I Hate Dating (or Another Peek Into My Brain) (or Sheri's Thought Barf) (or Shoe Shopping Continued)

     I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about how new I am at this dating thing, and how I really don't understand the rules. This conversation led me to trip back in time last night to my history in dating. Not a pretty one, to say the least:
     I "technically" didn't start dating until I was 16. This of course does not include the boyfriend at 14, or those non-date adventures when I was 15 (getting a ride home from a dance with a boy and stopping on the way for ice cream, or the time I went to homecoming with a boy after my sister dropped me off at the football game at one school and my mom picked me up from the dance at another school. You cannot work the system with my mom involved and not get caught). I was allowed to go on group dates (a seemingly innocent Mormon thing) when I was 15 though. But, my first official date as a budding 16 year old was with the high school jock. He was so handsome, but that boy was all over my face on the first date and asked me to go steady with him that same night (yes, we used the word "steady" even in the 70s). I said yes (because I didn't know what else to say) and never went out with him again. No skill involved there. Did I mention that I went home after the date and immediately washed my face because I was really grossed out by the face/tongue attack? Yep. That was my first official dating experience. 
     After that, the dating thing is kind of a blur until I was a junior. I went to a lot of church dances (yes, Mormons know how to dance and love doing it) which was a great way to meet prospective dates. I carried a torch for a guy for a couple of years (I was "group dating" him and then when he caught wind of jock guy asking me to go steady, he never wanted to go out with me again) but then I met serious boyfriend numero uno. He was a senior at another school, I was a junior. We met at a church dance. Now here is where my definition of "dating" becomes convoluted:
     I do not think that in my (ew!) almost 40 off and on years of dating experience I ever went on a date that did not lead to a relationship. Seriously. High school, college, between marriages, etc. every time I started "dating" someone, it led to a relationship. And that is why I think I am still confused over how this system works! I have not gone on a million dates, or a million dates with different guys. My dating experience is limited BECAUSE of the fact that one date led to two dates, led to a relationship. Yes, I dated more than one guy at the same time when I was a senior in high school (and I truly apologize to all of them for that fact) but they were ALL relationships in my head. Sadly, I juggled men well back then, but I do not have that mental relationship juggling skill now. 
     I recently had an experience where I tried to rekindle a relationship with someone I had juggled back in high school (again, I have already apologized profusely to him for my behavior back then). I thought we were both in a position in our lives now where we were on the same page. Silly me. Turns out, I was like a contestant on The Bachelor. He was trying to cultivate a relationship with someone he met on a dating (trolling) site yet leading me to believe I was the only one. When he finally told me he was seeing someone else also (he's the juggler now), his words were "I am trying to decide between the two of you. You're not my second choice, that's what makes it so hard." Say what? "Insert name here, will you accept my final rose?" If I'm not your second choice then really, is there a choice to make at all? Here's a little secret about me:
     I am not a competitor. Never have been, never will be. If you tell me that it's between me and another girl, I am going to give up practically right then and there. I spent 22 years fighting for the love of a man I thought was forever. When he tells you three times that he has promised his heart to someone else (at the 21 year mark), you can only take rejection so many times before you just quit trying. Do I really need to beg someone to love me? Aren't I just an obvious choice after 22 years of marriage? In the case of Mr. Bachelor in training, wasn't I the obvious choice because I was that comfortable shoe?! We'd known each other for over thirty years. She was a new shoe! (see previous blog post) In the last 4 years, I've had my heart stomped on exactly three times (ex-husband, abusive ex-boyfriend, the "bachelor"). Call it self-preservation. Call it whatever. I've got to protect my heart from further stomping so I'm not going to compete for love. Those women on the bachelor just look trashy and desperate. My motto is "I'm lonely, not desperate." 
    (I apologize for the brief vent right there). Anyway, back to dating. *shudder* I hate it. What is dating anyway? A chance to get to know someone. But, WHY? Because you are trying on those shoes to see if you want to keep wearing them exclusively, correct? But do I really want to try on two or three or more pairs of shoes all at the same time to see which one is the best? I only have two feet. Do I really want to wear two different pairs of shoes at the same time? Sounds icky. Most likely I'm going to try out that one pair of shoes exclusively so I can focus on what makes them work on my feet. I'm not a serial dater. Even with ADD, I can only focus on one pair of shoes at a time. 
     So who are these people who can date more than one person at a time? How do they do that? I had another conversation with a young single male co-worker recently. He had been seeing a girl he met on a dating site (ack) and he thought they had something going on. Then she told him that she was seeing someone else also and trying to decide between them. WHAT? AGAIN? Being like me, he was stepping aside and making her choice easier. 
    My feeling is, if you are still looking then I'm not enough of a lure to make you stop. Why keep trying on those shoes? I'm sure I'm all wrong about feeling that way. I remind you, I am new at this. My previous dating experience told me that when you go out with someone more than once, it's leading to a relationship (or just IS one) and the focus lies in that. I don't generally keep seeing someone after one or two dates if I know it's not going to be something rather lengthy. I'm not a serial dater. I'm not out to get a free meal or movie or whatever. I'm looking for that one person that sets my heart and soul on fire. If there's a spark on the first date, I'm going to keep adding fuel to the flame to see where it goes. 
     I think I mentioned in one of my other posts about the three date guy. He was someone I met on a dating site and he was "perfect." 6'5", funny, great job as a miner (yes, an actual miner), looked like a cross between John Wayne and Kyle Chandler (IMDB him, folks), solidly built. I thought this was someone I could get to know better. BUT, every date (there were only three) it was a struggle to think of things to say. I kept trying because I wanted it to work. He was perfect.  My type. But I was also alert enough to pay attention to the signals, like when he told me he bench-pressed his brother into the ceiling, or knocked his little girl down because she was being rude to him. ALARM BELLS!!!  Possibly an abuser. Been there, done that. On our third date we saw a movie, he kissed me goodbye for the first time....and then I never saw him again. Obviously he was watching those alerts also. Good for him! It would have been nice if he had said "Hey, I've had fun but..." but instead he just stopped texting me with no explanation. I really hate that. Guys, do not leave a girl hanging. Have the guts to explain WHY you don't want to go out with her anymore. Anyway, I'm thankful that three date guy stopped asking me out. Could have been bad. 
     And I admit I have a habit of labeling things in my life (and I've probably always done this): Good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, black or white, wrong or right, relationship or just friends. I'm always trying to figure out where I am going or what I am doing and whether I should take a different path or if the path I am on is the correct one. It leaves one feeling very lost and confused. Welcome to my brain. Come in, sit down, feel free to make yourselves comfortable. 
     So, here is the Readers Digest condensed version of my dating history: Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriends, boyfriend, single, boyfriend, marriage, single, boyfriend, marriage, boyfriend, single...you get my point. I have no idea what I am doing. Did the rules change somewhere between the ages of 16 and 52? Or between 1989 and 2014? Has the Bachelor or the Bachelorette television shows changed the face or rules of dating or has it always been this way and I've just never had to deal with it? 
     I know the dating pool is extremely shallow over the age of thirty. I get that. But, why do I need to try on more than one pair of shoes at once? Can't I just wear one pair at a time until they don't fit right anymore? Or do I risk finding out again that the shoes I really like are trying on someone else's shoes? My choices are limited: Open heart or defensive wall. Which is better? 
     I think I need to re-read my own blog post about shoe shopping so I can get my head back to the basics. I'd hate to think that right now I might be screwing up a perfectly good pair of new shoes that I really like just because I'm trying to put a label on one more thing.