Shoe Shopping, or What it's like to find a date in the 21st Century

   
     I've been in this dating world for about a year, and not always...okay, I admit it, hardly ever successful. I wish I could say it was, even once, successful, but I cannot. I've tried practically every dating site imaginable: Zoosk, Plenty of Fish (POF), LDS Planet, EHarmony, Match, Mormon Match, LDS Singles...I'm sure I've forgotten at least two more. I tried three of them for about three months (the length of the pricing plan), gave up for six months and then tried three more for about three months, or thirty days, whichever came first. Because I had such bad luck at even getting one date with a decent guy, I kept giving up. I've even tried Facebook pages that give the appearance of a place you can find a date. Nope. No luck. BIG talkers, whine about being single, never ask anyone out, no action, nada. So, I have a tendency to just give up. It's easier. Kind of like Shoe Shopping.
     And, OH MY GOSH there are hundreds of dating sites out there (100 Best Dating Sites) and I shudder to think of the hundreds of false profiles trolling these sites. I met several in my brief dating site career. Let me start here: For instance, EHarmony has a general plan on how you meet someone. You answer some general questions that an interested party sends you to see if you are compatible. Of course, they first choose you because of the pictures you post on your profile. It's always the cover that is looked at first, kids. So, the questions come first. There are the first round of questions, the "How often do you get angry" or "How passionate are you" (which, oddly doesn't mean in a physical sense. It's whether you are passionate, aka angry, about certain subjects), or "If you could live anywhere in the world...". Anyway, so you answer the first round of questions, send out your set of questions, and hope (if you like him/her) these questions are answered and a new round is presented to you. Once you go through the three or four rounds of get-to-know-you banter, you can move on to secure emailing online through their website. If you decide you don't really want to continue chatting with the prospective party, you just stop replying or you block them and never worry about them again. Now, here is the first clue if the one you are talking to is a real human, or just some foreign person, because it can be a guy or a girl talking to someone with the same gender, pretending they are not the same gender...unless, of course, that is what you are looking for. If said interested party passes over the get-to-know-you banter and skips straight to email, chances are quite high that he's not a real person. His profile is fictitious. And his emails always sound the same as the last fictitious person: "I saw your beautiful smile," "I've been looking for someone like you," and most importantly, "My subscription expires tomorrow. Please contact me at this email address (which doesn't match the name of the person contacting you) and I will send you more pictures". Within a day or two, if you were smart enough to not reply to this guy, you would receive an email from EHarmony telling you that said guy was not a real profile, blah blah blah. As I said, I encountered more messages like this than I did real, honest-to-goodness, interested parties. 
      Some of these sites have phone apps which, in my opinion, is the best way to go. If you have a smart phone and you have a short amount of time on your hands, you can just peruse through the dating app and do what I like to call "Shoe Shopping." You ALWAYS have your phone with you-on the bus, train, plane, cab, etc. whereas you don't always have your computer with you. Bored? Let's go shoe shopping.  I coined this term because in two of the apps, Zoosk and POF, you literally FLIP through photos of prospective datees (and yes, I mean date-ees), as though you popped into DSW, Nordstroms, Famous Footwear, or Payless, and had a few minutes to kill so you thought you'd check out their shoes. As a woman, I've had plenty of experience "Power Shopping" and we are really talking about shoes right now (just thought I'd run in for a sec and end up spending $100 in under ten minutes because I found the perfect pair, or two, of shoes), and dating apps and sites feel to me like shoe shopping. Here's why:
     When you go shoe shopping, what are you looking for? A color to match an outfit you just bought? Seasonal shoes? Boots? Heels, flats, etc? You are looking for the perfect pair of shoes for whatever you need them for. So, when looking for said shoes, what is your criteria? Comfort, style, color, etc., correct? Same with dating, really. 
     Imagine you are flipping through a dating app. (If you are a visual person, this is for you.) Picture after picture of supposedly single applicants. In POF, if you like the person, you swipe the picture to the right. If you don't, you swipe it to the left (I think I have that correct-it's been awhile). Once swiped away, a new profile picture pops into view. You can literally swipe through these pictures a second a frame. It got to be so bad, and so fast,  that I started saying in my head "Too fat, too short, too scary, bad teeth, crossed-eyes, too TOO YOUNG, OH! WHAT IS HE WEARING?" and you can do that really quickly, without really thinking about it. Beware of swiping in the wrong direction, though. If the guy was your type of shoes, and you swiped him in the wrong direction, he's gone for good. You'll never see him again. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you swiped him in the wrong direction and you wanted him GONE, he now thinks you like him. Good luck with that. I had to explain that one once. ONCE. 
     Back to the shoe analogy. I love shoes. I really do. I have about thirty pairs (for some of you that is a lot, for some hardly any shoes at all) and I know what I like. Same with dating. I don't have thirty pairs of dates, sheez! But, I know what I like. You'd be surprised at the type of "shoes" I choose. Not flashy, sparkly, expensive, or popular shoes. Sometimes quirky, funny, funky, and unusual. The shoes have to speak to me. That initial click. That ohhhh-I-like-those click. At that point, it doesn't matter if the shoes are too short, too fat...okay, I put a giant kibosh at unhealthy fat. Then it's just shudder. I know which shoes will make me smile and which ones will make me shudder. I look for the "click" and then all I see are amazing, gorgeous, with a strong potential to be perfect, shoes. 
     So, we find a pair of shoes we like and we try them on. Sometimes just briefly enough to say either, "Yes, I like these. I'm going to keep them," or "Nope. Not my style. Too uncomfortable. I can't walk in these," and we either purchase them or move on. Sometimes we find a pair of shoes and they seem to fit perfectly at first. We wear them around for a few days or a few months, or even a few years, then decide they never really fit well in the first place (it was wishful thinking-they were sooooo cute) and we have to get rid of them. We ignored the fact that they give us blisters, or just hurt when we wore them too long. We are better off never wearing them again. Walk away from the bad shoes, kids. Just walk away.
     And do you have the old stand-by? The ones that are so comfortable that, even though they don't really fit into your wardrobe, you keep going back to them? You can always count on those shoes to always be there when you need them. They fit perfectly. It's comforting to even just see them once in awhile and put them back on again. They are safe. You forget that sometimes they give you blisters, and sometimes they hurt. So you go back to them because you need them, because for a short time, they feel good to be back on your feet. You know those shoes better than any other pair of shoes you try on. And they are always there. But, this doesn't mean that they are great shoes, and at some point those comfortable shoes might just hurt more than they were ever worth, and you'll need to get rid of them. It's hard to let them go, but sometimes it's just better if you do so they can't hurt you again. 
     If we are lucky enough, we find that perfect pair of shoes. They fit perfectly, go with everything, are so SO comfortable, and we want to wear them all of the time. They never give us blisters. They never hurt. We are at our best when we wear those shoes and can run faster, jump higher, be our nutty, goofy selves, and they never ever don't fit with what we are wearing, or being, or doing. And when we are not wearing them, we are wishing we were. It's so rare to find that perfect pair. Sometimes you have to try on a hundred pairs, or a thousand pairs (but, that's just icky if we aren't talking about actual shoes) to find the perfect pair. And we know the instant we put them on, they are perfect. And we are our happiest, most true self when we have those shoes in our life. 
     Most of all, when we are "shoe shopping," it's important to not rush. Walk around the store for awhile. Take your time. This is an important decision. Even if they are the most expensive shoes, or the least expensive, these shoes could possibly be the ones you wear for the rest of your life. No rush. Really look at the shoes. Really pay attention to how they make you feel when you wear them. Can you wear them for hours during the day, every day, and you don't get tired of wearing them? And, if the shoes don't quite fit right the first few times you wear them, don't give up. You have to take the time to break them in. Be patient. There may be a moment when it suddenly just clicks, and you have found the perfect pair of shoes.