!!

Jumping In With Both Shoes, or How I Spent My Monday Evening (I just wanted to watch Gotham, sheez!)

     ****Blog was actually written Monday night****
     After I wrote my blog Sunday, I ended up having a discussion with one of my friends which gave me the impression that only focusing on ONE pair of shoes is no longer an attractive trait to have in the age of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I'm still really confused over how this whole dating thing works but, if it is better to try on more than one pair of shoes at once then I guess I am back in the dating app pool. Heck, I was great at juggling dates in high school. How much harder can it be now? Sadly, I may find out that I'm the only honest person in a game playing world.
     And, not being the type of woman that does anything small, I didn't just sign up for one dating site app, but FOUR.  Plenty of Fish, Tinder, OKCupid, and Zoosk. I have also been on Mormon Match for about two weeks, but I think there are only about a total of 12, TWELVE guys on that website. And one of them is not even a real person. I'm going to blame it on the fact that it is a newer dating site and not the fact that it may very well be a crappy dating site. It's free. I can't complain. I think I'm on another one also but there are never any alerts and I have found no way to delete your profile so I'm just going to pretend it doesn't exist. It's easier that way.
     There will be obvious benefits from this shoe shopping tour: A) I'll never have to worry about a boring weeknight or weekend again; B) I'll make friends; C) I'll have plenty of writing material for my blog; D) It will definitely be an adventure, and E) You just never know.  Here's the obvious problem I can see from trying on so many shoes at once: How the heck do I remember who is who?! It was so much easier with just one shoe at a time. Which site was which new shoe on? Who did I tell what information to? How do I remember who has what job or which kids or where they live? My head is full enough as it is with all of my own information, how do I remember every one else's information also? I'm going to have to take notes, I can see. I'll need to work out a code.
     My search criteria? Preferably over 6' (but I will not weed out anyone around 5'9" or up. It's personality, not height that makes the man), non-smoker, over the age of 40, not overweight (he can be pudgy but he has to be able to keep up with me), and can write a proper sentence. This is easy to tell right away just by reading their profile. No capitals or punctuation in the proper places, we have an issue. I'd also like to add positivity to my criteria. Mr. Cranky Pants need not apply. I don't want to hear about how your ex-wife hurt you. Time to move on, please. And I don't mind it if the guy is from somewhere outside of the general Utah area. I'm not tied to beautiful downtown Salt Lake City. Moving somewhere that doesn't have an icy winter would be preferable. Adventurers and travelers are always appealing. Most importantly, please be a nice, honest guy. (Good luck finding that guy)
     I've uploaded five profile pictures, including one nutty one just to get a sense of my personality. One man commented that I was beautiful except when I "pulled faces." Oh well. Block! All of my pictures are recent because it's pointless to use one from years ago. I only have one full body shot, just to keep them guessing.
     I started at about 9:45 last night getting all signed on and within an hour I was chatting with four different men just on POF (Plenty of Fish) alone! I was only able to get signed up on POF and Tinder because of my new friends. I didn't have time to sign up on the other two. By 10:00 am this morning, I was chatting with 12. Of course, I've also blocked about four others just because they were plain icky. Who starts a conversation with "Wow"?  That's it. Nothing else. There are several men that are still on the site since the last time I was a member but, I guess I'm still on the market, aren't I? I shouldn't judge. I did come across one man who put in his profile that he thought we should know that his wife lives 800 miles away. Um, why are you on a "dating" site? (Why am I here again?)
     My first "friend" on POF is a real estate agent with 6 different photos showing 6 different age and weight changes. I'm not sure which is his current weight. By his profile name, I can tell he is obviously a snow skier (I should mention, I am not). He seems to be more concerned about whether I wear socks to bed or if I know how to hang onto the back of a Harley. I think his intention is to flirt, not connect. He's already asking for my phone number to send me pictures. Yeah, I bet. Definitely something to write about in a future blog.  I do have one issue with him, other than his innuendoes: He does not smile in any of his pictures. He even sent me two more pictures via email. Still no smile. You think that after I mentioned the fact that he isn't smiling, he'd at least send me a picture with a smile. Not looking good for this guy. I think he might have bad teeth.
     ****Editor's note: Since I started this particular blog this morning,  I  already have scheduled two dates through POF.  One for Thursday with "Mystery Guy" (doesn't want to give me his name because it thinks it adds to the mystery) who is an artist and set designer for movies. A+ for stuff in common!! Date number two is with "Hans," a German living in Provo, on Friday evening.  He's talking about going to a movie. You don't go to a movie on the first date, kids!! You can't get to know each other in a movie. I'll be honest, he makes me a little nervous.****
     I'll talk about the other dating sites I've signed up on in my next blog since I've written so much here just about POF.  I think I also need to note that I am not a serial dater. It may have appeared at the beginning of this that I am. (Recent rumor insists that I am a "player" or a "cheater". This is not true. Once in a relationship, I am faithful.)
      This has become more of a social experiment than anything else. I don't understand the appeal of someone wanting to date more than one person over someone who would rather be with you more than anyone else. To me, that is more appealing. That one person who shows you that they'd rather focus their time and interest on you. They want to catch a glimpse at your soul, find out what makes you who you are. What causes you to smile and laugh. What causes your heart to practically sing. Your toes to curl. What causes you to sigh. What upsets you or makes you cry. And if you do cry, they don't turn away. I hope I find that one person who touches my soul before he touches my heart. I don't think he's trolling the dating sites, though. I'd be surprised if he was. I know I've had that type of relationship before but it's been a long time. I'm not so sure that I'll find that guy again at my age. The ones I'm meeting so far only seem to have one goal in mind, and it's not to touch my soul.

   

Shoe Shopping, or What it's like to find a date in the 21st Century

   
     I've been in this dating world for about a year, and not always...okay, I admit it, hardly ever successful. I wish I could say it was, even once, successful, but I cannot. I've tried practically every dating site imaginable: Zoosk, Plenty of Fish (POF), LDS Planet, EHarmony, Match, Mormon Match, LDS Singles...I'm sure I've forgotten at least two more. I tried three of them for about three months (the length of the pricing plan), gave up for six months and then tried three more for about three months, or thirty days, whichever came first. Because I had such bad luck at even getting one date with a decent guy, I kept giving up. I've even tried Facebook pages that give the appearance of a place you can find a date. Nope. No luck. BIG talkers, whine about being single, never ask anyone out, no action, nada. So, I have a tendency to just give up. It's easier. Kind of like Shoe Shopping.
     And, OH MY GOSH there are hundreds of dating sites out there (100 Best Dating Sites) and I shudder to think of the hundreds of false profiles trolling these sites. I met several in my brief dating site career. Let me start here: For instance, EHarmony has a general plan on how you meet someone. You answer some general questions that an interested party sends you to see if you are compatible. Of course, they first choose you because of the pictures you post on your profile. It's always the cover that is looked at first, kids. So, the questions come first. There are the first round of questions, the "How often do you get angry" or "How passionate are you" (which, oddly doesn't mean in a physical sense. It's whether you are passionate, aka angry, about certain subjects), or "If you could live anywhere in the world...". Anyway, so you answer the first round of questions, send out your set of questions, and hope (if you like him/her) these questions are answered and a new round is presented to you. Once you go through the three or four rounds of get-to-know-you banter, you can move on to secure emailing online through their website. If you decide you don't really want to continue chatting with the prospective party, you just stop replying or you block them and never worry about them again. Now, here is the first clue if the one you are talking to is a real human, or just some foreign person, because it can be a guy or a girl talking to someone with the same gender, pretending they are not the same gender...unless, of course, that is what you are looking for. If said interested party passes over the get-to-know-you banter and skips straight to email, chances are quite high that he's not a real person. His profile is fictitious. And his emails always sound the same as the last fictitious person: "I saw your beautiful smile," "I've been looking for someone like you," and most importantly, "My subscription expires tomorrow. Please contact me at this email address (which doesn't match the name of the person contacting you) and I will send you more pictures". Within a day or two, if you were smart enough to not reply to this guy, you would receive an email from EHarmony telling you that said guy was not a real profile, blah blah blah. As I said, I encountered more messages like this than I did real, honest-to-goodness, interested parties. 
      Some of these sites have phone apps which, in my opinion, is the best way to go. If you have a smart phone and you have a short amount of time on your hands, you can just peruse through the dating app and do what I like to call "Shoe Shopping." You ALWAYS have your phone with you-on the bus, train, plane, cab, etc. whereas you don't always have your computer with you. Bored? Let's go shoe shopping.  I coined this term because in two of the apps, Zoosk and POF, you literally FLIP through photos of prospective datees (and yes, I mean date-ees), as though you popped into DSW, Nordstroms, Famous Footwear, or Payless, and had a few minutes to kill so you thought you'd check out their shoes. As a woman, I've had plenty of experience "Power Shopping" and we are really talking about shoes right now (just thought I'd run in for a sec and end up spending $100 in under ten minutes because I found the perfect pair, or two, of shoes), and dating apps and sites feel to me like shoe shopping. Here's why:
     When you go shoe shopping, what are you looking for? A color to match an outfit you just bought? Seasonal shoes? Boots? Heels, flats, etc? You are looking for the perfect pair of shoes for whatever you need them for. So, when looking for said shoes, what is your criteria? Comfort, style, color, etc., correct? Same with dating, really. 
     Imagine you are flipping through a dating app. (If you are a visual person, this is for you.) Picture after picture of supposedly single applicants. In POF, if you like the person, you swipe the picture to the right. If you don't, you swipe it to the left (I think I have that correct-it's been awhile). Once swiped away, a new profile picture pops into view. You can literally swipe through these pictures a second a frame. It got to be so bad, and so fast,  that I started saying in my head "Too fat, too short, too scary, bad teeth, crossed-eyes, too TOO YOUNG, OH! WHAT IS HE WEARING?" and you can do that really quickly, without really thinking about it. Beware of swiping in the wrong direction, though. If the guy was your type of shoes, and you swiped him in the wrong direction, he's gone for good. You'll never see him again. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you swiped him in the wrong direction and you wanted him GONE, he now thinks you like him. Good luck with that. I had to explain that one once. ONCE. 
     Back to the shoe analogy. I love shoes. I really do. I have about thirty pairs (for some of you that is a lot, for some hardly any shoes at all) and I know what I like. Same with dating. I don't have thirty pairs of dates, sheez! But, I know what I like. You'd be surprised at the type of "shoes" I choose. Not flashy, sparkly, expensive, or popular shoes. Sometimes quirky, funny, funky, and unusual. The shoes have to speak to me. That initial click. That ohhhh-I-like-those click. At that point, it doesn't matter if the shoes are too short, too fat...okay, I put a giant kibosh at unhealthy fat. Then it's just shudder. I know which shoes will make me smile and which ones will make me shudder. I look for the "click" and then all I see are amazing, gorgeous, with a strong potential to be perfect, shoes. 
     So, we find a pair of shoes we like and we try them on. Sometimes just briefly enough to say either, "Yes, I like these. I'm going to keep them," or "Nope. Not my style. Too uncomfortable. I can't walk in these," and we either purchase them or move on. Sometimes we find a pair of shoes and they seem to fit perfectly at first. We wear them around for a few days or a few months, or even a few years, then decide they never really fit well in the first place (it was wishful thinking-they were sooooo cute) and we have to get rid of them. We ignored the fact that they give us blisters, or just hurt when we wore them too long. We are better off never wearing them again. Walk away from the bad shoes, kids. Just walk away.
     And do you have the old stand-by? The ones that are so comfortable that, even though they don't really fit into your wardrobe, you keep going back to them? You can always count on those shoes to always be there when you need them. They fit perfectly. It's comforting to even just see them once in awhile and put them back on again. They are safe. You forget that sometimes they give you blisters, and sometimes they hurt. So you go back to them because you need them, because for a short time, they feel good to be back on your feet. You know those shoes better than any other pair of shoes you try on. And they are always there. But, this doesn't mean that they are great shoes, and at some point those comfortable shoes might just hurt more than they were ever worth, and you'll need to get rid of them. It's hard to let them go, but sometimes it's just better if you do so they can't hurt you again. 
     If we are lucky enough, we find that perfect pair of shoes. They fit perfectly, go with everything, are so SO comfortable, and we want to wear them all of the time. They never give us blisters. They never hurt. We are at our best when we wear those shoes and can run faster, jump higher, be our nutty, goofy selves, and they never ever don't fit with what we are wearing, or being, or doing. And when we are not wearing them, we are wishing we were. It's so rare to find that perfect pair. Sometimes you have to try on a hundred pairs, or a thousand pairs (but, that's just icky if we aren't talking about actual shoes) to find the perfect pair. And we know the instant we put them on, they are perfect. And we are our happiest, most true self when we have those shoes in our life. 
     Most of all, when we are "shoe shopping," it's important to not rush. Walk around the store for awhile. Take your time. This is an important decision. Even if they are the most expensive shoes, or the least expensive, these shoes could possibly be the ones you wear for the rest of your life. No rush. Really look at the shoes. Really pay attention to how they make you feel when you wear them. Can you wear them for hours during the day, every day, and you don't get tired of wearing them? And, if the shoes don't quite fit right the first few times you wear them, don't give up. You have to take the time to break them in. Be patient. There may be a moment when it suddenly just clicks, and you have found the perfect pair of shoes.