Another one on relationships by my AMAZING friend, Gerald Rogers.

QUESTION: "How do I restore TRUST in the relationship? How do I allow myself to trust when I have been hurt or let down?"

- TRUST is a foundation for any healthy relationship, and also one of the hardest to rebuild after it has been violated. It requires a conscious choice to look for the good, and let go of the bad, and to intentionally create conditions in which trust can thrive. 

Truth is, I have never known a woman that didn't have "trust issues". There are men that struggle with it too, but not nearly as common as with women. 

Why? The feminine energy is about change and growth and evolution. Just like the weather, her emotions, her thoughts and her desires are always different moment to moment.

The reason why she craves trust in the relationship, is because at her core, she doesn't trust herself.

She hungers for the divine masculine to be that stable rock for her. To provide an unshakeable foundation on which she can fall at any time. 

She wants to feel cherished, protected, and owned by this powerful masculine presence, because it is there that she feels safe. It is there that she feels she can finally let go. 

But In a world where she expects him to be perfect, she is bound to be disappointed. 

The moment her man runs from her when she is emotional, she feels she cannot trust him. The moment he says he will do something, but forgets or fails to follow through, she feels she cannot trust him. The moment she feels that he is attracted to another woman besides her, she feels she cannot trust him. The moment he is afraid to be vulnerable and he feels he needs to hide things from her, her intuition kicks in, and she feels like she cannot trust him.

And then her subconscious, in it's effort to protect her, stores up all of the past disappointments in the back of her mind as reasons to not trust. It's like there's this secret little closet in the back of her head, and whenever she gets hurt or afraid, she opens up the closet where all the past pain has been hidden and says, "see, this is why I can't trust."

In fact one of the big reasons she doesn't trust him, isn't about him at all...

She has so much stored up from the past, from her childhood, from her parents, from her past relationships, that she often will PROJECT onto him. HE in essence becomes the father who wasn't there, the boyfriend that dumped her, the ex who cheated on her...

Really, in many ways, it becomes impossible for him to win... She yearns to trust, because she wants to let go and surrender, but she carries all of this past baggage and impossible expectations that makes it hard for him to earn that key to her heart so she will fully let him in. And when he messes up and tries to do better, it's hard for her to let him back in.

SIDENOTE: Not all men deserve trust. Some just aren't trust-WORTHY. But mostly that is not because of an intention to hurt or to let her down, but rather a reflection of his own limiting beliefs and fears... and then, some guys are just cheating, lying, abusive douchebags. My advice, stay away from those. 

But most guys, I believe, have good hearts, and are doing the best they can. They want to be trusted, and deserve a chance.

So... in any relationship that makes it past the honeymoon phase, there will be disappointments and validation for why you should not trust him. They may be little things like forgetting to stop at the grocery store for you, or big things to him having an affair...

the question is, if trust needs to be rebuilt for true INTIMACY to exist, HOW DO YOU RESTORE TRUST?

Here's five simple tips:

1) GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT... don't jump to conclusions, try to read his mind, or just assume that he's lying or hiding something from you. Choose to take his words for what they are, and stop imagining things that you don't know are true.

2) BE OPEN WITH YOUR CONCERNS... Don't expect him to be a mind reader. Talk about your feelings and fears. Share what fears are being triggered from the past, and recognize when you are projecting your past onto him. Tell him what you want, and what you need to feel safe. MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO WIN.

3) LOOK FOR REASONS TO TRUST HIM... Rather than holding onto the few things that he fails at and storing those away, focus on all the times he DOES follow through, that he IS there for you, and all the reasons he IS worthy of trust.

4) FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE... He'll mess up, but this doesn't mean you have to shut him out of your heart. This doesn't mean ignore or pretend it didn't happen. It means, don't let your HISTORY hold you HOSTAGE. Cut the anchor from the past, and leave the past there. When he messes up, work together to fix it, find solutions to make sure it doesn't happen again, and let the mistake go. FORGIVENESS is required for intimacy to exist.

5) EXPECT LESS... You should have high standards in your relationship. you should support each other in being your best... but unfair expectations are what create the most pain in relationships. IF you don't expect him to remember everything all the time, the moment he forgets to take out the trash, or forgets about something important to you, you'll be ok, and you'll realize you CAN STILL TRUST HIM, EVEN WHEN HE IS IMPERFECT.

Let's face it... both of you are just doing the best you can with where you are at. Give him permission to be human, and still honor the greatness you see. 

Keep your heart open. Love fiercely. Forgive often. Give Generously.

and remember you have one life to live... Live BIG
- Gerald Rogers

(Click like or share, if this is helpful. In preparation for my book launch, I will keep answering questions I have been sent. for info on the book and to register to get your copy visit www.marriageadvicebook.com)