Does Dating Need to be THAT Complicated? (or Why I'm Taking A Break) (...and yes, I'm rambling again)

     

     Seriously. Does dating need to be that hard? Shouldn't it just be effortless? I know marriage and relationships can be tricky but should it start out that way when you first start talking to someone? I really don't think so. 

    I like witty banter as much as the next person. I practice it every time I work at the hotel. Some people get it, some don't. And that's okay! But, in relationships and dating (or vice versa) I'm looking for someone that GETS it. GETS ME. And that is hard to find. Really. It is. There are a lot of people like me, and most of my friends are exactly like me when it comes to having sarcasm just roll off of the tongue naturally, like a second language. In fact, I tell people that I speak sarcasm as a second language, and those that understand it are thrilled to find someone else who does also. People like us are hard to find. We come from our own little island. We enjoy life. We laugh at our own jokes. We find ourselves extremely funny. And we are really disappointed when we talk to someone and they don't see the humor in whatever we said.

    The other night I was particularly snarky at work. Luckily, everyone else I worked with was feeling the exact same way. Maybe it was something in the air, or maybe it was our negative (yet extremely humorous) attitude was being piped in thru the air conditioning vent above our heads and spreading to everyone at the front desk. Either way, it was really a fun night to be working at the Marriott. We all spoke the same language. Sometimes the guest we checked in or spoke to was speaking it also. Those that weren't came under our scrutiny after they walked away. We have our own little island of Sarcasmics and if you don't speak the language, you aren't allowed off of the boat onto the dock. 

      The reason I bring this up, and remember I always have a point, is a conversation I had the other night with a prospective date. I've never met the guy in person. We have only ever chatted on a dating site and then it moved to texting. He lives in another state so the chances of us ever actually meeting in person are pretty slim. 

      I got home from work the other night and he began texting me, asking how work was. I had gotten off work early and I was ready to call it a night. He decided he "wanted to hear my voice." We had been texting. I really don't like talking on the phone. Too many variables. In texting you can just stop texting and then say you fell asleep, or your phone died, or you had something you had to do. In talking on the phone, you are pretty trapped. PLUS, when you text, you can get other stuff done at the same time because that person isn't expecting you to respond immediately after they ask you a question. It's a sad state of affairs, where our communication has gone, but I prefer to just text. Sometimes I don't have time to actually talk. It means sitting down and focusing only on the conversation. Multi-tasking is really hard to do when you are trying to carry on a conversation. 

     Aaaaaanyway, he called. 10pm. He called. Ugh. I was tired. It had been a really long day. I just wanted to settle down with a good e-book or phone game and fall asleep. We'd been texting. He knew I was there. I couldn't NOT answer. I had to. SIX HOURS LATER....you get the picture. We talked for six hours. Seriously. Now, that should say something right? Who talks to a complete stranger for six hours? I guess I do. Once again, this is what dating is about: Getting to know someone. Deciding if you want to keep "wearing those shoes." This is where my complaint about dating being so complicated comes in. He didn't always GET me. Throughout the six hours of chatting, he didn't always speak the same language I did.

     I'm not a fan of texting or emailing sarcasm. You need the tone of voice, right? You need to HEAR the sarcasm dripping off of the tongue. It gets lost in translation in the written word unless the person you're talking (texting, writing) to speaks the same language, then it's hysterical. RIGHT? I guess not. He spoke sarcasm. He didn't understand it though. There is a difference. You can speak Italian (or Spanish or Chinese or whatever foreign language you like to think you can speak). You know a few words so you know when to ask for the bathroom, or say hello and goodbye, or when you need them to bring you the check after a meal. But if an Italian suddenly decides to carry on a conversation with you in full-blown Italian, you can get lost. You can take it wrong. Phone call guy got lost. He sometimes took what I said wrong. I spent so much time explaining what I was saying. "No, I didn't mean that." No, I wasn't serious." "No, I wasn't saying you were boring. I was kidding. If I really thought you were boring, I wouldn't have said anything at all." Oh. My. Gosh. So exhausting. 

     And he was a self-admitted Type A personality. I know I'm not. Not even close. I sometimes have control issues. I've been told I would have made a great lawyer even. But, for the most part I am a follower, not a leader. Being in charge makes me a little nervous. When he told me he was, I laughed because I wasn't surprised. At all. He had a tendency to argue, calling it "clarifying" himself. Even when I wasn't saying anything worth arguing about, he had to argue. I almost felt sometimes like he was picking a fight. Like he thrived on arguing. And then he called it "witty banter." "You said on your profile that you like witty banter." I do. I did say that. Witty banter isn't arguing. Not in my book. Is it in anyone else's book? Witty banter is talking humorously back and forth, with barely a pause in conversation. I've had that. Recently even. It never involved arguing. It's fun, not stressful. It's what makes for great conversation if you aren't looking to be serious. And, after living with someone for three years who thrived on arguing, I can't do arguing anymore. Not even when they think it's witty banter. 

      AND it getting to know each other, I hate this question: "What do you do for fun?" Oh, shoot. Fun? Define fun. I am far from being a boring person, and I can have fun in anything I am doing. That's pretty easy, as far as I am concerned. But, I never define my fun. Ummmm, hmmmm. Yeah. That. I....read. I....I paint. I....I like to write. I....don't know how to answer that. I don't ski. I don't play a sport. Of any kind. I like to watch sports. Does that count? I like movies. And...spending time with my kids. And...

    Second question that I discovered I am not fond of: "What do you do to stay in shape?" *Insert hysterical laughter here* I then had to explain that I don't work out. I don't run. He asked, "Do you walk?" Huh? Yeah....every day. "Do you at least go for walks to exercise?" Hmmm, no. "Then how do you stay in shape? How is your stamina?" Um, EXCUSE ME? "If you had to run around the block, would you be out of breath?" *insert hysterical laughter here too*  Well, I see no reason to run around the block...but if I had to run from zombies, or a guy with a knife, I think I could do it. I'm not just going to walk outside and say, "HEY! I think I'll go run around the block!" And I told him all of that. He laughed. Don't think he was impressed. 

     He didn't believe me when I said I could determine within the first five minutes whether or not a date was going to lead to more than one date. I can. It's true. I haven't been wrong yet. If I don't feel that "click" (you know) instantly, I probably won't go out with them again. It doesn't mean they aren't really nice guys. It doesn't mean they won't make some woman really happy. I can just tell it won't be me. Within the first five minutes. Really. 

     I like to sit across from my date and think, "Do I really want to look at this face every day for the rest of my life?" If the answer is no then there is really no point. But, it's not just the face. More importantly, it's the conversation. Are there the uncomfortable pauses in conversation? Yes? You have your answer. 

     I couldn't even tell you what we talked about for six hours. It was a long enough conversation that we decided it was our second date (the first date was texting for a long period of time). The first hour he pummeled me with interview questions. Then suddenly he's telling me that I wasn't talking. Wait... What? I just spent the last hour answering your questions. How wasn't I talking? sigh So, I started coming up with interview questions for him. AND he kept complaining how my phone kept cutting out or getting so quiet he couldn't hear me. The entire six hours. Oh. My. Gosh. Exhausting. I didn't call you, bud. You called me. I was perfectly happy with texting. sigh But, yes, the conversation lasted over 6 hours. 

       He even browsed through my Facebook photos while we were talking. (Are we friends on Facebook? Nope. That made me a little nervous. So much so that last night I went through most of my photos and made them really REALLY private.) He never ended up friend requesting me, and I don't know his last name so I can't locate him. Kind of creepy.

     Finally, at almost 4:30am, I HAD to get off of the phone. It was my call. He had work in two hours and he didn't care (of course, he works from home. He can nap). I had work the next afternoon. I didn't want to waste the day sleeping. Still felt pretty groggy the next day, even after 6 hours of sleep. I'm too old for slumber parties, I guess. 

     I think the hardest part was that it just seemed so hard to carry on a conversation because he didn't always understand my language. Yes, even after 6 hours on the phone. I've had conversations with recent dates where it was simply effortless the entire time, from beginning to end, filled with sarcasm because we both spoke the exact same language. I wasn't exhausted after those conversations. It was easy. I was left wanting more. Whomever I was talking to got me. I have to have that. It's a requirement for me. 

     I'm sure this six-hour-phone-call-guy is a really great guy. I talked to him for six hours. I got the impression he was. But was he MY great guy? He lives in another state. It's really doubtful. I'm willing to keep trying on those shoes until I know for sure but I am paying full attention to his insistence on "clarifying" himself, and the fact that he just didn't speak my language. It's part of shoe shopping. It's what you do. 

     On a side note, after thirty days of trying out dating sites, I'm taking a break. It's time. Two dating sites (the other two didn't last long enough to count) for thirty days equalled about six actual first dates. And a few that said we'd go out and then kind of disappeared. Funny men. Zoosk was shut down three days before the actual deadline. I think I got both bored and annoyed. It's like going into the same shoe store every day and seeing the exact same shoes every single time. And those shoes just don't ever fit right. Even after thirty days. 

     Don't worry, though. I DID find one pair that I really like. Witty banter included. He gets me. No "clarifying." No having to defend myself or explain what I meant. No uncomfortable pauses in conversation. Five minute rule achieved and I really knew for sure that there was going to be a second date. I'm not saying that I want to marry him or even make a commitment to him. It's waaaay too soon to ever say that. There is still so much that I don't know about him yet. But I am willing to find out. I want to take these shiny, comfy new shoes and walk around the store for a little while to see how they fit before I buy them and take them home. And that says a lot.  

     Yes, relationships can complicate your life. They can make life pretty messy. But, really, life would be so dull if there were no complications. Do you want a dull life? I know I don't. A good relationship adds a little spark to your day. It's that person who makes you laugh even when you aren't in the mood. Who makes you smile with just a simple random text. It's someone to talk to when life is tough. They listen to you when you need to talk. And love you even when you don't feel lovable.  When you're mad, or sad, or blue, or messy, or stinky, or fat, or thin, or bald, or wrinkly, they are still there. It's that person that is there when you are so old you can barely walk, or feed yourself, or remember their name. They love you anyway. They tie your shoes, button your collar, push your wheelchair, hold your hand when it's trembling. It's reality. It's knowing that even when you don't look like a model when you wake up in the morning, before you put on your makeup or style your hair, even then they are still there, loving you even more than they did the day before. That's a relationship worth waiting for. We're not getting any younger, kids. I'd say if you found her then it's worth the complication, don't you?