Shower Epiphany: Being a Nice Person vs Flirting

           I posted on Facebook recently that I had received a rather lengthy email from an old friend who was concerned that my feelings for him were more than just "friends" status. I was really surprised by this email because I hadn't given any hint during the random times we'd spent together in two weeks that I wanted to be more than friends. Because I didn't.

     One of my Facebook friends commented that I must have been flirting with him.

Hmmmm. Nope.

     You see, this old friend was my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one I've mentioned in previous posts. Why would I even consider going into a relationship with him again that was anything more than just friends?  Some might wonder why I would even want to be friends with him. Because, I'm a nice person. I forgive easily. No, really. I do. I can be trampled over and over again and still stand up and say, "Okay. One more chance." It's what I do. I did it for 22 years (even doing it now, three years later) with my ex-husband. I love so I forgive.

     Anyway, Comic Con was approaching. I go every single time with my youngest son, Luke. It's our thing. But Luke has become a social butterfly so he likes to go wander Comic Con by himself, or with his friends (who wants to hang out with their MOM?), and I knew I would be left alone to wander Comic Con in my little Steampunk outfits. I knew it wouldn't be as much fun alone. It's always more fun with someone who also wants to be there as much as you do. I don't have any other Comic Con friends. You know, the ones who get soooo excited about being there that they buy their tickets as soon as they go on sale...6 months ahead of time.  And I knew the ex-boyfriend was one of those people who did. We had a common interest: Comic Con. Since the first one three years ago that only Luke and I had attended, we had gone to every single one together, the ex-boyfriend and I. That was why I contacted him after a no-contact zone of six months. So I'd have someone to wander Comic Con with. And so that, knowing him, he'd have someone to go to Comic Con with also.  That was the only reason. Nothing more.

     Let me first preface this whole thing (wait, I didn't really preface it, did I?) by saying that I am not lonely. I don't feel alone. At all. It's weird. For a really long time I had felt lonely. I perused dating sites every six months, hoping to find that one person who'd fix my loneliness. Guess what? I fixed it by myself.  Seriously. Didn't need some guy to do it for me. Imagine that. AND I am really confortable in my single status. Really. That scares me a little bit too, but that's a blog post for another day.

     So, two weeks ago I contacted the ex-boyfriend via email and asked him if he was going to Comic Con. He replied that he was and would be interested in doing what we've always done at Comic Cons before: wander together. Between that contact and Comic Con, we've gone to two movies together and a lunch (and I paid for myself which makes them NOT DATES), and the local Italian Festival. Once again, I paid for myself. Once again, not a date. Then we wandered Comic Con. The ex-boyfriend did not fund one part of my personal Comic Con experience. NOT DATING.

     And so, imagine my surprise when I get the lengthy email the day after Comic Con ends telling me that we could only be friends. That he didn't want me relying on him for movies and dinners. That I should also be seeing my other friends and "movie buddies".  And not be surprised if he distances himself when he becomes interested in someone else.

     HUH?

     Yeah. Me too.

    So, back to my initial epiphany: Being Nice vs Flirting.

     I'm a nice person. I treat all humans, male or female, with the same niceness. If you are friendly or sarcastic, BONUS!! We will get along perfectly. If you're nice to me, I am automatically nice back. That's why I've always been in customer service. It's what I do.

     When I worked at the front desk at my hotel, more than once I was told (jokingly) to stop flirting with the guests. It's because I am friendly. I'll act interested in what you have to say. I will laugh at your jokes. It's my job to make you feel good and walk away happier than you were when you first started talking to me.

    Is that flirting?

    Or am I just being nice?

     So is this where the world has gone? Have we forgotten what it's like to be friendly to people? So much so, that when someone is friendly to us, we think they are flirting? Or other people think we're flirting with them?

     My Facebook friend said that he found it hard to believe that I wasn't flirting with said ex-boyfriend.

     I cannot tell you when the last time was that I actually flirted with someone. I almost think I have forgotten how to flirt. Seriously. It's been so long.

     So the other morning when I was in the shower (because that is where all serious thinking - and karaoke - is done), it hit me: Was my ex-boyfriend so un-used to people being nice to him that when someone is, he thinks they're interested in him? Is that why he thought I was wanting to be more than friends? Because I was nice to him?

***Insert eye roll here***

     And is that why he never once asked me how I'd been or what I'd been up to for the last six months? Or showed any interest in my life? Or even smiled the first or second time he saw me after six months? (in fact, he just looked plain pissed) Because he was afraid I'd think he was interested in me?

***Insert another eye roll here***

     Is that where the world has gone? You can't be nice to someone without them thinking you're seriously interested in them?

     That's just sad.

     NEWSFLASH:

     Being nice to someone is not always flirting.

     Sometimes it just is what it is.

     I suppose there are those who are so blind to flirting that they don't notice it when someone actually is interested in them. They have their buddies punching them in the shoulder, "Dude. She was totally flirting with you!" and they still have no clue. (OR, there are those that assume EVERYONE is flirting with them. Big ego much?)

     And there are those, like me, who are just being themselves. Being nice to other people simply for the sake of being nice. No intentions. No ulterior motives.

Just. Being. Nice.

     Maybe, WORLD, if everyone started being a little nicer to those around them, there'd be less wars. Less homelessness. Less hunger. Less anger. Less loneliness. Less confusion. Less judgement. Less hate. Less of everything that is sad and bad.

     Maybe, just maybe, there would be more peace. Imagine that.

You know those little kids who smile at you in the grocery store checkout line simply because you're looking at them?

Do you suppose their flirting with you?

Doubtful.

   
Maybe we need to be a little more like them.

Forgive Myself?

     Talking to my "life coach" (I always put it in quotations because I kind of think it's a silly name. Isn't it more like inexpensive therapist?) the other day and I thought I was doing well going through the whole apology letters to people I felt have caused me to be angry today. I wrote those letters and I was feeling pretty good about myself. He was right. It was a huge release to do it. 
     So, when I met up with him (after he'd printed out and read the letters), I was feeling good. I wasn't feeling emotional. We met in the middle of his restaurant prior to the opening. No problem. Just a casual chat about what I'd written. Somewhere in there, the tables turned. I'm not sure what happened but suddenly I was crying. In the middle of a restaurant. That had opened. Swell. 
     Like I said, I'm not even sure where it started. I know I was already upset (internally) because of a couple things I'll touch on later. Somehow we got on the subject (that I was upset about) and then I was gone. 
     Okay, fine. I'll just tell you now. It would make more sense if I do, right? When I was twenty, I got married. I'm pretty sure I've told this story before. Anyway, I got married, had two kids, and got divorced all in about 6 years. Here's what happens when you get divorced when you have little kids. It becomes a game of visitation. It's bad enough when your kids are little (which is why I'm a huge advocate for not getting divorced, especially when your kids are little), but then they grow up, get married, and have kids of their own. And the visitation competition continues.
     It's not bad if your adult child lives out of town. It IS bad if you don't have money to fly out and visit all of the time (or more than once a year). It becomes worse when they come to town and they have to split their time between you and your former spouse. 
     And grandchild birthdays. My grandson turns two this year, right after Christmas. I don't have a lot of family living here in town. Just me and my sons. No reason to have a big birthday party. Nobody to invite. My ex and his wife, on the other hand, have tons of family to invite. Am I jealous? Of course. It's probably dumb. My grandson has no idea that a big birthday is important because it's not. It's not at all. And it's dumb for me to be jealous or upset or whatever. That cute little kid won't care. It's a cake and balloons and a ton of people singing Happy Birthday. And he won't have any idea what it all means. He's 2. 
     Look what talking it out with all of you has done for me. I'll throw that cute kid a party for just me and my sons and whomever shows up. We'll have cake and ice cream and presents and it will just be a celebration. And it doesn't even have to be on his birthday. Because he's 2 and he won't know the difference. That's awesome. I'm good now. Moving on.
     So, because that day I was upset about this particular issue, it brought up regrets. Regrets are a bag of crap that you drag around you like a horrible weight and they don't matter because they are in the past. Yes, I get that. I told my life coach I hang onto my "regrets" because they remind me to not do it again. Right? Isn't that what they do? Well, no. I really don't think they do. Have I learned enough from past mistakes to never do them again? Nope. I can say that I have not. Sadly, I have not. Why? Shoot. I don't know. I'm dumb. I'm human. Bad judgment. It's all dumb. 
     And this is when he told me I had to forgive myself. FORGIVE MYSELF? Are you serious? Yes, your 20 year old self (20-25) was young and she made mistakes. Forgive her. And that was the final blow. Why can't I forgive her? She made a buttload of mistakes (yes. A buttload). She left her two little boys behind to go after what SHE wanted. Would she have done it when she was older? No, she would not have. She got remarried when she was 27 and had two more kids. And she could never imagine leaving her kids behind. She would not have done at 27 what she did when she was 23 or 24 or 25. Sadly, two to four years made that much of a difference. 
     SO, why was she so dumb at that age? Why did she make those mistakes? I look at my children. My daughter is 23, the year I made my first HUGE life changing error. She's making her own choices, and a lot of them I don't agree with. BUT, do I hold a grudge against her? Nope. Not a one. I have talked to her about paying attention to my past mistakes and learn from them but she wants to live her life, experience what she is going to experience, and make her own mistakes. And there is nothing I can do about it. She will learn on her own. Should she know better? Of course. She's not dumb. She's young.
     My youngest is 21. He's a funny kid. He has made many mistakes and I just shake my head. Do I hold a grudge against him? Nope. He's young. He won't always make these mistakes. He'll grow up and he'll learn and chances are he won't make the same mistakes when he's older. 
     My mom doesn't hold my past mistakes against me even though I screwed up more than once. She just kept loving me. I KNOW I hurt her many times over. I know she was worried about me. I know she was disappointed in me. But she's still here. She still loves me. She has thanked me for being me. Do I think she'd do that if she was ashamed of me? Nope. 
     SO, the magic question is "Why do I continue to feel ashamed of the girl I was 30 years ago?" You tell me. It's dumb, right? 
     That young girl made me who I am today. She was funny, cute, sweet, loving, kind, and slightly messed up. But I DID in fact learn from it. There are many things I don't do now that I did then. I am kinder, more loving, honest, more thoughtful, more sweet, (still cute), selfless, and I've turned into a caregiver because of her. She was self-centered. I am not. (atleast I hope I'm not). She walked away from her children when they needed her. I would never do that. Just ask my kids. 
     She just did what she knew to do. She was young. She was dumb. She was probably lost. She was undoubtedly REALLY lost. Poor thing. 
     What would I tell her if I could have met her and talked to her? 
    

   Everything is going to be awesome. 

     Four gorgeous kids, an adorable little grandson who will crack you up all the time. Life will be incredible. You'll get to travel, and live in five different states, and spend time with family, and go to college for Heaven's sake! And paint, and teach, and meet lots of really wonderful people. And make lots of really great friends. And you'll love. Love A LOT. And you will eventually find forever love. I haven't yet, of course. Not forever love. But eventually you will. I will. Your heart will be broken many times. You will cry a lot. You'll be sad. There will be loss. But you will become a survivor. All of this crap you go through will make you stronger. Make you more loving. You will make a difference in someone's life. And your children will love you. 
     And I would hug her for a really long time and we would cry together because we understand eachother, and what we have gone through and what we will go through. Then we'd laugh because we'd be all embarrassed over the fact that we were crying. 
     And then we'd sit down, crack open a Diet Coke and some peanut M&Ms and I'd tell her about her children. And her grandson. It would be amazing. 
     SO, have I forgiven my twenty-something year old self? 

                                   Yes, I have. 

Epiphany

     I started "seeing" a life coach last week. It was just one of those random moments when you are talking to someone you've known for over a year, assuming you know them pretty well, and then discovering something about them you never even guessed. One of my (what I thought) dear friends and I were chatting online one day and he started to ask me how I was doing. It was one of those low days I've had lately and I couldn't hide my mood. That's when he told me he wanted to help me. Suddenly he's telling me that he's a life coach and he has been for almost ten years. I had no idea. This guy owns my favorite pizza place (authentic Italian, no less) and dabbles in several different businesses. I never thought this was one of them. Next thing I know, I have an appointment with him that afternoon. 

     It's awkward to sit down with a friend and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets and fears, especially in person. I know. If they are really your friend, it isn't awkward. So, I guess he wasn't my "friend." He was someone I admired, loved and liked to be around but I never showed him my "real self." I showed him my happy self, the one most people actually see. He never heard about my vulnerable side. I never let him see that. I let very few people see that. I don't like whining and I don't like talking about my problems (even though I really don't have any problems). You understand, right? This blog, right here, is where I put my thoughts, my hurts, my dreams. Everything. I share it with you, dear strangers because I do not fear your judgment, and you are not going to tell me to snap out of it, right? You just read and move on. 

     Not this guy. I thought he'd be more gentle in his approach to me exposing myself. Instead he has become one of those people that just doesn't put up with my crap. I love those people. They make me think.

     So, my first week in a five week plan is to write letters to those I feel have hurt me in some way. 

And apologize. 

Wait. 

You want me to what, exactly? 

      Apologize.  

     Apologize for expecting them to be more than they were. Expecting my dad to be the 60s/70s TV dad I always wanted. Expecting my ex-husband to be a great father, be honest, and want me more than he wanted pornography. Expecting my ex-boyfriend to control his temper. 

     I cannot expect people to be someone more than they actually are. Wow.

     Apologizing to them releases their bond over me and stops me from being the "victim." Playing the victim card.
Blaming them for who I am, or how I feel about myself today. 

Easier said than done.

Or is it?

     So, the other night when I couldn't sleep, I wrote a letter to my dad. Just on my phone. In the dark. While my mom slept in the other bed in our hotel room. I told him that I knew that he had always loved me, I knew that no matter what words he used to upset me, not matter how he treated me when I was growing up, I always knew that he loved me. And I knew that Heavenly Father loved me, so it shouldn't make any difference what words my father used, I should have always known otherwise. I should have always known. 

So, why didn't  I? 

     I chose to listen to what was being said to me. I interpreted what my dad was telling me as "I don't love you," or "You are unloveable." He never said those words. Not in my entire life. He never told me that I was stupid, or ugly, or fat, or unloved. He may have said things in anger, or even just without thinking, but he never said anything I should have interpreted as being unloved. 

    I keep a lot of motivational (feel good) thoughts that I find on the internet, or they just happen to wend their way through my Facebook page. I save them for later use, share them with my friends, or I think they might inspire me later. Yesterday, when I was struggling with "apologizing" to those who hurt me, I came across this:

Number 4 is the one that hit me. 

"4. Where did we get the idea that if we don't forgive people, they suffer?"

Exactly.

Where did we ever get that idea?
How does holding a grudge against someone hurt THEIR feelings? 
And then I felt peace. Seriously. 
A really calm feeling came over me. 
The calm feeling I get when Heavenly Father speaks to me and tells me that whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm thinking, is right.

    And I "got" it. 

     The rest of "Happiness in a Nutshell" is also great and something I want/need to remember. It's all true. 

     I think I passed the test for week number 1 of my 5 week lesson on loving/healing myself. I have a feeling it's only going to get harder as the weeks go on. It may take me 5 days every week to actually understand what my life coach is trying to teach me, but 5 days is better than continuing to beat myself up over something that never actually happened. 

     It's okay. I got this.







    

Attraversiamo

 


One of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. I've always felt a connection with her books. She sometimes writes as though she is in my head, and sometimes she says exactly what I need to hear. This was one of those days (I stole it off of Facebook).

Word of the day...

Oops, I mean: WORD OF THE LIFETIME.

Dear Ones,

A sweet reader named Jackie painted this for me, gave it to me the other night at my event in Cleveland. I love it and I will keep it always.

Readers of EAT PRAY LOVE will remember this as the last word in the book. Italian for "let's cross over" — the most elegant way I can imagine to remind myself to let it go, to put it all behind you, to face the future rather than dwelling in the past, to stand up and try again.

Another way to say it, I just realized, could be: ONWARD — my other favorite word.

Today, let's share some stories of crossing over.

I will start with one from me. Lately I've been really showing up for my work on processing forgiveness. Much of this is inspired by having met Iyanla Vanzant, whose e-course on forgiveness I've been taking all month. 

I had no idea how much work I had to do on this subject, y'all. I mean, I knew I had some garbage in my heart and mind, but I hadn't realized just how MUCH resentment I was carrying around still. As I've done my work on this, I've discovered that what lurks at the very deepest bottom of all my old resentments is usually nothing but a pile of my own shame. (Shame for my own failed relationships, shame for having been stupid or a sucker, shame for my own inadequacies and mediocrity, shame for not having handled things better, shame for still holding on to ancient anger, etc.) 

And instead of trying to force all of those negative feelings out of me (I've never had any luck forcing negative feelings out of me...How 'bout you?)I've been making all kinds of interior space to allow those feelings to be revealed, to give them space to breathe, to accept them as human, and to forgive myself for all my own perceived faults and shortcomings. 

In other words, all my work on forgiving others has unexpectedly turned into a giant exercise of self-empathy. 

Which has, by accidental extension, turned into an exercise in feeling greater empathy for everybody else, as well...stuck as we all are in these crazy-town human minds. 

Which has, ultimately, led to a great and sudden diminishing of old resentments.

Which does, in fact, feel like crossing over.

So that's been nice. (TO SAY THE LEAST.) And I'm grateful. Because, like you, all I ever want is to be more free.

So what about you?

How have you been crossing over lately? Let's share some stories of liberation and its rewards.

And, of course, ATTRAVERSIAMO!
LG

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